Advice!?

Post Reply New Topic

My fiance has aspergers and OCD and I just need some advice. We've been fighting so much lately and it's driving me nuts. It's always the stupidest things too. I really don't understand a lot of things with him. I don't know what I'm suppose to do and to be honest I don't even know what to say here. I'm not use to this kind of thing. Like his routines and stuff...I'm gonna be living with him as a family, so what can I do. I love him with everything I have, but everything I do is wrong. I honestly do feel like I can't do anything. I hate the feeling of "is the next thing out of my mouth going to cause a fight." I always feel like I'm going to say or do something bad constantly. I try to understand, I really do. One minute things are so great between and we're so happy, then I blink and he's depressed. A lot of times I feel like I'm not good enough to support him and make him happy. I just can't take all the fighting between us. It hurts so much, and we end up saying crazy stuff that we never mean. It's so unhealthy for us and I don't know what to do. I find myself crying to myself because I just don't know how to handle it. Do I just walk away and keep my mouth shut? I want to help, but I don't know how. He's my whole life and my future. How can you love someone so much and not know how to help them. That makes me feel like the most horrible person. I feel like I fail him :/ Can someone just help me out here? I need some advice.
I can't continue to be useless to the man I love more than anything

You are walking on eggshells around this man. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? He's controlling you through his anger, whether he is doing this consciously or not.

Since none of us know you or him, the only thing I can suggest is couples counseling for both of you, and independent counseling for you so that you can figure out why you say things you don't mean and why you are drawn to this man and this type of relationship.

By the way, it is not your job to be useful or useless to the man you love. He is in charge of his feelings, his personality challenges and his depression. If he isn't interested in making positive changes and managing his feelings then there won't be too much you can do about things.

Someone wrote a book about eggshells, I haven't read it but it is out there for people living with people with BPD.

http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggs ... 157224108X

Hello Granite, I'm her fiance.

I think It's a particularly interesting theory that you have there. I have Aspergers Syndrome and severe levels of OCD. I was professionally diagnosed at 10 years old and went through years of psychological therapy. Surely If I had a BDP then inevitably someone would have picked up on it, right?

I love this girl, I always have and I always shall so I really don't appreciate you giving her an entire psyc 101 on how I'm apparently such a derogatory man when you don't even know me. Yeah, I am in charge of my feelings. You're definitely right about that but she hasn't stated at any point that I'm abusive, has she? I didn't think so.

I suggest you review the post you've just published, It's very presumptious and I feel somewhat insulted by what you've said about me.

Regards,

MC

Your girlfriend has asked for help.

I'm more than a little concerned that you are monitoring her computer activities.

Please get some help.

Many couples join WrongPlanet together to discuss and work through their issues. It does not necessarily follow that they are 'monitoring' each other. Couples often do things together.

We have a thread for couples called The Married Aspie Cafe Thread (discussion of marriage, etc.) http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt29793.html that might be benificial to both of you. Read through the thread, perhaps you can find something that relates to your situation? Of course, post and discuss with other couple members that have worked through their issues with the help of those that have been through the same things.

and Welcome to WP!

Welcome to WP!

Actually, my fiance informed me that she'd made a post on here and asked me to check to see whether It was appropriate to our current short-term issues. I simply nodded my head in approval.

Once again though, you're being presumptious Granite.

Thanks for the links sinsboldly, we'll both definitely check them out!

Regards

^THIS

EDIT: Perhaps I jumped the gun but the OP's bf has anger issues

Yes.

Being miserable and walking on eggshells is no way to go through a relationship. As they say, time heals all wounds.

For some reason, you have a deep attachment to this guy (it could be you, he could be the greatest thing on earth, etc.).

But take a break. You'll want to go back. He'll want to reflect. At some point later, you two may/should come back and talk. But you can't be objective and think clearly where you are at.

I'd very much like to provide readers with some background information into what I think has possibly triggered our current predicament.

We both met over the Internet 9 months ago (I realize that long-distance relationships aren't everyones favorite thing so I'm expecting some form of criticism to be thrown our way.)

We met over a Skype conference and to cut a long story short, we took things very fast. She dated alot of people over the Internet before she met me. I soon learned that she was known for having a fierce temper (which I discovered during our first argument).
I caught on after a couple of months that something was out of place, the woman in the pictures she claimed were her.. didn't match the same girl in some of the other shot's I'd been sent. I decided to not bother with it at first until It just seemed to eat away at me gradually.. so I eventually felt inclined to pursue in a little detective work. I found numerous pieces of evidence implicating her in a lie that she'd been telling me all along in regards to her physical appearance. I was quite frustrated at the time and felt very deceived because I was beginning to fall in love with her. I'd funded things for her, valentines gifts.. I'd even purchased her a brand new laptop through my good will and affection for her. I didn't really understand why she lied to me until we both participated in a serious discussion regarding it all. I soon found out that she's infact a large woman, and has extremely low self-esteem and confidence and has been bullied for it through school and through her teenage life. I forgave her and things progressed well, she began sending photographs of herself (legitimate ones) and my happiness and faith in her began to restore itself. I was content with knowing that she came clean to me about it and revealed the truth. Regardless of her size, I have always.. and will always view her as beautiful. I've told her this myself so many times. Initially, she didn't believe it.. she couldn't because she'd never really experienced compliments and good criticism before. Which I understood perfectly, but I perceivered and maintained working on it. When we used to argue, I'd often feel too afraid to express to her how I feel or the things she does on a regular basis that upset me. So when her mouth ran off I'd often hang-up on her or just sit around for an hour or so and sob. I told her about my Aspergers, echolalia, OCD and the rest of my disorders.. and she was subtle about it. I began to feel a little like I was distancing myself though because I too have faced torment and verbal abuse my entire life. I've been the prime source of mockery at everyone elses expense for aslong as I can remember.

