I Have Given Up.

Post Reply New Topic

No one needs to respond to this rant.

I know this might not be the place for this, yet I will go ahead and rant anyway.

I have decided to give up on this stupid "girlfriend quest".

I went to several dating sites, and all I got was a "brush off" and even a few "nasty words".

I tried to be "open minded", and look what it got me.

I deleted the web sites from my browser, and left a resignation message on my "profile"(what a joke).

I do not "dare" ask at college, for I do not need to be charged with harrasssment.

Women today want "HollyWood Hunk Beef Cake."

I hope they know looks do not last forever, and that they could not see the forest for the trees.

I really mean it this time, for women are trouble.

Sometimes you have to be not looking, at least in my case. I was friends with my girlfriend from February 2008 till November 2008 before I allowed myself to develop feelings for her, and let her know. She had actually been my friend and given me advice on my last crush before her. She only officially became my girlfriend as of this month, September 2009. She is Aspie as well and she's my first, and going to be only girlfriend. I am her first boyfriend as well. She waited until she was 26, and I have waited until I'm 23. Not sure what to say, other than be friends before you develop feelings. Seeking didn't work for all my teen years or for the first 3 years of my 20's, so it may be better to live and discover someone passively rather than actively.

BTW: Cool that you have Data as your avatar, he made TNG cool.

You mean you wish women were trouble. Actually a little trouble might be a step up for some of us, but oh well. Why were you going to dating sites? Those places are riddled with scams and an overabundance of guys like yourself. Why would women go to dating sites when there's no shortage of possibilities for them in real life? Consider things from their point of view, and you'll realize that you were doing it all wrong anyway.

Okay. I will post this as many times as it takes until it sinks in with every guy here.

I'm a Hollywood hunk. I still can't find a stable relationship. A few dates here and there, sure. But nothing long term. Ever. I'm 35.

You are being rejected because of your aspie personality: poor social skills, weird eye contact, body language, poor verbal communication skills. That's what women see and that's why you are being rejected. Couple this with the love shyness which assures that you will muster enough courage to approach only a few women each year, and you get a recipe for loneliness.

If you don't want to be alone, you'll need to improve your social skills. Read self help books and books about human psychology. Use your strengths to learn how to cope with this.

You did not give up. That's simply unnatural.

Here's lesson number one. Stop thinking in terms of finding a girlfriend. That is creepy. Your goal should be meeting someone and having no expectations whatsoever past a first date. The game works like this, in this order:

Meet someone, chat her up, get her to laugh, exchange phone numbers. THAT'S IT. If you as much as hint that you are expecting something from her, like she's got something you want, you've blown it.

Call her the next day and suggest a lunch date. Meet there because she won't be comfortable with a new guy picking her up.

Go out, have fun. ASK her about herself, her life, her job. Don't talk about yourself unless she's asking questions. Hug goodbye and tell her you'll call.

If you don't blow the 1st date with your poor social skills, call a few days later and suggest a dinner date.

Pick her up, take her out to a fancy restaurant. Here you can talk about your hopes for the future, your desires, your hobbies, etc... I'd stay away from politics and religion on a second date!

DO NOT under any circumstances suggest a relationship or heaven forbid ask her to be your girlfriend. (Unless you are in High School! Which you aren't.) Let things progress as they may.

Go get a book and learn lots more about how this works. Like I said, use your strengths to your advantage.

As an aspie older woman who married the wrong guy, I am very impressed with the advice that you should date someone after they are already your friend. The most solid couples I have known (gay and straight) have been couples who have a really close friendship. I am so jealous of them. I wish I had married a friend.

It would certainly make my life easier if I could give up. And perhaps once I give up, I'll have one of those magical when-you-least-expect-it type of relationship.

It's this damn desire for emotional intimacy that I have never in my life been able to fill. It's not even that strong, but it is unavoidable.

The learning curve of love is much to steep to climb, but desire to see the view from up their.

Good advice. I hope it's taken. I've been wondering where things are going so consistently wrong. It certainly isn't because women want a "Hollywood Hunk Beefcake". If that were true, there would be a lot fewer couples in the world. But if you look through the wedding announcements of your paper on any given Sunday, there is barely a beefcake to be found. There are a lot of ordinary men marrying ordinary women.

