feelings of despair

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I know there has been a "give up" thread recently, and I've stated there and will say again that I have no intention of giving up...

But, anyway, the point of this thread is that I can't help but feel such deep despair that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life... I get the idea of "if she doesn't like you, there's nothing you can do about it", and I can understand completely... I also keep hearing the whole "meet as many women as you possibly can" line as well, and while I try to get to know every woman that enters my social sphere (the activities I'm involved in), I still don't understand the whole going out with complete strangers thing...

The problem is that, within my social sphere, I see all the people around me hooking up (in many circumstances with other people in said sphere), but there is still nobody for me. Every woman I've ever been attracted to wants to be "just friends", and with one exception that allowed for a bit of playful (though not serious) flirting, they've all kept me at arms' length. Again, I don't blame any of them for that, it's obviously their own life and I shouldn't interfere with that. But at the same time, I feel so lost and alone... I feel as though I should give up and cut myself off from the pain of despair, but a part of me is so stubborn and refuses to give up, so I'm not even offered that small measure...

I know how that is. I've been single for years now, but I've adapted. I could care less about dating. My friend Brandon and I will go to a bar, and he'll say, "she's hot! go talk to her, dude!" Yeah, cos that EXACTLY why I would want to talk to any woman. The girlfriends I've had I've either met online or through other friends. That's probably the way it'll stay.

It is only when you give up, that things are hopeless. So long as you don't give up, there will always be hope.

I haven't been on WP for a while ToS, because I have been busy living, and I actually find it has helped me to take a break; get away from it for a while. I think spending too much time posting in L&D can make you pretty depressed, have you considered taking a little time away from WP, and changing your routine a bit? Sometimes just making a change, or shifting your routine, shaking things up can cause new things to happen.

Anyway, my thoughts are with you, and in fact I think of you on and off hoping you will find what you are looking for.

ToS, you are very smart. I'm twice your age and just relaizing that I will always be alone as well. There is no point in trying if you just get shot down all the time. You learning that will save you from years of heartbreak like I had.

ToS.

What can I tell you? At your age, I was still years away from my first kiss. And I had given up on more than one occasion. To make it worse, I even fell in limerance with a young lady who eventually became my best friend. No kisses there, either.

I wish I could tell you a simple formula to make it all better. I can't. Odds are that things will get better, but there is no guarantee.

It sucks. I am with you there. It is like a cruel joke, life has taken a lot of the tools that NTs have to start relationships and make them work, yet left all the instincts and urges in place. All you can do is what you can do. If you need to take a break every now and then, well do it. But don't permanently isolate yourself.

ToS I'm going to give you some very counter-intuitive advice.

Give up.

By this, I DON'T mean retreat from your social sphere and stop trying to talk to women. Definately keep doing that.

I mean give up TRYING to get a girlfriend. Sometimes the very act of trying too hard can lower your chances. You are probably currently giving off a desperate vibe, a vibe that says "there's a huge hole in me and I want YOU to fill it". That's an impossible task for any woman (or man, women give off this vibe too) and it sends people scurrying in the other directionbecause they don't want the overwhelming responsibility of being the one who has to fill that hole.

Keep doing activities in your social circle. Keep talking to women and making friends with them. Stop trying to figure out which, if any, could be your girlfriend. This will give the vibe of despair a chance to dissipate. Work on filling that hole with friends and the charitable activities you do with your church. When the despair vibe has dissipated and the giant hole is just a shallow divot, that's when women will find you more attractive...because they won't feel it is their job to ease the despair or fill the hole. The thing is, you have to give up with a zen-like acceptance rather than a "women suck" bitterness. It's the zen-like acceptance that women find more attractive because it allows them room to relax themselves.

First, keep losing your over-weight , once you become well fit then try again. Don't believe what others tell you , the vast majority of girls can't be attracted to fat guys and forget about the rare exceptions. I saw your pic once , and man, you're fat. (back then , not sure how fat you are now).

So make this your goal instead: lose weight, forget about girlfriends right now.

Once you become fit you'll start feeling better about yourself too, it would boost your self-respect and confidence.

Only reconsider giving up if you keep failing after that.

Just one more thing: LepetitPrince's advice and mine are complementary though they sound so very different. Exercise has a proven track record of steering people away from despair. Exercise changes your body and your mind at the same time. You don't have to turn into a gym rat. Probably some basic changes in routine would make a big difference and help that despair get replaced with a confidence in your own body and health.

I agree with these guys ^^. And, this ties in to what sunshower said....take some time off. If you took a couple months off and got in shape, you'd be an entirely new person. You keep asking what you can do differently to improve your odds, and i think you've found the answer.

The guy that shot up that gym and took out those women looked in shape. Proves just because you are in shape you will still get rejected.

I'm overweight myself. I'm happy with who I am. I will not go out and totally change my life just to get a girlfriend. They should like you for who you are. If they don't like you because you are fat then they are shallow. I have gone out with all types of women, thin, athletic, and BBW. Women need to extend guys the same respect.

Uh, no they're not. They're just human. We can't control who we're attracted to, being shallow has nothing to do with it.

I wouldn't go so far as to call them shallow... after all, I have said before that women are human beings with their own free will, and they're certainly within their right to think I'm not attractive...

The problem is that, at this point, I don't think there's any woman that would think I am...

I've had many friendships with women. All of them have said to me at some point in our friendship: "You are a great guy, Ken. You'll make someone very happy, but I don't want to go out with you that way."

Well gee, if you think i'm such a great guy, why not see what happens when we try being romantic? why be so narrow minded you don't want to to try it? They see I have potential in romance but they don't want to move forward with the relationship? I would have rather them not have said anything then send me a mixed signal like that.

Yes. I saw the pictures of him and he was in shape. He was actually reasonably good looking back in the day. So I figured he must have had a singularly awful personality to override that. Then I read his online diary. In his online diary, he is a person so toxic and scary that I would NEVER give him dating advice because I would fear for any woman reckless enough to date him. He seemed horrible and dangerous in his diary. It was a window into his soul and what was there was just brrrrr.....


However, I also consider posts to be a window. Of course nobody is going to be as candid in posts as they would be in a diary, but still a vibe comes through. The vibe I get from ToS is a genuinely goodhearted guy in panic mode. The panic and despair will keep women at arm's length because they don't want the burdensome responsibility of having to fill the hole of despair. Being out-of-shape will play into this because it will come across as "I'm not worth taking care of so I don't take care of myself" which is not a good vibe to send out. This is the vibe I'm getting in posts. What you get in posts is a very limited picture, but the contrast between ToS's posts and Sodini's online diary is so stark that I'm optimistic for him. I think following the advice laid out in this particular thread will be of help.

Last edited by Janissy on 15 Aug 2009, 4:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Yes, for now you're right, no woman on earth thinks you're attractive, fat boy.

Since no woman likes you, then forget about them and keep working in losing your fat before you die from some heart attack at age 23. You have a LFA little brother under your care,no?

Keep exercising till you surprise me with a pic that will shut me up and make me stop calling you a fat boy.

Revenge would be sweet, don't you think so?

Last edited by LePetitPrince on 15 Aug 2009, 4:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You are an ass for insulting him. I hope you burn in hell. My dad was not fat but he had a heart attack and died at 34. Thank you for reminding me of that. Its people like you that make people kill themselves.

Last edited by KenM on 16 Aug 2009, 5:07 am, edited 1 time in total.