self-sabotage due to horrible neurosis....

Post Reply New Topic

Firstly: This has to do with the fact that I am poly..I have a partner who I live with..and then a secondary partner who is basically a very good friend with benefits who I really care about a lot...
Technically neither of my relationships are exclusive...but I have a fear of losing my good friend once he gets a real girlfriend....because he is like a ray of sunshine in my tedious little life.

Today I got drunk because I had to be in public and perform at an art exhibit....and also today I heard the news that a mutual friend of ours who he has had a crush on for a very long time just broke up with her boyfriend...She lives at the place where this art function was happening. My friend said that he was planning on hanging out at the art thingy all night because there would be lots of girls there...he was partially joking I guess, but I took it literally.

In my mind, I enacted an imaginary scenario that he would inevitably start dating our friend because she has broken up with her boyfriend..and not want to have anything more to do with me...and in my drunkeness and stupidity, I might have called him one too many times and said some pretty stupid stuff to him..and made a pretty big fool of myself....and I don't really know how to atone for it.

I have been in a state of emotional unease for most of the day...crying and stuff...and I am really mad at myself for the way I have been acting and feeling and for the fact that I have called him and acted a bit of a fool on the phone..

I have been frustrated because we used to be able to see each other regularly, but our schedule has been interrupted because we have had shows every night at our venue for an entire month...

My main partner has no intention of cutting me a break any time soon...he is currently not really seeing either of his other female friends...and will always come up with excuses as to why I can't go see my friend.

I have been hating myself for my feelings..I am stupid and selfish and bad....I miss spending time with my friend and I am wrecking our friendship with my neurosis...and i don't know what to do...

I am well aware that the scenario that I enacted in my mind has not happened yet..there is a likelihood that it will not happen...and if it DID happen, I should feel happy for them both because he is a wonderful person and well deserving of a "real" full-time girlfriend...instead of lousy me..who can only get to see him once in a while and now hardly ever because I am so stinking busy....

I just hope he is able to forgive me for acting so stupidly...and I hope he remains my friend even though I am so stupid and annoying and neurotic.

So far, the advice I have been given has been to not call him for a while...

Is that advise given by him? or someone who has talked to him? or has it been given by someone who doesn't know him?
Please say who has given this advise.

Personally, I'd get in contact to say sorry or that I messed up if I were you. I'm a one person woman so I don't know if this is the best advise but I would say that I think contacting him would be a good idea, so you can find out what he thinks.

About your main bf, is there a possibility that he wants to be monogamous with you and is making excuses for you not to see your friend because of this?

Also examining how you feel may be a good idea. I hope I've been of some help somehow.

That was advice given by main BF..The idea being that calling him lots would annoy him further, and not calling would agitate him into wondering why I haven't called.
I don't like to play those games.

My main boyfriend does not necc. want to be monogamous...the whole poly thing was his idea to begin with....but he is more comfortable when I am around. He just needs to understand that just because he is not getting along with either of the other females he has been seeing, it doesn't take away my right to spend time with my other partner.

Seems like, sad to say, the poly thing doesn't work out so well... Someone always develops feelings. I've tried balancing the two girls at once thing a couple of times, but it just bites me in the ass in the end and everyone is upset...

I don't like head games either and, from my point of view, I don't play them much but being aware of others head games reduces their effectivness on you (my opinion). Perhaps you need to talk directly to your main bf then? explain that just because he's on the outs with his others you're not on the outs with yours and all the rest that you have already said. But again I say, do talk to your other partner. Explain what has happened and whatever else that you need to say to him.

No communication could make things bad, that assumptions could be made and more importantly you'll keep being stressed about things.

Though just because it's a persons idea doesn't mean that their idea can't change, your main bf may have decided that he wants you all to himself (maybe not, could be that he's just on the outs with his others as you've said). The only way to know is to talk to him. Be subtle but if you don't talk you don't know for sure.

To my knowledge, good communication is the basis for all good relationships, friendships or otherwise.

All is well...and I got to see him today.

I caused myself a bunch of emotional stress over nothing....again.....
(except now he has something to tease me about)

Over the almost year that we have been more than friends, we have taken turns drunkenly calling each-other while in irrational moods...I have seen him through several meltdowns...I have only maybe had one bad one while he was around...but quite a few more when he wasn't around...

He is ASish, blunt, and subtle in his affections...and I have seriously rotten "theory of mind"....and don't automatically know...as I should...that he isn't going to simply discard and replace me at the drop of a hat. We are better friends than that.

The poly thing can be difficult, but it does work, at least for some people...and of course there are emotions...the whole idea is having emotions for more than one person...and feelings of attachment are inevitable.
I beat myself up for feeling possessive sometimes....and that is what causes me a lot of bad feelings.

I need to quote "Dear Prudence" and from "Across the Universe" It is said best when said as:
"Nothings gonna change my world". I might seem decistating now, but all is trivial When it comes to relationships. Trust me. I know where you are coming from. Remember I have the same thing as you. Both DX's. (Have you figured out who I am now?) "Dear Poopie, won't you come out to play?" The sky is sunny and beautiful and so are you. You are a charming young lady and deserve better than the way you are being treated.

nah really I am treated just fine...i can be my own worst chum...

It seems like some of your feelings have changed and that you are feeling guilt for it. Based on the information I'm getting, your friend was more adventurous because of the pretext that you were not to get attached. When you work under that pretext, it is easier to express some of your deeper emotions and may feel a deeper connection. In short, you may have tricked yourself into feeling more strongly for him than you intended to. It isn't your fault because nobody could have known where this would lead and I wouldn't have any advice for you if I hadn't have made the same mistake myself. The fact is, that you decided on your lover for a reason, maybe he chose you. I don't know how that relationship works, but it seems like he finds you very comforting while the other one found you interesting. It is hard to lose anything without feeling a sense of loss and this was inevitable given the terms of your relationship with the second man. It won't be easy to get over it, but I think having some time away from your main relationship would help you find a way to appreciate it. I personally don't drink, I used to but I always found myself feeling worse than I did before. I smoke pot and find it much more sustainable and theraputic, I won't reccomend it because you have to decide for yourself what will help you get through and a chemical dependancy might not help at all in your situation. I've felt suicidal in situations like these and have been close to acting on them, I got caught one time and was sent to a psychiatric unit for a few days. This was very helpful for me, it got me out of my situation and removed me from every source of complication I had. Such an extreme measure isn't necessary, a vacation might help you more. Just remember that you don't need a self indulging one, just one that will help you relax, you should consider your hobbies when making vacation choices to get the most out of them. I remember helping my mom with her garden, I felt like I was a better person and came back to work with a smile on my face. I hope this helps.