It's always been natural for me to feel like the entire world is against me. I have difficulties with trusting that people care or people are actually listen to me. I've felt like a screaming voice that's muted for such a long time, or just blatantly ignored.

Over the past 5 months It seems that many dramatic scenarios have transpired. Including her socializing with friends more and beginning to feel more accepted by the society that surrounds her due to the hope and love that I've gave her. The belief that I've provided her with in herself.

The problem is, during times of socializing with these friends she's returned to me with stories involving two of her friends.. who got drunk together, and then stripped entirely naked and began prancing around whilst my girlfriend was just sat on the couch. Feeling awkward, I accept the fact that she had a little to drink and she's very timid so she struggles around people. But I've never been able to come to terms with the fact that she didn't walk away, she didn't stand up and say "I'm in-love and happily engaged to someone, you're insulting me by doing what you're doing." To some extent it still fills me with partial anger. She broke off contact with one of the friends (who was the other friends boyfriend) and refuses to maintain a friendship with him.

But I've began to feel a little controlling and am constantly advising her to not socialize with friends because things like this tend to happen. I know being controlling in a relationship is generally wrong but the majority of the time I can't help but feel protective. I persuade her to not hang around with these people because they take advantage of her softness and low confidence because she's a large frame.

What do I do? do I allow her to keep spending time with these fakely portrayed friends? do I sit back and just say "Well It's entirely fine. I'll allow these people to feel like they have a higher authority than the girl I love with my heart and soul. I'll allow them to just walk all over her." Honestly, I'm at a complete loss. I have become faced with constant depression because of events like this taking place.

Do I set her free because I really can't do anything to change the way she takes my feelings into consideration? I really don't want to but I feel sometimes like I have to.

We play poker using FaceBooks Texas hold'em application quite often. A man who she sees as a friend threw a sexual innuendo at her in order to trigger my upset. I then find myself losing my temper over it and having a typical Aspie meltdown which she fails to understand. I requested kindly that she stopped communication with the individual who she'd just met and calls a "friend" in order to respect my upset with the matter. Now there's all of this "Well I feel like I can't do anything right. I can't do anything at all." lurking around her head and It saddens me.

Is this all honestly a typical autism/neurotypical conflict constantly?

Over the past few months my anger seems to be becoming out of control, have I turned this way due to her past indiscretions?

I'm so confused with everything. I feel suicidal and like I don't know where to turn most of the time.

I'm hopefully going to be gaining employment at a bakery in a couple of weeks so I can afford all of the critical credentials so that either I can move there, or she can move here and we can both marry. But this fighting makes me scared.

I have a very addictive personality, as does she and we just both want to make this work so much. We both want to spend the rest of our days together. I love her, I honestly can't imagine myself with anyone else nor do I want to.

If anyone's gonna give me the whole "Well you're stupid for engaging in a long distance relationship." then save it.

It's no ones right to dictate my feelings or my emotions. I am very, deeply in love with this girl and my determination for wanting to fix all of our recently emerging problems has never been higher.

I'd really appreciate advice from other aspies or neurotypicals just to help aid me in an understanding of what you see to be going on.

We both love eachother so much and aren't willing to quit what we have, at all. Just to make it abundantly clear.

But we do wish to bring the arguing to a halt and regain peace and calmness and really to just.. understand eachother more.

I need to understand her neurotypical level of thinking and she needs to understand my autistic needs but we just don't really know how to convey these things to one another.

Thanks for reading.

How controlling are you? How manipulative can you be? How much do you care about her friends?

The point to the above questions are if you are capable, you can make her do whatever you want her to do. From what you're saying, she'll latch on to you just as readily as her friends.

Morally, do you want to go there?

Been there, done that. Worked out well (for them).

Okay, with this ground rule in place you have a couple of options. You can wimp out and suck up the entire ordeal on her terms, stumbling along to nirvana if you're lucky. You can take control and direct the relationship fully (see above questions). Or you can reset things and hope things come around for the better.

When I suggested to "walk away" it does not necessarily mean permanently. A break can be good PLUS it can be a piece of leverage if you want to go the manipulative route.