Making Her Feel Comfortable

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About a month and a half ago, I started talking to a woman online. I feel like we hit it off quite well and we started seven or eight hours at a time talking to eachother every night. It became pretty common for the sunrise to mark the point where it was time for the conversation to end and for us to get to sleep. If one of us had to go somewhere, we'd switch to phones. Sometimes, we'd get so tired o0f typing that we'd just put voice chat on our laptops and yawn our way through the last bits of our talks before we were ready for sleep.

I feel like we shared a lot of views and attitudes and those that we didn't share were places where we had a lot of mutual tolerance and common ground. We were able to talk openly about everything from childhood awkwardness to sexuality to favorite candy bars to video games to politics. It was nice and it was something that had been missing for me that I'd never fully appreciated the absence of. She was sensitive and intelligent and I never felt any kind of pronounced gap in terms of our ideals, our intelligence levels or our overall emotional chemistry. I was a bit baffled and concerned about how much time we were spending together online and with anyone else, it would have been tiring, but it was something I found to be deeply rewarding.

She places a value on "clicking" with a person early on and she admits that, online, we clicked.

This past week, we made plans to meet up on our days off. She lives about 90 miles away, which works out to be about a two and a half hour drive. We found a motel I could stay at fairly reasonably and tentatively planned to spend the day together with the possibility that I might spend the night in town and we'd make a two day event out of it.

From the time I saw her, I was taken aback. I felt she was considerably more attractive than she was in her photos online, which I already found to be considerably attractive -- and I've only been attracted to maybe a dozen people in my life.

I've spent years training myself to function in social settings. My college degree is in theater and I've done a lot of acting and public speaking (although my passions are more in dramatic criticism and creative writing). I had a somewhat troubled diagnostic history because, according to more than one therapist, I've learned to mask and deal with my Asperger's "too well", to the point where I have the issues but the symptoms tend to stay masked unless I'm very tired or anxious. All of that went out the window when I saw her.

We've talked pretty frankly about things. She was made uncomfortable by my leaning in when we talked, saying inappropriate or awkward things in front of one of her friends and in public, for example complimenting her on her appearance whenever there was a lull in the conversation or laughing nervously. I stared at her eyes because I've never seen eyes that looked like hers and I thought they were incredibly distinctive and beautiful and I found her face's emotiveness to be captivating, whereas she is uncomfortable with eye contact aside from as a means of communication -- which I'm not strong at. There were a few points where it was nice but they were short-lived and whenever I became awkward, I'd find myself apologizing or saying things that were even more blunt and awkward, exaggerating the awkwardness. My gut feeling is that this became worse when we were in public or around other people.

She has said that this is unacceptable because she wants a guy who puts her at ease and everyone else in the room at ease and I made her very uncomfortable, although she doesn't think that I'm untrustworthy or malicious or anything like that and she doesn't find me unattractive.

She's suggested behavioral therapy and drugs and I'm worried that she has a particularly and unrealistically extreme view of my awkwardness as well as the prospects that behavioral therapy have for a high functioning autistic; I think I'm already functioning above the norm in that regard and am unsure what kinds of improvement I could expect.

I'm concerned for our ability to stay friends. She wants to. My feeling, which I have expressed to her, is that I am incredibly attracted to her and don't foresee that changing or going away and feel I would be dishonest if I said I could simply let go of that. I felt like the best solution might be to simply stop talking entirely and while she understood, that wasn't something that either of us would be happy with. The compromise which we've settled on at present is that I accept another chance is unlikely but that she also be willing to accept that there is a small chance that we might yet have a romantic chemistry if I work on my social skills and anxiety.

Basically, our arrangement is: I don't put pursuing her at the forefront of our interactions and she, in turn, doesn't totally disqualify me as a romantic interest. Unlikely, yes. Impossible, no.

