Tradeoffs and Dealbreakers?

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Having never dated, but now suddenly find myself at least biologically desiring companionship, I look upon the problem in a rather broad manner.

For instance, there is the issue of Tradeoffs. That is, one thing that can be a benefit, but that is not possible with the other option, while the other option provides a benefit that is not available with being single.

Tradeoff issue #1: Benefit: You have someone sharing your time, and perhaps your living space. Downside (Tradeoff): That person will likely demand your time/attention, and likely object when you choose to engage in a favored hobby (like computer or TV time) rather than either doing chores or paying attention to them.

Tradeoff Issue #2: Downside to #1 (b): Your time is taken up by the other person. If you have other friends you may not get to see them as often.

Tradeoff Issue #3: As single, you can do what you want when you want, within the bounds of your finances and ambitions of course. Downside when partnered: Usually you have to compromise about where to go and what to do. Depending on the partner, you might NEVER get to go where you want or do what you want.

And then there's the dealbreakers. Oh god the dealbreakers. Not just for the other person, but for you as well.

Sample dealbreakers:

-The other person is so ideologically/religiously different that these differences would cause strife in the relationship and they both know it.

-one person is markedly more quiet and uncommunicative while the other is the opposite. If one person is very communicative, they will likely get frustrated that the other person won't communicate, and the quiet one will likely become frustrated that the communicative one may be trying to pry or communicate too much for their comfort zone.

-one person is sterilized, but the other wants kids. Or one person just doesn't want kids while the other one does.

-one person wants to change the other person

-one person has such an intense dislike for one of the other person's hobbies that they throw a fit and try to repress the other person's enjoyment of said hobby.

-one person is a selfish, narcissistic attention whore

and perhaps the biggest dealbreakers of all:

-one is blatantly abusive

-NOTHING IN COMMON

I only have a few deal breakers, but IMO they are pretty big.

1. Must be totally honest. If I feel you lie to me at all its off.

2. No smokers/ drug users. Social drinking is OK.

3. I don't want kids. She must either not want kids or have kids that are grown and out of the house.

Everything else I feel can be worked out.

Myself, I'm ambivalent about the whole having kids thing. Tradeoffs, you know. I'm 36 and thus in a few years it'll all be moot anyway, and if I don't find a mate I can just run out the clock. I'm leaving it to fate/chance.

If that's all you need, why in God's name are you even entertaining the idea of a long-term relationship? You need a 'friends-with-'benefits' situation - a f***buddy. They're the best arrangements anyone ever thought of. Just don't let anyone sleep over in your home - sometimes they get too comfortable and you can't get rid of them.

"Get dressed and get out" that's my motto

All the bad things you listed are TRUE and REAL. Avoid at all costs.

the whole "friends with benefits" situation isn't true companionship, though... Perhaps it would be if people took the term "friend" to have the same deep meaning that I see it to have, but that's just not the case...

I have had relationships of that category which were deep, long-lasting friendships and some that were simply superficial. It's a wide world, with lots of possibilities, if you're open to them. Not everybody is suited to such an arrangement, but IMHO, it's one ideal for the Aspie brain.

Committed long-term 'companionship' is not. That's how you discover to your agonizing chagrin just how much company is too much. To each his/her own. Just don't say you were never warned.

That's an idea, but unfortunately for my situation, it's a very bad idea. Might be a good idea for any other person though, but let me just go through the reasons why:

-In this town? I can't even get a male friend, let alone an f-buddy. For some reason every male I ran into in real life took an instant dislike to me.

-assuming I could get an f-buddy, I would become attached to them. That would be BAD. I do NOT want to turn into the proverbial 'crazy b***h that wants more'.

-I have a physical condition that prevents doing what it is that f-buddies do. And there's 0 point in fixing that unless I have a prospect of a relationship.

A dealbreaker is asking for more than she puts in.

If you find the right person for you, you won't have to worry so much about these things. I know...easier said than done....

A few thoughts:

Dealbreakers. I think as you get older you get less prepared to settle for just anyone, so the number of things you consider a dealbreaker likely increase. Paradoxically some people get older and get desperate and do settle for anyone.

And friends with benefits, maybe we should start calling it a relationship without drawbacks.


john

Agreed. I had a FWB reltionship with someone for a few years. One of the best reltionships I ever had. We had a good friendship and cared about each other that way in addition to the benefits. I felt it was a true friendship.

When we first met she told me upfront that it would be a FWB thing and she would never feel anything more then that. With her being so upfront and honest and no mixed signals was very refreshing.

Beggars can be choosers. I may have been alone my whole life thus far but I certainly have certain deal breakers and criteria girls need to measure up to. I will list what I would never tolerate.

-Drug users and alcoholics. I would also very much prefer a non-smoker. I would only settle for a smoker under "special" circumstances.
-Those with children
-Those who are whores
-Those with any criminal record(s)
-Those who have no class (like those who swear all the time and are just plain ignorant and lazy).
-Those who don't work and live off the state because of pure laziness (for those who are truly disabled and can't work I wouldn't penalize).
-Those who are narcissistic
-Those who are liars, and deceitful. They have to be honest with me.

Really, all I want is a nice, decent girl who has values. That's not so hard to ask for. Well, in this messed up world today, maybe it is.

Very good deal-breakers, Homer_Bob!

Here are my must-haves:

Must be Christian
Must like the Simpsons and South Park
Must be an Aspie
Must have either conservative or libertarian political views
Must have a high sex drive, and not waiting until marriage
Must want to start a family

My nonboyfriend is starting to get on my nerves over one thing and it IS a dealbreaker. He flips out if I do anything that in his mind is dangerous.

Here is the challenge:

He's a low functioning aspie. His social skills aren't the best. I can see that he has lots of fears and he hates to leave the neighborhood. I am sure that he has had some bad experiences in the past and he is identifying his fears with my actions.

I'm an adventurer. I'm not kidding. I climb mountains and cliffs. I do so without a PLB and a cell phone. I take unbelievable risks. I get paid for what I do. It's how I earn my income and pay my bills.

Nonboyfriend has a a bit of a hissy fit if I leave my house after dark. he thinks the boogeyman is going to get me. The hot summer is over and I am planning my first post-summer ascent. I am wondering whether I should even tell him about it because I don't need the drama.

Clearly we need to have a discussion about this.

I think most of our issues are dependent on the definition of the word "friend". The commonly-accepted definition of a friend in the NT world is pretty much anyone you see on a semi-regular basis and have contact info for. By that definition i have hundreds of friends, mostly at my church with a few at school and other places...

On the other hand, my preferred definition of "friend" is a lot deeper than that... someone I can put complete trust in, that won't judge me for any reason (although cracking jokes/ripping on someone is okay if it's not taken seriously), and that I've known for a considerable amount of time. This has brought me into conflict with some other people before, in that someone I knew thought that we were friends, and yet I didn't see it that way because of the difference in definitions... As such, the number of friends I have according to my personal definition is only about 3 or 4 outside my family...

This definition that I follow makes the whole "friends with benefits" concept a little weird and vague, since I would see FWB is being synonymous with an actual relationship... And seeing as how I would never get that physically close to someone that I didn't completely trust and feel comfortable with, a physical relationship with anyone other than a friend (in other words, the commonly accepted definition of FWB) would just be impossible for me to do, hence my need for a real relationship...

I have to say thougn, aside from all the non-tangible qualities, appearances do matter.