Why...?

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Rhapsody
Deinonychus

Joined: 3 Sep 2009
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15 Sep 2009, 12:33 am

So, ever since I got to my university I’ve been hanging out with a different sort of crowd than I used to. The other girls I hang out with actually do like…the girly things you see people do during sleepovers on like movies and stuff. I don’t see the point in painting your nails or doing your hair, but the thing that puzzles me the most is when they go on and on about different boys. Like when we’re walking they’ll point out guys that are cute, I just sort of smile and nod because I honestly don’t care.

Earlier today my roommate rushed in and exclaimed she’d just seen our friend’s crush in the hall without a shirt (it seems to be a strangely common occurrence) which caused my friend to squeal excitedly and then debate whether or not it was worth going to say hello to him. And then she started talking about all these other guys, and the others chimed in about the guys they liked and I just sort of sat there and tried to pretend I knew what was going on.

Since I seem to so obviously be missing something, perhaps you guys can help me out here? I can’t ask my friends. I don’t want to listen to them squeal about boys again today, and besides, they weren’t much help when I asked them about why/how they flirt with people. Why do people do this? Get all excited about boys and stuff? They’re just boys…they’re half the population, it’s not like they’re aliens. And then of course my friends start talking about relationships. Why do people want romantic relationships? I don’t understand.

I also read about a lot of people here frustrated because they can’t find a romantic relationship and I always wonder why they even wanted one in the first place. The concept of a romantic relationship is beautiful from what I’ve seen and read, but like an abstract art I don’t know what to think of it exactly. It confuses me. Perhaps you guys can help make it a little more concrete by giving me your takes on them?

Roman
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15 Sep 2009, 12:44 am

Really, so the girls actually talk about boys? I really thought they forgotten about them, judging by how they never pay attention to me. So do you think the girls who totally ignore me actually DON"T ignore me at all and simply laugh between themselves on how totally repulsive I am? If so, why not walk to me and tell it to my face honestly.

As far as the question you asked at a last paragraph, the reason I want a romantic relationship is mainly to make sure I am not inferior to all others who do. I don't care about sex (in fact I don't believe in sex before marriage), ALL I want is not to feel inferior. Yet, everyone assumes that since I am desperate I am sex obsessed and don't give me a chance.

At the same time, look at how they goof around about guys. So, they have time for some goofing around where no desperation is involved; yet they don't have time to save someone who is desperate to be normal.

Witch
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15 Sep 2009, 1:20 am

I suppose it's like going to a strip bar for the guys. You get to see the parts that're covered in public.

It may be the fantasy aspect. Guy has his shirt off, th e mind starts wandering into a fantasy where the romance happens and they imagine the guy naked. A bit of a turn on for most women.

But then again I'm probably entirely incorrect in that assumption.

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ToadOfSteel
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15 Sep 2009, 1:30 am

Rhapsody wrote:

Since I seem to so obviously be missing something, perhaps you guys can help me out here? I can’t ask my friends. I don’t want to listen to them squeal about boys again today, and besides, they weren’t much help when I asked them about why/how they flirt with people. Why do people do this? Get all excited about boys and stuff? They’re just boys…they’re half the population, it’s not like they’re aliens. And then of course my friends start talking about relationships. Why do people want romantic relationships? I don’t understand.

So the male population seems normal to you instead of "alien", and you can't understand a thing about women? Welcome to the life of the average man... we over here on the male side of the line have been asking these questions about women since time immemorial...

If you ever do change your mind and decide to pursue a relationship (not saying you should unless you feel comfortable about it; just saying in case you ever do), rest assured that you have a huge leg up on other women, since men will all be like "finally, a woman I can understand" or "she's not dragging me to that stupid party" or other similar remarks... Okay, maybe not all men, but if you hit up the library that's where such men would be...

Quote:

I also read about a lot of people here frustrated because they can’t find a romantic relationship and I always wonder why they even wanted one in the first place. The concept of a romantic relationship is beautiful from what I’ve seen and read, but like an abstract art I don’t know what to think of it exactly. It confuses me. Perhaps you guys can help make it a little more concrete by giving me your takes on them?

