Flummoxed (Long)

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So, I'm a diagnosed AS gay male, and I've been in a relationship with a ADHD gay male for almost four years, and I can honestly say that, while love from both sides has never been an issue, just about everything else has been.

We've had a very complicated relationship, even with our own mental issues aside. I supported him financially for 3 years, his brother was killed in an auto accident, my parents became oxycontin junkies and almost destroyed themselves... it's been challenging to say the least.

My life before this relationship was stable, if not entirely healthy. I made enough money to comfortably support myself, but my AS coping mechanisms (as I understand them to be this now) weren't always the best. I was diagnosed in 2007 at age 28, so I went through my whole life just thinking I was weird on my own merits. I had always been a loner for the most part; as a child I wasn't really accepted by other kids and as a young adult, I had grown into an attractive guy, so using my looks to keep people at bay was just another tool in my arsenal of coping mechanisms. Sex was my way to deal with the world on my own terms. It was a language I understand. And as things go, I'm not really emotional or empathetic as a person in a lot of important ways.

Now, my bf is essentially the complete opposite of me. He's extremely emotional, very "this is what I am" -- He doesn't have a lot of contexts or complexes for behaviors and situations like I do. He is, however, very aggressive, completely stubborn and always and forever believes he's right, no matter how far offbase he is.

I think he's very insecure around me because I have a very solid command of information on just about any topic and he frequently comes up short in discussions. I'm only three years older but I've climbed up the job ladder very much faster than just about anyone my age, degree or not. I make almost six figures without benefit of a college degree and he was out of work for three years in coming here and had only worked retail previously, so I know he feels like he's at a disadvantage occupationally.

However, he's incredibly smart and his ability to see things and express himself completely blows me away every time. So there's definitely an admiration of each other's skills, even when we're conflicting over them.

Now, because I've always used sex as a way to cope, this created a lot of problems in our relationship. Because he wasn't working, I started to get very concerned and scared and I flirted online as a way to temporarily escape, which I admit, wasn't ever the right thing to do. However, when it's all you've ever known, and you've become singlehandedly responsible for another human being, it truly can stress you to the breaking point. And I did this for three years until I was losing my hair, vomiting almost weekly and having panic attacks. We fought off three eviction attempts because with only one income and my volatile work situation as I continually tried to find more jobs with greater salary, it was just so much to bear. I had given up every comfort, everything that made my life enjoyable for this relationship, and it seemed as though the only reward I got was being told everything I didn't do.

My bf started to gain weight soon after we moved in together and though I do not know his weight now, I do know he gained well over 50lbs, which, combined with the stress that his inclusion into my life and my support of him.. this absolutely killed my desire to be with him sexually. For me, sex was always a carnal affair. Never emotional. It was how I decompressed, or blew off steam.

It's been a very long time since I've felt anything sexual toward him, and eventually, after two years of trying to be a good partner and boyfriend, just being at the end of my rope, I made another wrong choice in cheating on him. I just wanted nothing more not to be myself anymore, to not have these constant stresses and demands on me. I was the only person in my life who was capable of standing on his own two feet, doing the right things. Everyone else looked to me to fix them and take care of them. My bf looked to me to financially support him and then on top of that, feel okay with doing half the housework and wanting to be intimate. My parents were full blown oxycontin junkies who were near set to either kill themselves in an overdose (or someone else), lose their home, etc... looking to me to be a voice of hope and reason.

I did all this starting at 26 years old. And I was everything to everyone. And it took a toll on me. I was basically done with the relationship in December and I told my bf this after it looked like a job lead I had found for him wasn't being given his complete attention as I felt it should have been. So since then, he's been working (very hard), and I have nothing but good things to say about this. But I'm wondering now if it's a question of the damage being done from both our sides.

I cheated on him multiple times, I flirted with men online just to try to keep one nostril above the mental waters, which eroded his trust in me. I never asked to be a foster parent, supporting someone financially and watching him just get bigger and bigger and meaner, so I had to do all the heavy lifting in our relationship alone, which eradicated my respect for him and prevents me from even now wanting to be intimate with him. He kept saying he needed me to "inspire" him to do the things in his life he should already have been doing. Which just made me angry. And knowing that I can go into the single world and have my pick of anyone... it really makes me miss my single life, which I gave up so long ago ultimately to end up taking care of him. My bf previous to that was also completely financially supported by me for over 2 years, so it really strikes a nerve with me. I feel like my whole 20s were spent nursemaiding other people and I never got to just enjoy myself and the fruits of my hard work.

We're going to counseling imminently, but I wonder what you all think. Was this relationship sunk by my AS and my inability to communicate and be empathetic to everything he was undergoing? Or was my AS the only thing that kept this going so long from my end because of our sense of loyalty?

Am I wasting my time?

Bumping because I'd really like a second opinion.

By the sounds of it, you have really supported this guy, so I don't think your AS was the issue here. I think it was your flirting and cheating, which you have openly admitted to. But then if you are both still together despite that and you both want to remain with each other, hang on in there. Go to this counselling and try to work out ways in which this relationship would be more stable. The fact that you admitted to cheating and that you acknowledge that doing this was wrong is a good start. Not many people who cheat bow their heads apologetically and admit they were wrong ,they usually bow their heads because they have been caught, so good on you.

However, you do need to tell him how you feel and if you struggle, I'm sure the counselling will try and help you relay these feelings across to your partner. You need to tell him about how him being financially dependant on you is a bugbear and causing problems. Then you can find a way of dealing with it and getting him to become a little more independent of you in that manner.

From your post, I get the feeling that you still want to be with him, so I say give it another go and see what happens as you have both already been through a lot together it would seem, and yet still remained together.

Hey rensilaer.

I can't offer advice, but maybe some reflections from my experiences will help you choose a path.

I had a BF for a long time who was struggling with alcoholism and a lot of other issues, and I hadn't even heard of Asperger's, so I was a bit difficult as well. Eventually it got to be too much for me and I ended it. He moved back to Colorado, has stayed sober, and is in a good relationship, and I've been in good relationship for 9 years, and we've remained friends, so it all worked out well. Sometimes the right thing to do is to move on, even though you still care about each other. One thing I learned was that I tended to be a 'rescuer', and that doesn't work very well in relationships.

I used to get really stressed out, even when it didn't seem that there was much in my life that was objectively stressful. I didn't realize that just being around other people was a major source of stress. When I was younger I went off by myself whenever I could, but as I got better socialized I started trying to have more normal patterns, and thought that more contact meant better socialization. But I would come home and either vent and rant to my BF or hide myself in my room. Now I work by myself, in my home office, and am alone most of the day, which is what I need. When my NT BF comes home, HE needs to vent, and I set aside what I'm doing (which requires a huge act of will <grin>) and listen and pay attention and am supportive. I think we all need to write operating manuals for ourselves.

I wouldn't worry too much about the cheating thing. You've shown your loyalty, and sex really isn't the core of relationships.

The counselling is good. OK, I do have some advice: The purpose of counselling is for you each to learn things about yourself, and to explore the dynamics of the relationship. It doesn't matter if you stay together or break up. What matters is learning from the experience so you don't get stuck in the same patterns. You guys may have a breakthrough. Or not.

The AS & ADHD have a big effect on dynamics, but relationships are tough for everyone, and really being vulnerable and intimate and trusting a partner is HARD.

Good luck, and keep me posted.

^

I second duke666's comments. Awesome post. Though I cringe at the thought of