Married Life

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I've been married to my husband for five years now but we've been together for seven. I'm just curious about what parts of marriage everyone else has difficulty with.

I think for us one of the problems is my need for isolation and privacy. My husband is more of an open book and therefore talks about things with people. This usually results in me squirming because I'd rather people didn't know about our silly arguments as I feel it's none of their business. I don't mean he shares stories about major arguments but he'll tell stories about our little tiffs in an affectionate jokey way. It makes me really uncomfortable yet I know he's not doing it maliciously and he's only joining in with the current topic of conversation with his other attached friends and their partners.

Probably should also mention that my husband has ADHD. We do seem to balance each other out quite well but sometimes I find his incessant talking annoying when I'm enjoying staring intently at the fabric folds in the curtains. He finds my unresponsiveness frustrating at times.

We are very happy together but just thought this would be a good place to vent all the little niggles we come across and see how you guys deal with things like this. What annoys you most?

Trystania, I definitely understand you there. My boyfriend jokes about our problems too and I've told him several times before that I just prefer those things to remain private. Most of the time it is truly trivial things, like in your case. I still get that feeling in my gut that I don't like that it's being joked about. I think it's just my sensitivity to privacy getting the better of me, so I have to remind myself I'm just overreacting even though my emotions about the situation feel legitimate. We've been together for 3 years, which somehow people think is decades for a gay relationship (random sidenote that kind of irks me at times, anywho), but I still get those moments like you where I feel like my privacy has been invaded and I feel embarrassed about it. I've just decided for now that I can only become so embarrassed over myself until it becomes destructive, so instead, I try to see the situation for what it is: a joke for the most part. Not to say that your situation is destructive at all, but that's just something that helps me get over my anxiety. I just try to laugh it off too.

Marriage isn't what most of us have a problem with... think back more to square one: finding a partner...

I can see how that would be irritating. I guess one of the positives of having AS is that I'm not prejudiced and wouldn't make silly assumptions like that. It really puzzles me that people still do. The mind boggles.

That's only the first hurdle. For people like myself who are married or in long term, commited relationships there are a brand new set of challenges. I see posts about initiating relationships but not that many on sustaining them. I thought it would be good to share our experiences.

I have been married for over 14 years now. I found out late in life, am 34; about 2 months now. I don't think we talked the first couple years, then I joined the army. 7 years of her dealing with a paratrooper. I got out when my body gave up on me. My wife stood by my side, I never give her enough credit!! ! After finding out about aspergers... She finds ways to help me (train) for social enteractions. Am alot happier and open now, still a work in progress. Just wanted to share my good luck.

Good points, both of you. There is a lot of room on WP for all of us here.

When my husband goes on about his special interests that I do not share (and on and on and on and on) I just turn off, read a book, go online, or whatever, and let him talk. He gets to talk; I don't have to really listen. This has worked for us for years. If he gets around to something I am interested in or have some minimal knowledge about, I ask him to repeat the last part, and rejoin the "conversation."

My wife and I sometimes have arguments over that because I don't have any concept of what private business is. I don't get privacy, I don't need it and I feel that everything is up for discussion. Over the years I've learned to hold some things back (and she's learned to let things go) but the gap is still fairly wide.

We have arguments about conversation at times because my wife can't remember things terribly well and I remember conversations verbatim. This means that I often don't mention things again because I've already passed on the information. Alternatively, sometimes if I think it's important that she doesn't forget, I'll go over the same thing several times. Naturally, she gets quite irritated with this.

Then there's the matter of my memory - it's good, very good, so much so that I remember when she's reusing words/phrases from one story to the next. Sometimes I'll impatiently try to get her to fast-forward to her point. I know it's rude but sometimes I can't help myself. Also, she can tell when I'm really not interested in a conversation (and will stop but get irritated with me). I, on the other hand, will often not know that she's not listening and keep droning on... then I'll get irritated if she can't remember something important from my monologue.

Well I'm the ADHD one dating and Aspie. He wants everything private. His circle of friends doesn't even know we are dating. Of course I wanted to shout it from the roof tops. I'm so proud to be his "girl" that I wanted everyone to know.

I feel like the little chihuahua dog jumping around the bull dog in the cartoons.

I definetly don't want to annoy him. Or say to much. It's hard to find balance no matter who two people are.

True and wise words!

I am an Aspie and my wife is bipolar. We have been married now for 37 years.

My wife's shrink recently said "You cling together like a pair of old barnacles".

I don't know about that but we decided at the beginning that we meant what we said when we said "For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health".

I need my privacy too. My wife understands that and I make allowances for her needs and problems.

At some point you have to draw a line in the sand and say "This is where I make my stand and come hell or high water I will not move"

This my third marraige I am in now and I find it further easy than my first. We both are Aspies however and sometimes there are communicational problems arising from this.