Desire and the Destruction of Friendships

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I have a problem.

To give a bit of background, I am a young, supposedly attractive totally geeky woman. Being the person that I am, I find it very difficult to make female friends. I really just don't *get* most women. Because of this, I relate more to men.

I've always been one of the guys.

However, once I hit the mid-teens something started to change. All of my friends were still guys, but one by one I lost them all. Why? Because they decide friendship with me just isn't enough for them. I don't flirt, I don't try to lead them on in any way. It's like they wake up one morning and say, "I feel like professing my undying love to a particular female friend today."

I know, it's one of those things that sometimes happens, right? Wrong. I have lost nearly every male friend I've had in the last 10 years to this situation.

It's bothering me because I feel as though I'm on the verge of losing another one, and I really don't have much in the way of friends right now so losing him would be terrible. A couple people have brought up the question of whether or not I'm interested in him as more than a friend because apparently he has expressed interest in me. I am not interested in him as more than a friend. I'm not interested in much of anyone. I have no desire to be in a relationship.

I don't understand why this keeps happening. It hurts so much to lose friends this way. I don't know how to make it stop.

Is there anything I can do?

Oh, I wish I had the answer for you! You describe something I have experienced over and over.

I feel slightly less terrible knowing it isn't only me, but at the same time I'm sorry that it happens to you too.

Hi Andrea. I'm older but I'm local and I like "geeky"

maybe you're unknowingly doing something to give them false impression that you're interested in them romantically? it might be impossible for you to work out on your own, but it might be the case. I have the opposite problem, I never notice that someone was interested in me until I'm told this 5 years later on their wedding day after one too many drinks :p

According to this, she needs to consider and reconsider everything she does and says to keep the bafoons from getting romantically interested. That sounds terribly straining.

andriarose: I am the same way, except I'm a guy. I don't want to be in any relationship. Yet I'm periodically plagued by girls through various means of communication. They call me or send me messages through msn, skype or per sms. Maybe this is a bit different for a guy, because I can't seem to get them to realize I'm not interested at all. I don't have any male friends to speak of.

A similiar problem is that I can't seem to get just female friends, because they all assume I'm out to get in their pants. It's extremely frustrating.

LOL that reminds me of when this boy allegedly had been flirting with me, but I don't find this out until the day I moved schools! That's just annoying, I would have said yes if he'd just asked!

yeah, get used to it, it's not likely to change

I can't even tell if someone is flirting with me or interested in me. I had a friend and my parents point it out the last two times. The second time was an aspie guy at an autism conference who kept looking at me (I just thought he was doing an aspie/autie head count). My parents told me at dinner I should have talked to him (nearly did b/c I saw him looking at me but people were filming in the room & when that happens I play "Hide from the cameras" & avoid all humans in close vicinity to them). I could not understand why my parents thought he was "checking me out" I don't get NT logic & think I am ugly. I've had a few other instances of guys talking to me in HS, but I got rid of them (thought they were just being annoying/no idea if they were flirting ) by saying I'm asexual (don't know for sure either asexual or low/nonexistent drive for a physical relationship). 1st time I recognized it was really bad. My friend at the time (a bipolar girl) told me she saw this guy looking at me at lunch (I had been noticing him staring at me constantly since... what will follow). Basically this NT, overly silly guy who everyone I met thinks is beyond hot (I will give him he's good looking but he was so obnoxious at the time (would say stuff like "would you rub oil all over me" ) & smelled bad (think it was that ax stuff) I could only stand to be near him in class). He did not know that I have a problem & ended up touching my right shoulder blade. I have extreme sensitivity to touch & had a panic attack (crying whole... you get it) b/c my whole arm went numb (should blade to finger tips) & I couldn't risk leaving b/c I did not know if my legs were affected. He got really upset to the point that he avoided me, totally freaked when our teacher tried to put us together for a project, nearly threw a fit (started "begging"/I still don't get what he was doing, the other guy not to touch me) when another guy in class tried tot touch my sweater I was wearing etc. It was bad! He even avoided being near me, hid in the corner of my english class a year later (I was a senior, this incident happened while I was a junior & he was a senior) as soon as he saw me . I couldn't believe it bothered him that much & I hope not to run into him again b/c every time he acts really upset if he does see me . I need NT-dar badly b/c I;m sick of having to have other people translate NT for me!
Sorry if I scared anyone...

