Loneliness Created By Negative Thought

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Last edited by Kaylek on 18 Jul 2009, 5:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.

If you feel suicidal underneath your social persona, you are NOT a happy person. True happiness is not something you can find in another person, it's something you have to work towards yourself--figuring out how your mind is working against you, and then rising above it to gain inner peace that transcends thought and emotion. The enlightenment embodied by people like Socrates, Jesus, Buddha, the Dalai Lama, Gandhi, etc is in no way unattainable...it's just something you have to work for, probably for your entire life. I promise you if you learn how to be happy and do the work it takes to get there, not only will you probably find people are suddenly more attracted to you, but even if they aren't you won't feel lonely. Free will, whether it's evolutionarily sound or not, is the attitude most conducive to success in any field and happiness. Determinism, or believing that things play out in a certain way over which you have no control, simply alleviates you of responsibility and justifies the "victim" outlook on life. It is very pessimistic!

There's an old saying "the world is what you make of it" and I sort of agree with it to a certain extent. I have seen many people that create all kinds of problems for themselves, and it could be easily changed if they just changed their way of thinking. Sometimes this is easier said than done though, because some people have been born into bad situations, have mental issues and other past traumas that can be hard to bypass, in order to create a better life for themselves.

Being realistic...Aspies are born with a disadvantage, and this does cause loneliness, because of the social issues, etc., but when you factor in the rejection, and all of the other crap they have had to put up with, it just compounds the problem, and puts them at a further disadvantage.

Being idealistic...Yes, we can improve our lives, if we think positive, and allow ourselves to, but this can only help us up to a certain point.

Well, it has been a whole year since the last time I replied to this thread. Finding a significant other continues to be a logical impossibility for me (lol), and I still have not gotten over my loneliness entirely. But I continue to live, and I'm not as miserable as I was a year ago. So maybe a loveless life doesn't necessarily have to be miserable.

Can you talk to a therapist?

Intellectualization has never worked for me; it only makes me more detached from my feelings. Getting out my feelings of anger/sadness seems to be the only thing that works for me. Also, I am re-reading Alice Miller's "Drama of the Gifted Child", which talks about how children are often ignored (I definitely was), and it creates a deep emptiness. I'm really into reading her stuff now. It has been helping me a lot.

I've never been there, but I thought that was the TWA terminal at JFK airport in NY. It was a famous piece of architecture for the time, and very recognizable. Pretty typical of early to mid 60s architecture in other parts of the country.

So here's my take on this --

I've had 2 weeks alone by myself while my wife is back home visiting her family.

The first week I dwelled on how lonely I was (because I don't really have any backup friends when my wife is gone), and how sad I was. Work felt terrible, the week dragged by, and it didn't feel good.

This week, I'm all about being positive, staying busy at work, and having a good time when I'm home. I watch movies that make me feel good, make me laugh, etc.

There's no quick fix to loneliness. I think for some of us, we just have to accept that our interests or personalities are such that only a limited amount of people of very discriminating taste will ever want to hang out with us, and that we have to work for it. In my case, I think I tend to value my privacy and free time to spend as I want it over making the effort to do things with people.

And if your loneliness is about not having a GF or wife, well, we've gone over this a ton here, and I've already made my views known on how to solve that. I find that it's actually easier for me to get female friends, or even a girlfriend, than it is to get hang-out buddies that I can stand.

Where is your advice on that? I'd like to read it.

If I were in your case, with a wife or girlfriend that had to go away for a set period of time (even going into months-long period of time), I would at least know that once that period of time is up, she would return... being truly alone means that you have no idea if there will even ever be a "her" that will come into your life in the first place...

I agree. There is a big difference between feeling lonely, and being completely alone.

I would agree -- finding someone to love can really turn your world around, to the point where you don't even feel like you need other friends. Of course if my marriage broke up, I'd have to start from scratch rebuilding my social life, but that might not be as hard as one might think.

I guess the question is -- Why are you completely alone? I'm sure you've had some time to think about it -- what are the reasons?

Is it involuntary, or is some of it self-inflicted by choice, if even just subconscious choice? For instance, I know TOS doesn't like to go out during the daytime -- makes it a bit hard to meet people.

Finally, do you have a plan of action to deal with it, or are you going to leave things as is? If the latter, is that out of a sense of futility, or a conscious choice?

Strange when a teenager told me this once. He made be believe that anyone through wisdom and strength has over come loneliness. However over coming loneliness by conventional wisdom and reasoning can only go so far. If it was as effective as people like to think, older single people would not be lonely, especially pensioners, and why can't aspie use their logical reasoning to overcome loneliness. Are not older NTs and aspies as wise as younger NTs?

I really don't think I do have self-inflicted behavour. That makes it even worse because I don't see an option. The only way I might make dating easier is if I completely change my personality or make significant more money 50% at least to be more eligible.

The willing to do the necessary steps became very apparent to me when I went on a small dating course. I was the only men there, everyone else was women. A few of the exercises was to take up conversation with people in a museum ( Nation Portrait Gallery) then at a local grocery store.

At the end it was clearly apparent who made the most effort to follow the instructions of the tutor. The women made little effort to talk to anyone. They had the most go gain from going outside of their comfort zone and talk to someone as there is a good chance that there will be success.

The reason why I put more effort in is very simple. It isn’t because a am stronger and wiser then those woman ( though some politically oriented people would like to use that to make themselves look good) , it is because being a male by nature requires more effort, being an aspie requires a conscious effort, and being a black aspie requires even more effort.

Those who a required to make more effort would do so, Naturally. They will generally inhabit behaviour that is NOT counter productive to their survival, not the other way around.