I'm really not sure what to do. I care a lot both about this girl and her comfort, in particular, and, in general, what happens in similar situations in the future. It really annoys me and hurts because I think there are aspects of her life and personality that other people won't or haven't appreciated or gotten and the same holds true for her interactions with me. There is a high level of mutual caring and compassion but she can't (and doesn't think she should have to) acclimate to my social weaknesses and I want her (or future women in her position) to be happy and comfortable. I feel very frustrated because I'm convinced that she'll find up with someone who uses her or who "overlooks" some of her quirks and traits rather than appreciating her FOR them. It seems to be her history, being objectified or judged. I think, given a chance, I could be better for her than that (or at least better for someone like her) but we need a level of in-person comfort and ease that I don't know how to facilitate.

She's going to end up with guys who want her only for her body or who will self-righteously "be willing to overlook" her quirks or her past. And that hurts because it means seeing someone I do care about derided and unappreciated, all for the sake of social graces, propriety and body language instinct that I can't provide but which I feel that predatory NTs can. It may sound irrational but I think that's the likely course and I want to be better for the sake of her or at least for others like her that I meet in the future.

Help, please!

I think you guys need to arrange to see each other several times. Spending time in person will help. You will be less nervous around her and the awakredness will get less. Anytime you are that attracted to someone.... no matter what.... you gonna fowl things up a bit. So maybe a few more trips and don't spend allot of time with her friends etc... just go places the two of you and get used to each other... you obviously have already connected and like each other.... now it's about getting used to be together in person... and that will take a minute.

Well, she was so put off by the awkwardness that she isn't crazy about that kind of thing. I tried explaining that I do take awhile to get a feel for a particular person and that people take awhile to get a feel for me but she thinks there is something deeply dysfunctional with that kind of thing and I think that is driven by hurt she has experienced and what she has seen with her own sister, who has a fantastic marriage and was extremely choosey. This girl is also, like I say, very attractive and is, I think, used to having her pick of guys.

Basically, it would be a very slim chance that anything would develop in her eyes and its only because of the connection that we do have that she would entertain a 2% possibility instead of just ruling it pure impossibility. And the awkwardness made her VERY uncomfortable and it isn't something she's eager to repeat. The friendship and the online/phone interaction is what she wants to salvage and what I have said is that keeping that 2% possibility open instead of a flat out denial makes that possible because I can't just flip a switch and not be attracted and I think the mental/emotional spark has to at least have a chance of meaning something or even a friendship will become cold and awkward and unmaintainable.

Are there really resources I can pursue or is it basically just an emotional support network and very basic skills for the very deeply affected autistics?

Honestly, the only anxiety med that every really did the trick for me was Valium (which I take for dental work) and nobody is going to prescribe that, even if that type of med is the only thing I've ever seen effective on either side of my family for anxiety. (My grandfather took Valium and my mom has been advised to use her pain pills for anxiety also, as needed.)

I'd do training or even consider electroshock for any nervous ticks or any behavioral abnormalities but I'm inclined to think they're there for extreme cases, not fine tuning like I need. And unless I go on a date to visit a shrink, I don't think a doctor would even see the kind of situations where those abnormalities are pronounced. Ha!

Would rescue remedy or St. John's wort work for the anxiety? I don't know how available they are where you are but it's worth a try, if you haven't already tried either of them.

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Ookay... I think she's way off here. I mean, the online thing sounds very intense, but she's bothered by it IRL? I'm assuming it was just butterflies and starry eyes you were doing, not anything truly creepy or inappropriate. It'd be inappropriate if you didn't know her or she'd made it plain she wanted to be left alone, but it's usual to be a bit awkward and emotional meeting someone for the first time, a first date, or someone you really like. That goes for both of you.

But I think she's WAY out of line suggesting drugs and therapy. It's none of her business. Especially when you haven't behaved badly. And especially on a first date (Maybe she was trying to be helpful and supportive, but even if that was the case.. )

You definitely don't want electroconvulsive therapy. It's used to control Tourettes or Depression that is threatening your quality of life (or life threatening in the case of depression) when absolutely nothing else has worked. It works by causing brain damage to stop or reduce depression/tics, and can often result in memory loss.

I think it'd be good for you to get a psychiatrist to talk to. Not because you've done anything wrong or need to be fixed, but so you can be supported indepth while you're dealing with your AS and social anxiety, instead of just bottling it up and masking. Also so you can be prescribed anti -anxiety medication (you have a good chance, if you find it beneficial), and be supervised in your use.

