Unwanted sadness

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I went through an episode this past year, in which I became extremely, extreeeeemly depressed and almost killed myself a number of times. I found out that it was related to my repression of myself, because I'm always trying to fit in and be like everyone else. Anyway, I've been better for some time now, but now I'm experiencing things I never have before.

I'm really sad, so sad I want to bawl my eyes out and sleep for days. See, I've been in 3 relationships. The first two, I started and ended. Both were with girls, and I knew it wouldn't work out, so I ended it sooner rather than later so it wouldn't hurt more. The third was with a boy, who I loved more than anyone else. It only lasted a week, but had all my firsts: kiss, cuddle, movie, etc. He ended it, saying he was just using me to feel better. I was fine with him using me! His last girlfriend had broken up with him and he was in bad shape. I helped him a lot, but now, even though it's been weeks since we ended, I can't stop thinking about him and I get really sad. It's not the depression, but it hurts and I don't know why it won't stop. I'm so close to being gay, it's hard to stand.

I can't cry though. That's something I've had trouble with since I broke down emotionally in 7th grade over my inability to turn in quality work, with my hormones changing with the onset of puberty. I just sit here hyperventilating silently, and I hate it. Why can't I just get over him?!

Tough times, and it sounds like you indeed might be gay or very bi.

I'll give you the same advice I give everyone else -- find a hobby. It really helps get your mind off of stuff like this.

And look on the bright side -- seems like you have a pretty good track record already with finding your way into a relationship, and in that respect, you are luckier than a lot of folks here, who have yet to start their first. Also, it seems to me that gay relationships are easier to get going than male-female ones -- not as much mixed signals and games.

Cheer up, there's something better around the corner.

Hey Daniel, *hugs*

You said it yourself - you loved him so much. That is why it is hard to get over him. Sometimes people just get in our heads and it takes time before they get out again. I'm in the same situation. And sometimes it feels as though you don't want to get over that person. You say it has been weeks, I am sorry to tell you that it could take longer.

Maybe the pain is emphasised due to other issues? Maybe these other issues are what is preventing you from being able to cry? And to go full circle, maybe you cant get over him because you haven't yet been able to grieve the relationship, release the pain and cry? It might take a lot of crying to let it all out. Is there anyway you can help bring it on?

And until that grieving time comes, as billsmithglendale said, find some way of keeping yourself busy. But make sure that at some point you do grieve. It has to be let out at some point. And when you do, make sure you have a friend or family member at hand who you can call on. Unless you prefer to do it alone, which some people do.

All the best!
*hugs again*
Rik

Yeah, but school's out, so I'm not exposed to a lot of people anymore. Thanks for the replies. I guess I am a bit luckier than most, especially since this was my first year of trying to date people. I just decide who I like, and then make it clear to them. A relationship happens just about instantly. My relationship with him was my favorite though. I didn't have to play a part (ie, didn't have to act really masculine for him), but I got to be myself, being really girly when I felt like it, and being masculine when he was getting too shy. Heh, I remember he was really surprised at how I took up that role so smoothly alongside being so feminine. It's helped him relax into his-self, seeing how in the past he's been contrast girl-boy, genderqueer. *sigh* At least I'm not hyperventilating anymore. That's a plus.

I do have to go through this alone, well, you all help a lot, but my family doesn't know I ever dated a boy, and I don't know how they'd react. I also have to consider my future. It'll be hard for me if it becomes public knowledge. And I'm so bad at calling up friends, I just can't talk to them at all. Maybe on Friday at the youth group I'll talk to someone, but that's a fun night. It'd make me feel worse to ruin someone's day.

What is the youth group for Daniel? Is it a place that is meant for helping people? Because if so then I could not think of a better time or place to talk about it. Life is not always about having fun, sometimes feelings need to be dealt with. And your feelings are important, you must do what is right for you.

And maybe writing would help? A diary perhaps? Or just a letter that you not actually gonna send to anyone, or just write how you feel? Getting it out in one way may help to release it another way perhaps?

And of course you can always use this forum.

The youth group is just a church-funded event every Friday where a bunch of kids, a large portion of which are my friends, go to hang out and spar. It's really enjoyable. I can never seem to keep diaries either. When I was happy with him I did, strangely enough. I wanted to remember it. I don't really want to remember sad times.

What do you mean by spar?

Ok maybe forget the diary idea, I understand about wanting to forget sad times. So maybe write down how you feel and then get rid of it when you are ready.

We practice fighting, like martial arts. It's a lot of fun, because you can do all sorts of silly things and it's just sparring. Very rarely does anyone ever get hurt.

Yeah break-ups are tough. It hurts to feel rejected, it hurts for quite a while. But it does apply... time heals all wounds. At least for cases like this. I've been through soooo many break-ups, sworn off relationships for years at a time, but always come back.

Now that you know how rewarding a gay relationship can be, it's time to educate yourself about the gay community in your area... you don't say where on the planet you are, so I can't give you any ideas.