No fear here.

I understand that problem too. I'd like to have friends but I don't do well with making or keeping friendships with women usually or men either, for different reasons.

NT men (and some AS men) seem to be blind to the 'not interested' vibe (AS men have a reason to be blind to the vibe), but some men really don't understand the no means no thing. This is a problem too.

I do understand the problem though, it has happened to me too. I don't know anything to help the situation though.

Though, I have one idea, studying defensive/closed off body language may help, it may make you seem more difficult to approch on that level and thus tell the guys non-verbally that you don't have interest in a bf/gf relationship? Though this may not work at all. This idea is untested.

The answer is simple: things change.

It doesn't matter what signals you're sending, if someone develops a crush, they develop a crush, it's not really a choice. It's not like they're "not getting the hint" or trying to annoy you with their feelings. They were comfortable with you, and there was something about you that sparked an attraction. The only choice they made was to be honest with you about their feelings. I don't see honesty as being a bad thing here.

But, since you weren't interested in a relationship, they found women who were. When a romantic relationship develops, the girlfriend takes priority. When my friends are serious about someone, they don't hang out with me as much, and when I'm serious about someone, I don't hang out with them as much. Those guys' lives are changing, and even when their relationships end, things never quite go back to being the same.

Relationships and friendships continuously change. People move away, they work different hours, they have kids, they find religion, they move back to take care of their parents, they realize that the people they love are not the same people they "fell in love" with (for better or worse) along with a lot of other factors that force people to shift priorities and reassess who they are.

Me too!! It sucks, but I don't really know what you can do about it except try to hold on to as many friendships as you can in spite of it.

Let's think about the information you have given us...

Young
Attractive
Geeky
Not interested in relationships

You know, i don't think there's many men alive, who wouldn't want to date said person. From a male perspective you tick every box. NT women are seen as over-emotionally, naggy, annoying, etc, etc...

I understand why you'd be annoyed that all your friends are interested in intimate relationships, but i don't see any way for you to prevent this. Except for befriending homosexual men.

Yeh I've had this too a couple of times. It hurts so much having to turn down someone you really care about, yet if you don't you'll probably hurt them even more.

Okay.

Heres why this keeps happening to all of you.
It's actually quite logical when you think about it.

So lets say you have a friend. This friend is an awesome person, likes alot of the stuff you do, isn't pretentious or whatever so you get along great with them.
Now imagine one day you notice that, hey Mike (or whoever) is physically attractive, wow. So you start thinking, Why shouldn't this work out and be a good thing right? We are compatible mentally and socially, why I bet it would be the best darn thing in the world!
Little do you know that mike is not attracted to you or whatever the case may be and your advances are rebuked with obvious awkwardness and strain.

Sucks huh? You also realise it sucks because you just dumped a whole lot of awkwardness and bad feelings on a good friend.

Well thats how those things go down for the most part.


As an aside I feel sorry that you don't seem to feel like you could have a relationship with anyone.
It may not sound the best but maybe you should try going on a date with one of these people. What do you have to lose? You might verry well find you enjoy them, or at least feel more ready to date in general and as an added bonus if it doesn't go well it may verry well diffuse the whole "I luvs u! <3" situation and after all the awkwardness clears out you can go back to the status quo.
I mean it offers more possibilities than just letting the friendship self destruct right?

Yes. If you want a man to love you and commit to you then you must love and commit to him.

A man does not want a "sister" or a "pal". He wants a women to love him and commit to him. Then he will commit to you.