I'm practically having a meltdown

Post Reply New Topic

First you have to read my other thread:

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt105199.html

Since our first date I decided that it is best for us to take this relationship (or nonrelationship, whatever you want to call it) very very slowly. This is more for me than for him. I have no experience with AS so I want to ease into this gently, it's a great deal to take on.

I like to do my homework, so I am reading a lot of threads on this site. You guys seem pretty nice and decent, so I have no reason to panic.

However, last night I started doing some research on books written by women married to Aspie men. I haven't actually read any of the books yet, but the write-ups and reviews on the Internet scare the pants off of me.

2 examples that I will cite are:

http://www.jkp.com/catalogue/book/97818 ... /contents/

http://www.amazon.com/Loving-Mr-Spock-U ... 1932565205

Is it really that bad? It can't be.

I wrote my guy a nice email telling him that I had a great time at dinner and I would call him next week. He wrote me back telling me that he had a good time too. Since he doesn't have a car I want to take him to a park that he mentioned he wants to visit for our next date and I am going to call him on Friday to see if he wants to go Monday or Tuesday. The more I read about these books, the more I panic. It seems like the women who write these tomes have been through a great deal, or they could be codependents.

Any of you want to calm me down?

BTW, this board is going to have to adopt me, I seek message board advice all the time so you guys are going to be it for this dating matter, so get used to this.

I've never been in a relationship (I'm an autie female) but I've had aspie male friends. Every case is different. Your going to have to talk to him about all the things (I mean EVERYTHING even if it makes you uncomfortable) that bother/worry you so you get all the answers you want/need. Listen to what he has to say & try to pace it so he gets it & isn't overwhelmed (try to read him/ask him how much he's processing, etc.). Find out what he wants in a relationship with you (short & long term) & go from their. Ask aspie/autie males b/c they will have better answers as like your partner they are aspie males. Good Luck

The "Mr. Spock" book is pretty close. The "22 things" is utter rubbish though. Everyone is different. It seems as if the author took the absolute worst qualities and condensed them into a 22-item list.

No it isn't really that bad.

If you are an NT expecting to have all your emotional needs met by your AS partner, then it probably won't be good.

If you are an NT who can be emotionally self-sufficient, find additional emotional 'nutrition' outside the relationship through a friend-network like my partner does, then it'll be fine. She really likes our relationship because it supports her emotional independence, something she was wanting to develop. She doesn't NEED me, she loves me. And I can love her in the way I do.

......Bad people write bad books.

Some people need some ethos or symbol to hate other people.

The symbol can be a swastika, a cross, or a person, and the targets can be...eh..ANYONE.
So half these internet books can be written by some ticked off ex, someone with another form of issues, or most likely, a racial prurity/god's will freak(God is cool, but god doesn't want people dead. THAT is satan. If you're on that boat, anyway....)

Don't fuss about the guy you like having a label. You like him....And I think the best person to learn about AS from is him.

Not some subjective book.

Not us, with our limited and VERY variable views....

But if you want ONE truth... about aspie guys...

We're honest. To a fault. A funny fault. But we don't decieve. We don't lie very well at all And we cannot get away with saying "your butt doesn't look fat in that" when..it..does.

Then again, that's not nessecarily a bad thing : )

Good luck, have fun.

People always tend to share the worse part of things. You know how they say you always hear when things go bad but rarely about them going right.

I bet for every bad story of an aspie relationship there are 500 good ones that go unmentioned.

Would that that were true. I just finished reading "Look me in the Eyes" and that guy routinely lied through his teeth for 'fun' at other's expense. Whether or not it was due to AS or some other co-morbid condition, I thought the guy was a major jerk and not someone I'd want to hang out with.

The part about each Aspie being an individual is true... just like NTs. Some are losers and some are worth putting some energy into... and a lot of that has to do with where you're coming from.

A book you might find helpful is "Counselling for Asperger Couples" by Barrie Thompson. It addresses the differing needs and neurology of both people and has useful exercises for bridging the gap, communicating with understanding. Very positive, very helpful. Very sane.

Thank you everyone for your kind comments. My pulse is down, heart rate back to normal.

I'll check out that book "Counseling for Asperger Couples" if this nonrelationship is still going in a couple of weeks. The one thing I have learned since yesterday is that the libraries in my area have a limited supply of material on this particular topic.

Well, it's kind of true that you can't change an aspie, but you can ask him to change for you. (Note the difference; he won't change because you want to, he'll change because he want to.) Considering him being (from my point of view. ^^) older, and an aspie he might have some strage rutines. Success is in direct proportion to how you phrase things.

That about "small things can make them explode" is not quite true either, it's mostly a very large pile of annoying things we are trying to contain (we might not even know exactly what it is), and when someone starts adding fuel to that, it's bound to explode/steam over, mostly because we tend to try and avoid an outburst for as long as possible without having people notice.

And always remeber that people who are writing books does that because what they have to say is rare.

Hope you and you unicorn can work things out.

Yeah, same here. We even tried getting it through inter-library loan and got nowhere. It's an expensive book, so I hope you can find a copy to look at, but on the bright side if you buy it and it doesn't work for you, you can donate it to the library, get the tax write-off, and help somebody else in a 'mixed' neurology relationship.

It's all good {{smack me}}