Don't ask-Don't tell

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I had a chance encounter with this girl back in April that turned into a relationship that's been going on ever since.

It has its ups & downs like anyone else, but she says that she wants to have a life with me. She'd even like to have kids, but with what I've gone through dealing with AS, I don't know if I'd want to inflict this on another person. I'd like to think that even if we did have kids with AS, knowing what I do that maybe I could help them, but IDK how realistic that is.

I feel like I should tell her the truth, but "truth" is not "full disclosure"

Just because you have AS does not mean any children you produce will have it, too.

My daughter is as neurotypical as a girl can get.

I functioned in this world for 45 years without even knowing I had it. Its not some sort of death sentence or hideously deforming birth defect. Yes, your experiences would certainly give you greater understanding in dealing with kids on the spectrum, but in any case, fretting over whether or not your offspring might be doomed to have Asperger Syndrome is no better than the people who want an in utero test so they can abort any fetus that might be infected. 'Inflict it on another person', indeed. I don't know about you, but I am not a disease.

As for disclosure, you've been seeing this person long enough to talk about a long term future, and you've never mentioned it yet? How close can you be?

Shadow =.= Let me tell you something. There are multiple reasons one can develop ASD, i know of mostly 2 atm, but feel free to tell me if you find more. The first is obviously genetics, where the gene gets passed on. The second is "environmental", it is not in the genetics of your family, it could be caused by an accident (in my case it was lack of oxygen to the brain during birth, born with ADD from the start) and from what i know it is NOT passed on unless a mutation occurs and you acquire the gene.

You remember your own birth?

AS is not 'developed'. Its genetic. Environmental! Poppycock!

You claim to be 47. If so, you went a lot of years without the slightest suspicion you were anything but 'weird'. Not that couldn't have been a burden. But, the point is that you got through it somehow without knowing anything about it.

I have a son who either has AS or has learned a lot of the mannerisms from me. I suspect the former, rather than the latter, but I can't totally discount it. It was a huge relief to him when we talked about it and I pointed him to this site. For us, at least, it makes a huge difference knowing that we are not totally alone, there are others who are at least a little like us. And that goes a long way towards alleviating a lot of the problems that AS can cause.

And it isn't even certain that your children will be on the spectrum. But, if you do, you are in a unique position to maximize their potential and put them on the road to be happy individuals. And there is nothing more than a parent could want.

I was careening into my 50s before I was diagnosed. Supposedly Asperger's notes were not translated until after his death, which is why AS was not well known until fairly recently. That being said, I've always been a half step out of sinc with the people around me.

AS is not a life threatening condition by any stretch of the imagination, but it is a life complicating one. As far as the cause people can blame their parents (on which we blame all our shortcomings) our peers (from which we learn the subtleties of cruelty as children) or the environment.

Since the girl I met has some fairly significant health problems of her own I fell that having kids is something that bears careful consideration, but this would be true in any case. I have mentioned the AS to her in general terms, but it's not the kind of thing you can just drop on someone. I tried telling another friend, and from his condition, you'd have thought I told them I had cancer or something. So in conversation with my friends how I bring this up as well as when, where, and with whom all bear some thought to avoid any misunderstanding.

Even if any of your kids do end up with AS, you knowing what to look for and knowing what they do need help with from the beginning has already given them a huge advantage. As far as disclosure, if you want a life with this girl or even just a long relationship, get it out now. If you guys are thinking serious at all this isn't something you want to hide and have to tell her about after a meltdown or something awkward like that.

Just do whatever you feel is right.

That special thing called "love" helps a person accept another person including their faults/problems. Its that way for everyone. Go for it.

FWIW, AS in my family seems to be skipping a generation.

My parents were NT. One grandparent was AS.

One aunt and uncle were AS. Uncle had no kids. Aunt was so so so AS she never married even though she looks like Elizabeth Taylor. (Everyone in my family is good looking.)

Another aunt was NT and yet her kid (my cousin) is AS. Her other child was NT. She got married and her kid (my second cousin) is AS.

My brother (NT) just had a baby!! !! The kid will probably be AS. I'm fairly courious to find out. (How morbid is that, eh?)

Don't worry about your kids.

As for dragging someone else into your difficult life... what difficulties exactly? At your age you've adapted very well to life with AS, haven't you. I isn't a problem any more, is it? It was a problem back when you were younger when you had no idea why you were so different. Besides, this notion of not inconveniencing others at any cost is an AS trait as far as I know.

Wouldn't worry about your kids, they'll wind up fine. In my family, I'm told I most resemble a very distant uncle in terms of personality. As for the girl you're with, she's already figured you out and pretty much has said she wouldn't mind have a smaller version of you, at least to herself.