Top advice for someone in a relationship with an aspie?

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Hey everyone!

My bf is very likely to be aspie. Honestly, after looking further into it I might be too (took the AQ test).

We're both good, honest, non manipulative, real what you see is what you get people. I am totally ga ga over him hehe

We have had some troubles... big troubles until I caught on to the fact that he might be aspie..
It can be really easy to misinterpret behaviours until you realize the behaviours don't mean the same thing as they would for an NT
After all, we've been used to relating to non NTs all our lives, learning what their behaviour means, and what certain actions mean in a relationship....

We have a lot of asperger's traits in common, but we each have some that the other doesn't.

Now... whether one, or both of us has asperger's... one thing is clear:

There is going to have to be a lot of compromising, accepting and coping on both of our parts.


I have been researching like crazy... but it can be difficult to find what I need.

I was hoping that you guys could give me some wisdom.


In your experience, what tools and advice would you give to a person who is in a serious relationship with an aspie? Specifically, what kinds of things should they expect, what kinds of things should they just accept right away, what are some coping strategies, how can they make their aspie partner most comfortable, how can they better communicate?

For example, they say to be very direct. This simple rule has helped us a lot. Sometimes we dont'realize we're not being direct enough for the other person.

I know that a relationship between an NT and an aspie can be difficult, but I think that even an aspie/aspie relationship can have its issues. We both have needs that can go unmet even if we have the same needs! He might have a need for example, but wouldn't think to fulfill that need for me. If neither of us is good at expressing emotions, and each of us needs to know we're loved, secure and know where we stand, it can create issues.



Anyway, message to all aspies: You know.... those of you who worry about meeting someone... just wait!! ! There's someone out there who is going to be so totally attracted to the way you are! I am really attracted to my bfs aspie characteristics.. I think he's attracted to mine

You might find these books helpful...

"Getting to Grips With Asperger Syndrome" (Understanding adults on the Autism Spectrum) by Carol Hagland. It is a practical,
problem solving guide for those caring for or supporting an adult with AS. It is written to help people to understand the conditions and difficulties AS may cause and in the most beneficial way.

Another excellent book..."22 Things A Woman Must Know" (If she loves a man with Asperger's Syndrome) by Rudy Simone. This
is a brand new book on the market and costs about $15.95, if you are interested.

If you are thinking about marriage, then this new book will be helpful. "Alone Together"...Making an Asperger Marriage Work"
by author Katrin Bentley and forward by Dr. Tony Attwood.

The BEST thing you can do is to educate yourself...and enjoy reading!

Thanks for your speedy response ZsaZsa..

Great suggestions! I was thinking about the 22 things book, but was not sure if it was a good one.

"Alone Together" LOL! Great title. Sounds like just what we may need.
We do want to marry although we need to organize things in our lives before we can live together.

Being able to be "alone together" and not neglect each other's needs would be ideal.

I'll look into those books - thanks again.



Anyone else reading this:

I'm still interested in your personal advice and resource suggestions. I like to research things to death and to get perspectives from as many sources as possible.



Thanks!


Duckie

Hiya I'm a 38 year old gay aspie female. I've had a few relationships, some good, some less so. My GF and i get on really well - she shares a lot of traits....
Here are a few pointers that work for me:
Suspend all your ideas of what is normal, accept your partner, be affectionate cos we DO like it, have lots of chats, but don't expect your partner to always be able to articulate. If you act in good faith, and with honesty, you can't go far wrong. same stuff for everyone I suppose!

I will be watching this for responces too. This will be very helpful to me as well.

Also...how do you know, if what they say doesn't seem to match what they do, do you believe what they tell you or go by what their actions show you? It's confusing! I've never known my bf to lie, and he says he loves me, wants me, and doesn't want to break up, but he is under alot of stress right now and burried with work. You asked a great question. I need to get those books!

I'm keeping an eye out on this as well!

Well, just to add on - What kind of traits/qualities would you need to show to make them feel loved?

Give them (us) attention in little bits. A little space sometimes is needed, but reassure them that despite their inherent pitfalls, that you still love them. Also, although this might be taboo, do remind them (him/her) as needed about the positives that brought both of you together.