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Broke up with girlfriend, I feel terrible

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thedrizzle
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08 Jul 2009, 10:02 pm

Hi,

First I guess I should introduce myself to the forum. I am a 25 year old male diagnosed with ADHD when I was younger. However, I suspect that I may have Asperger's. Now to my story:

I just broke up with my girlfriend of 6 months. There were several reasons and issues but I believe the root cause was that I did not find her physically attractive enough. She may have sensed this too, but tried to convince herself otherwise. I believe this had an effect on our sex life. While we did have sex several times a week, and on almost every day that we saw each other, it was not enough for her. This led to arguments and to me viewing sex as a chore. I believe this created a cycle that made me even less attracted to her, which made sex more of a chore, and so on.

Besides this part our relationship was very good. We communicated very well (unless it came to me talking about my emotions) and she seemed to deal with my eccentricities very well. I feel terrible about breaking up with her and I worry that no woman will ever good enough for me. I should add that my last relationship (2 years ago) ended in a somewhat similiar way. That girlfriend said many of the same things during the breakup (couldn't connect with me even though communication was good, didn't see the relationship going anywhere) I should add that I became less attracted to that girlfriend over time as well, but not to the extent that I became unattracted to my recent ex. I know this is a bit of a disorganized mess, but I'm looking for some insight. Thanks.



Mutanatia
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08 Jul 2009, 10:09 pm

thedrizzle wrote:
Hi,

First I guess I should introduce myself to the forum. I am a 25 year old male diagnosed with ADHD when I was younger. However, I suspect that I may have Asperger's. Now to my story:

I just broke up with my girlfriend of 6 months. There were several reasons and issues but I believe the root cause was that I did not find her physically attractive enough. She may have sensed this too, but tried to convince herself otherwise. I believe this had an effect on our sex life. While we did have sex several times a week, and on almost every day that we saw each other, it was not enough for her. This led to arguments and to me viewing sex as a chore. I believe this created a cycle that made me even less attracted to her, which made sex more of a chore, and so on.

Besides this part our relationship was very good. We communicated very well (unless it came to me talking about my emotions) and she seemed to deal with my eccentricities very well. I feel terrible about breaking up with her and I worry that no woman will ever good enough for me. I should add that my last relationship (2 years ago) ended in a somewhat similiar way. That girlfriend said many of the same things during the breakup (couldn't connect with me even though communication was good, didn't see the relationship going anywhere) I should add that I became less attracted to that girlfriend over time as well, but not to the extent that I became unattracted to my recent ex. I know this is a bit of a disorganized mess, but I'm looking for some insight. Thanks.


Wow. You know somethng? This sounda a LOT like me. Did I find my girlfriend attractive at first, yes, in an aesthetic way (I identify, for the time being as asexual since it explains so much about me!). We had sex just about as often as you did. I somehow didn't like sex, but that's another story for another day. But when "All parts were working," it felt really, really good!

And then it happened :O

Every. Single. Thing. I did turned into a nag. She was OCD, I, well, I wasn't :-p. THe issues varied from "You hang your coat up wrong," to "You spend too much time in your room," to "stop playing video games and hang out with people," to (and this was, as far as I can remember, the reason for her breaking up with me) "My friends find you weird." And then it happened again. Every single time I saw her was like a heartbreak because I didn't want to break up with her, yet at the same time, my heart told me that I needed to.

So, I decided to stop dating. Dating is not worth the effort imho. :-p



jfberge
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08 Jul 2009, 10:56 pm

thedrizzle wrote:
There were several reasons and issues but I believe the root cause was that I did not find her physically attractive enough. She may have sensed this too, but tried to convince herself otherwise. I believe this had an effect on our sex life. While we did have sex several times a week, and on almost every day that we saw each other, it was not enough for her. This led to arguments and to me viewing sex as a chore. I believe this created a cycle that made me even less attracted to her, which made sex more of a chore, and so on.


I can relate to this. For me, sex requires both an attraction and intimacy. Attraction is the more malleable of the two, but it still has to be there. I can't look at my partner and grimace. More tricky is intimacy. A pretty girl can turn you off with negative comments and blame. When you don't feel like equals in the relationship, it's hard to get excited about sharing yourself. Sex should be a free and easy play session where both people desire to (and try to) please the other. It requires an openess and acceptance that only the proper relationship can provide. It should be fun.

If you go into it with divisions, they have to be addressed. They'll torpedo any arousal. Now, if the issues can't be productivly addressed, it's worry time.



thedrizzle
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09 Jul 2009, 2:26 am

jfberge wrote:
thedrizzle wrote:
There were several reasons and issues but I believe the root cause was that I did not find her physically attractive enough. She may have sensed this too, but tried to convince herself otherwise. I believe this had an effect on our sex life. While we did have sex several times a week, and on almost every day that we saw each other, it was not enough for her. This led to arguments and to me viewing sex as a chore. I believe this created a cycle that made me even less attracted to her, which made sex more of a chore, and so on.


I can relate to this. For me, sex requires both an attraction and intimacy. Attraction is the more malleable of the two, but it still has to be there. I can't look at my partner and grimace. More tricky is intimacy. A pretty girl can turn you off with negative comments and blame. When you don't feel like equals in the relationship, it's hard to get excited about sharing yourself. Sex should be a free and easy play session where both people desire to (and try to) please the other. It requires an openess and acceptance that only the proper relationship can provide. It should be fun.

If you go into it with divisions, they have to be addressed. They'll torpedo any arousal. Now, if the issues can't be productivly addressed, it's worry time.


jfberge, I did try to talk her about it but it didn't seem to help much. Her issue seemed to be the duration and frequency not the quality. I told her that she needed to have a more positive attitude about our sex life. She agreed but I could always tell she was disapointed even when she didn't say anything, and the negative comments soon returned. It sucks because she is rational and willing to compromise in every other area. Sex is such an emotional issue to her, that she just cannot act reasonably about it. I do have to say that objectively I don't think she is the most attractive woman on the planet, so the issue may not be entirely a behavural one.

Heres another important piece of backround on me. My first girlfriend was probably a borderline. The relationship was a constant roller coaster and I think it has made it even harder for to trust anyone 100% in a relationship. Maybe something related to that is at play here too.



jfberge
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09 Jul 2009, 9:35 am

thedrizzle wrote:
My first girlfriend was probably a borderline. The relationship was a constant roller coaster and I think it has made it even harder for to trust anyone 100% in a relationship. Maybe something related to that is at play here too.


As unfair as it is, we all tend to view our current partner in terms of our past partners. It takes a while to shift viewpoints.

Who initiated this relationship? You or her?



thedrizzle
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09 Jul 2009, 3:46 pm

jfberge wrote:
thedrizzle wrote:
My first girlfriend was probably a borderline. The relationship was a constant roller coaster and I think it has made it even harder for to trust anyone 100% in a relationship. Maybe something related to that is at play here too.


As unfair as it is, we all tend to view our current partner in terms of our past partners. It takes a while to shift viewpoints.

Who initiated this relationship? You or her?


I guess you could say it was mutual. We met on an online dating site.



visnofskygirl
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11 Jul 2009, 4:36 am

SEX-main reason of broke ups