Moving forward

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I just wanted to write this partly on a positive note - I am starting to at least get myself out there again more in terms of dating, maybe not by my own means of just hitting it off in public places but at least having good dates once the ball is rolling so to speak. I had a flurry of activity back in March or April, sadly I hadn't been interested - some it was personality, others they had personality dead aim but chemistry couldn't work. This time I'm actually talking to at least one girl who I definitely attracted to, great conversation, she'll be out of state in a few weeks though (3 or 4 hours away), another girl who is definitely attractive, we had great chemistry in emails, but talking to her had a scary twinge of history repeating - still have a first date lined up and I'm really crossing my fingers and hoping for the better.

What I'm working on most with myself right now - I've had a hard life, historically - at least personality-wise (rather than in the come-on to women, just general dialog and philosophy) I'd been a bit intense, I'm working on just being very much a non-complainer, keeping a smile, the beautiful thing I've noticed about intelligent NT's is they know life is hard so you can keep a straight face, be an optimist, and especially if somewhere in the conversation you mention AS they don't need much in terms of explanation - they know life is tough and they're on your side especially if they see that you're dead set on delivering good social composure and walking the higher road with things.

What I feel like I still get tangled with pretty badly?

1). I still find myself wondering if I'm too iffy - I can meet a girl, have great chemistry, but with the slightest reservation it has me wondering if I want to go forward, they can have a great first date, enjoy my company entirely, but if I'm not careful I know that wondering can start to register as distance and be a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy (I can't blame them either - if someone was giving me those cues - I would too).

2). Women are pretty quick to think logistics - ie. is there a future here? Is this going forward? How is it going forward? Unfortunately - I'm an even quicker draw than they are. Sometimes its the first date, sometimes its long before that even when the signs that would disrupt me and make me think about things are so subtle.

I feel like these two things, while their normal to a point, still have me looking at this as possibly unresolved issues with my own identity? I'd have to imagine that anyone who's coming in with practically a life-time on the bench and things start to warm up at least a little and, they end up feeling like the one never fully interested enough, you can't help but wonder as well how much of that is properly going with your gut and how much of that may actually be for all practical intents and purposes something you need to work on or another layer of your identity that still needs to be peeled back and self-resolved? I know, probably a bit of a weird question to be asking here but that ends up being in the back of my head a lot these days. Understanding the human condition a lot better I know that no one I'll meet, at least in all probable likelihood, will be perfect for me. Yet I think most often its my AS-selfconciousness that has me in the mode of never getting too comfortable - I know that in and of itself is another knot that I work every day at untying as, you'll have your major social obstacles that you can dismantle but a lot of the higher level issues, or small slips that happen every day which will simply be beyond your means to correct and finding peace with yourself on that level - especially when you know better than half of the stuff your nervous system physically gives out to - its definitely a long term project.

I hope this post wasn't entirely pointless, part of me is still thinking a lot through and yeah - part of me just wants to emote and stick these thoughts and feelings to a wall somewhere. I notice though - dating is hard for everyone, and I'm not complaining, I'm at least crawling up to speed - would loved to have had these kinds of experiences maybe 5 or 6 years ago but, it is what it is.

I hear you.

It's good to write this type of stuff out. I don't have any useful tips. You seem to be on the right track. It's so hard when you need to consciously calculate what everyone else does instinctively.

It's also good to do your thinking among supportive people. Carry on.