This is why I wouldn't invest too much of my time with someone online, without meeting them soon after you start talking. Although you hit it off over the net, this doesn't mean crap, until you meet them in person.

Also, I understand that she might be kind of leary about meeting someone off the internet, but I wouldn't like the whole idea of her bringing her friends along on a date. Not only do you not have her full, undivided attention, you also have people that can interfere with the two of you.

Let me get this straight here...she's trying to get you to change your personality after your first (group) date? If she was interested in you, and you guys were right for each other, she wouldn't ask you to change.

I feel like I'm watching a horror movie here, you're doing exactly the right thing to hurt yourself, but you seem compelled to do it anyway. The scarey thing is that I've done it so many times myself, you think I'd know better.

I don't doubt she finds you attractive on more than one level, in fact I'm pretty sure she thinks you're quite a catch. The problem is that the deal-breaker is not being able to pass off as acceptable in front of her friends or herself. I take it she's young? Young people feel the pressure to accomplish everything at once, I'm imagining someone who wants to play the field and see what the different types of men are like. She tallied you up already, you're pretty good looking, pretty nice, and pretty akward. On some level, she knows she can work past this with you, on another level, she doesn't want the pressure. When you peel past people's layers to get through the akwardness, there's a huge chance you'll find yourself stuck on a person (not wanting to hurt their feelings). Someone with less depth is easier to experience things with and women don't call them shallow, they see a guy who seems content no matter what and they feel compelled to learn the secret.

There's this childhood story that always inspired me, it's about a young boy in a tribe who is seen as weak and devalued in every way. Sensing his incompatability with the tribe, he rows to a far off island in his canoe and faces danger that had little preparation for. His challenge was greater than anyone else's challenge because there was more he had to prove to himself. When he came back to the tribe, he had a newfound respect.

I really don't want something like this to happen to me again, but it seems like part of the process. I've learned a few tricks though, acting interested in things around them makes women feel less pressured by your presence. Acting interested in things around them involves actually having a connection to things around them.

The women I like aren't there for me, so I'm not there for any women anymore. I'm just gonna focus on me until another woman shows me a reason to like her. It's really tough to get a woman out of your head (trust me, I'm still haunted).

I have this archtype of my last crush, and I imagine this person who attacks me for the intent I had to love her. She feels threatened. I try to explain myself to her, I don't want her to be upset with me, all I did was think she was the right perosn for me. No matter what I say to her, she doesn't seem to realize where I was coming from. If I cry she accuses me of being manipulative, if I tell her I didn't mean it, she calls me a liar. Deep down she doesn't believe I ever loved her. But what about my feelings? All I have is love here, and all she gives me is hatred.

I turn the argument back around, I tell her why I loved her. She was trustworthy, I saw something in her that people have a hard time sensing, that she had to guide people through life in order to make sense for herself. She actually cared, and ironically, nobody seemed to care that she cared. But here she is, hating me for being me. I justify myself, I'm not a liar, just a man who tried to avoid the humiliation and misery associated with being rejected. I refuse to apologize for my feelings. I tell her that I won't ever develop these feelings towards her ever gain, I walk away, the burden of proof is on me. I know her too well, she would want to explain things to me, she'd want me to understand where she was coming from. She can explain everything if she wants, but I'm leaving, after all, I have a life to live, who does she think she is, trying to take it up for herself?

It's a sad situation. When I first started seeing my aspie bf it felt like an impossible match, but something kept me coming back. I just had this feeling that there was something worth waiting for, something that I wouldn't want to miss. So I waited. And it happened. He learned to trust me as we both worked towards better communication and mutual understanding. It was so worth it!
So, my opinion is that in order for her to find you easier to be with, you'd have to learn to relax around her. It's a two way street really, so you'd have to persuade her to work with you, see you as something worth waiting for. Maybe if you have friends with whom you can show your more social side and be at ease, you could invite her to join you sometime and see that side of you?
If what she wants is a smooth talker who can entertain a ballroom full of people with witty stories and gentlemannish behavior, she's probably not for you. Even if she has loads of good qualities and you would like for her to be the one, she's not. And if you're not what she wants of a partner, neither is she the one you need.