So maybe where things are going so horribly wrong is what I bolded. The "I want a girlfriend. Will you be my girlfriend?" vibe is a horrible turnoff. It's depersonalizing (which is creepy). It broadcasts that you have a hole in your soul to fill and the first woman who: 1)says yes or 2)fulfills a list of specs and says yes, will do. That's not love. It's shopping. It's also the entire point of dating sites but, as has been pointed out, the failure rate of those is sky high. And it is so for a reason. I hope the guys here follow your advice.

I'd have to respectively disagree. Some/most women/men can get past poor social skills, weird eye contact, body language and poor communication skills. I'll admit, they don't make the best first impression but people are pretty good at picking up cues and can put these types of things aside.

What many people can't get past is desperation, aggressiveness and total disinterest in their life and their needs. I hear a lot of "I want I want I want" but very little about what those that desire a SO can do for a prospective girlfriend/boyfriend or what they bring to the dating table.

Think about it.

There is no shame in wanting to "give up" and be void of sexual desire. Indeed, an increasing number of men are seeking an induced state of asexuality, so as to be able to concentrate on and enjoy other aspects of life. Please have a look at the following website:

http://www.eunuch.org/vbulletin

I can't imagine it any other way.

In reality, I don't think there can be another way. However, people tend to get the wrong ideas from James Bond and the like...

Yes, but Bond was really only looking for a shag, innit?

Uh, probably so... but that without a commitment is a bad idea too.

You don't need to disagree per se. My list was not all inclusive. There are many negative fascets of a male aspie personality in terms of interacting with desireable women. Desperation, aggressiveness and disinterest are absolutely on the list. You are right about that, but only as it applies to older men who have repeatedly tried and failed at the dating game. Insecurity and anxiety are another negative traits. And also a lack of a sense of humor. All of those traits are quickly picked up by NTs, and make the male NTs hostile (hence the bullying in school) and the female NTs creeped out.

In reality, they are poorly informed and unaware of autism. We are too different and they are unable to interact with us. What we need, in a broader sense that goes far beyond the love and dating topic, is a better awareness of our differences. Ask 10 random people on the street what they know about autism, and you'll get the same answer: little kids with learning difficulties making their parents's lives a living hell. Adult autism isn't even on anyone's radar. It is almost as if everyone assumes that the autism just magically disappears when the cute blonde white boy (stereotype!) grows up. Or actually, it isn't even an assumption. It is more like they never even thought about it.

Not necessarily. One needn't be "in a relationship" in order to have mutually-pleasurable and beneficial sexual relations with someone else. What *is* needed is trust, respect, and a clear and mutually-agreed-upon set of rules and boundaries. I have numerous male friends and acquaintances, both online and off, who provide me with the intellectual companionship I need. What I'm mostly looking for at this juncture is a non-judgmental (and non-repulsive) male with whom to share some "fun" (*cough*). I can't even find that, ffs.

Giving up is easy, the reward is not so nice however. I have had many times where I have been like "you know what, all this rejection ain't worth it, I'm just gonna be lonely", but that helps nobody, especially yourself. Just makes you depressed and desperate, and nobody (especially a girl with better things to do) will want to be around you.

You don't have to be a good-looking guy really. I would say I'm pretty average looking, and I have had girls who are interested in me before, although I never acted upon it for verying reasons.
I believe that among most of us who have time to think too much, we tend to be too fearful of anything that may cause us hurt or rejection. I have been doing the same, and although the anxiety within me is strong and unwavering, I hate myself for being scared to do things that everyday people do without fuss, even though they face the same risks I face. I think that is often what happens when a man with Aspergers Syndrome thinks too much about his life. He concentrates on the pitfalls, and this is clearly evident and prominent when facing the dating scene and relationships.

However, many get used to it and form good lives for themselves. How? There are many ways.

The one I am taking is risky, but I have to do it in order to sustain my life and career as it is. Jumping in at the deep end. It's not without it's risks, but the rewards are often great. We need the courage to do the things that we find hard, otherwise we will live alone in our bubble.


Too much emphasis is placed upon dating and how hard it is, and how much we desperately need a girlfriend, and that alone hampers us. We need to live our lives first, get stuck into the things we do best, and try and make a life for ourselves.