As for your church group... how does your church feel about homosexuality? I'd be awfully careful about coming out in most church groups. Even if there's some level of acceptance, there may be some that vehemently disagree within the congregation... how does the priest/pastor stand on the issue? He/she may be a very good confidant, if they're supportive... they can be the devil's own if they are not.

Anyway, from a lesbian big sister.... welcome! Glad to have you part of the family!

Yeah, I guess I'm still just a little iffy about coming out as gay if I come out at all. I plan on joining the Army, and I don't know how they look at that kind of thing.

I'm in Anderson, IN, USA. Tiny town, less accepting, but not as crazy as some. My friend's been out as gender-queer and bisexual for some time, though his dad denies it. The church has had no problem with it, and I've never seen the priest or pastor. They're accepting, they just say you're going to hell. They're one of the peaceful towards gays churches.

I don't know if I'll go back to relationships with girls, even though (for me) they're a lot easier to start and make last. I just don't like to fake it just to have that empty space filled in my heart. It's harder with guys to start a relationship, but it's just a far more comforting one. I'm apprehensive about touching girls, and I couldn't imagine kissing one just because it feels wrong. Yet with a guy, I feel like I could do anything and it's only natural... eherm, so yeah. Thanks for the welcome.

Uh-unh, that's not acceptance. Just 'cause they don't tie you to a fence rail and beat you death is not acceptance. Don't come out there.

Here are some accepting churches...
Metropolitan Community Church
http://www.mccchurch.org/AM/Template.cfm?Section=Home

Many Quaker meetings...
http://www.religioustolerance.org/hom_quak.htm

Unitarian Universalist Churches...
http://www.uua.org/socialjustice/social ... 4482.shtml

These religious organizations have a strong record of support for gay and lesbian issues, recognize them as full members, confer the same blessings and responsibilities... in essence, treat us as no different from straight folks. THAT is support... not telling us we're going to hell.

And don't breathe a word to the military recruiter... it's still don't ask, don't tell. Do tell, get your butt thrown out without benefits. If you do a little web research, you might find a support group online for gay and lesbian members of the armed forces. Talk to the folks with real experience.

Now, to get all mothery on you.... you do know about safe sex, don't you? I mean, for when you meet your next fella sometime down the road. Sheesh, I can't believe I said that, but I have great confidence in your ability to recover from this break-up, and I want you to live a long, healthy and joyful life...

Thanks, and yes, I do know about safe sex. Anyone can have AIDS or some other STD nowadays. My uncle's dying of AIDS (ironically, he happens to be gay, and has had just one partner his whole life), so I know to take precautions.

By accepting, of course I mean they let us do what we want and such, so long as we don't openly go against their religion just to be blasphemous. I don't personally see it as a problem, since I don't follow the religion, and they're just being faithful to theirs. Unless they outright go against their own rules and treat me as they would a piece of wood for burning (aka a fa***t), I hold nothing against them.

Oh, I'm sorry. Are you two close?

Is your family cool with his orientation? If they are, then I think you're good to come out there. Which would be nice... my family was not and I felt sad about that a long time.

Ultimately, you know your church and will have to trust your own instincts. You're there, I'm not. But in general, telling someone they're going to hell for who they love is not a supportive statement.

I imagine this new view of yourself as a gay man will take a little getting used to... although for me, I just looked in the mirror the next morning and said to myself, "Well, this certainly explains a lot!"

Unfortunately, we're not. I hear he's really great. I really have only seen him once, and I was too young to remember much. My family is fine with it, especially my mom since she grew up with him. She told me a teacher had always used his sexual orientation as an example of something, I can't remember, but it wasn't nice for him to be singled out like that all the time.

I still don't want to say I'm gay. Bi is more comfortable, but I am willing to accept it, considering I really don't want and never wanted to have sex with a woman. The drive is low for men too, but the drive is there. I lean more towards the secondary sexual than primary to be honest. Primary attraction is nearly zero, hence my thinking I might be asexual. I'm borderline demisexual in all actuality, since with nearly everyone, no attraction will exist unless I get to know them and find compatibility. That's purely psychological in my mind.

Last edited by Daniel09 on 09 Jun 2009, 11:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Oh, I doubt you're asexual, just low sexual. I didn't have my first kiss til I was 19; before that I considered myself asexual, but after that--just like you--when I got to know a person well enough(in my case women) I might be very physically attracted to her. But there had to be an intellectual connection first.

Really, it's psychological in most folks minds, AS and NT alike. Don't let them fool you; what each person finds sexually attractive is very personal.

I personally don't think this is a bad way to find your mates... the best relationships begin as friendships. I'm in a 9 year relationship and we haven't been physically intimate for a couple of years... we snuggle, we kiss, we go to sleep. And we're both really happy with that. We're each other's best friend, make each other laugh a lot, love to share ideas and good food.

I think you're just a normal bi or gay Aspie male. Not some brain-dead testosterone factory. Eew, why would you want to be that?

Heheh, yeah. You sound about dead-on right there. Thanks for the info, it's helped a lot.