Can we survive.

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I cant understand whats happening. We have been together many years. First years great, then his special interest, motorcycles, overtook his life when he found forums. I too am a biker, but got left behind. i.e. my bike is not good enough for his online friends. Woman are clearly not wanted.
Recently self discovered he has AS. Then it all became obvious why life has been so complicated.
The problem I cant understand now, is how we can work things out. I have been researching hard, and trying to use stratagies learnt from this forum, and try to understand how an AS mind works so I can support him, give him space etc. He showed little interest, and at first, and was proud to be an Aspie as many geniuses have AS. He now has started using this forum, esp the tests. He was impressed that in the quotient test he scored lower than average for AS in friendship/relationship 29/135, and empathy 7/80. He has not looked into how it effects his NT'ish wife. (Which I guess is fits the test result) i.e. I dont matter. I occasionally broach the subject, but dont push things as I feel it has to come from him & don't want to make him angry
We want to work things out, but he has not initiated any means of doing so. he told me he only reads about his problems. Surley if he truly wanted us to stay together he would be looking at ways of improving communication, or trying to understand how I am effected. I know our marriage only has a chance of survival if we both work together with commitment.
He has also picked up on "them and us" (Why do NT's turn nasty) which is even more damaging. And he has booked a biking holiday after only briefly mentioning there was a tour. I feel sad I'm not allowed, and sad he has chosen to go when we would benefit from getting away
Please advise is his response coming from AS traits, or is he really not bothered about me. Am I doing something wrong??? .
Please give your views. I am at breaking point.
thanks
Vee

We suck, don't try us.


You don't matter to us.




































....... even though , I can't see the problem. He's obviously so obsessed with his interest (a typical AS thing) , is that only the problem? You think that he cares about his bike more than he cares about you? You should ask him this directly.


As for not allowing you in, well the racing/cars-fans/bike-fans/beer-fans/gadget-fans are usually sexist male-dominated sub-cultures , like kinda of "men's things" in Tim Allen's sense(**roarrr roarr**) and women aren't "supposed" to be involved if you get what I mean, I am sure that many other men in such activities do that to their wives/gfs too. Not fair but that's how they usually are.



And oh , AS usually don't show affections, but that doesn't mean they don't care.


As for me and you , I really don't care about you , you can divorce him ....you can kick his ass , you can give him the kiss of death , you can start doing the 69 again.... I really don't care.

...but that's only because I don't know you. But he knows you for years.

Vee, sorry I don't have time to write a longer reply, but I need to finish off some work at the office.

You are not wrong to feel this way; feelings are feelings and it's natural. What he's going through is rather typical post-diagnosis behaviour -- I got like that at first, the whole them and us thing and all; but it can't stay there. He has to understand that just as he now has a genetic explanation for his needs and his behaviour, you do too, and his need and resentment and frustration and sadness does not outweigh yours. I had to learn to see this too in a close relationship, and it was difficult for me.

I suggest you see a psychologist who specialises in AS who can counsel you individually and together as a couple.

You could also tell him regarding the them or us thing, that the people he rides with or that surrounds him are most likely NTs (unless he chose beforehand) and that however much intimidating it might be to be drowned in a sea of NTs, that he should channel his AS "superiority" (if that's what he thinks) into tolerating them, otherwise he'd be as bad as the NTs he despises. ~.~

And i'm not sure about the whole issue of excluding women from bikes, i've seen more and more women riding with their man so i find it rather hard to think that the macho stereotype would persist. I could understand it when it comes to the more technical stuff like repairing the bike and switching pieces though... <.<

I'm sorry that some members earlier in the thread lacked some sense in their response. That he does not appear to have reactive empathy, it may be worth pursuing someone to help him develop an analytical sense of it. You seem to imply that he is choosing to hurt and ignore you; however, if you parallel it to a lack of sight, would you be mad at someone who was blind not seeing the door in the hallway? My wife-to-be is the most important person in the world to me, and we have to take time apart in order to allow each of us to process, adjust and relax. He may be doing the same thing in a very detached and uncommunicated manner. There are no absolute rules here, but being honest and direct - giving explanations instead of asking for answers that may not be there - would be my suggestion.


M.