Well, "romantic" is by definition an abstract word, having a different meaning to each person... I see romance as a form of love (another abstract term) that has sexual connotations. In turn, I define love as "putting someone else above yourself"... It could be love for family, friends, sexual partners (see above), or even other simpler things like food (i.e. somebody "loves" ice cream such that they would eat it even though it's unhealthy)...

In the end, you're going to have to define what love and romance mean to you by yourself... nobody is going to be able to do that for you... We can help you, but we can't do it for you...

Seanmw
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15 Sep 2009, 2:47 am

Rhapsody wrote:

tough to give a concrete explanation about something so fluid and erratic.

i want a romantic relationship. not that i can't find one though lol. i've had attractive offers.
retaining one might be a different story. and i have my own reasons for not pursuing one right now. mostly lack of transportation and a jab. though i may get a job soon so who knows.

the reasons i want one?
1.) quite frankly, i'm lonely, i'd like the company
2.) well physical relations, duhh haha
3.) i have low self-esteem, it's a selfish reason, but knowing someone's willing to be with me makes me feel good about myself
4.) i want more than just friendship, there are some levels of care, love, & appreciation that aren't appropriate for such a situation and i want to be able to comfortably show all of it.
5.) i imagine someday i want to have kids. sorta hard to have them legitimately without a relationship lol
6.) and prolly many more reasons if i took the time to think on it from all angles

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Hector
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15 Sep 2009, 3:22 am

Rhapsody wrote:

Three reasons, off the top of my head, on why I want a relationship with a woman:

1. I'd ultimately like to have and raise children. I think for a lot of people this may be instinctive, the drive to go keep the genetic line going. I really didn't want children until I was sixteen, then I thought "hey, I'm not going to live forever, what about my life legacy?" and started changing my mind.
2. I'm attracted to many women and would like to be close to one I'm attracted to. This includes, but is not necessarily limited to, sex. So being a sperm donor would not be sufficient, even though it would satisfy reason number one.
3. It feels good thinking that you have someone committed to you. I don't have any relationship experience, but I've mistakenedly convinced myself of this a couple of times in the past and it felt nice while it lasted. So I don't think I could cope in a relationship of any kind with someone who was polyamorous.

Aimless
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15 Sep 2009, 5:23 am

ToadofSteel wrote:

Quote:

Maybe there should be a thread where we ask each other questions. Women are baffled by men too. As to the OP's curiosity, I think it's all about the NT and the youth. Older women don't go on like that.

Janissy
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15 Sep 2009, 7:07 am

Witch wrote:

You are entirely correct. That is exactly the appeal.

Janissy
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15 Sep 2009, 7:52 am

What you are seeing is sexual attraction. If you don't experience sexual attraction, an intellectual explanation of it won't make much sense because it's not an intellectual phenomenon- it's a physical one.

Why did she want to go out and see the boy she's crushing on without a shirt? Because she's sexually attracted to him and, like Witch said, wants to see his body. She desperately wants to see his body. The reason why she debated whether or not she should go into the hallway is not because she was debating whether or not she wanted to see him like that (she does), but because she was debating whether doing so would make her appear desperate and needy, which are turnoffs and which would jeopardize her chances with him if that's how she appeared.

The flirting, the crushes, all the inexplicable phenomena which don't make sense to you are manifestations of sexual attraction. They are caused by hormones. If you do not have these feelings, watching other people act on feelings you haven't experioenced will not make sense. If you ever do have these feelings, you will understand.

Romantic relationships are not abtract. They are a mutual sexual attraction embedded within a more global mutual attraction that two people have towards each other. Without the sexual attraction, there is no romance. Without the global attraction, there is no relationship.

Rhapsody
Deinonychus

Joined: 3 Sep 2009
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Posts: 332

15 Sep 2009, 11:53 am

ToadOfSteel wrote:

In the end, you're going to have to define what love and romance mean to you by yourself... nobody is going to be able to do that for you... We can help you, but we can't do it for you...

I understand.

Thank you all. I think it makes a little more sense now. At least why people want them does anyway. Though the whole unable to define with logic still kinda throws me off, but I guess it’s just something I’ll have to mull over.

Roman wrote:

Of course we do. If we only talked about cupcakes and hair care products we’d run out of material really fast. :wink:

I really wouldn’t know the answer to your question though. I’ve never heard my friends be particularly mean about, or ignore anyone (no matter how annoying or creepy they’re being) and they’re the only examples I have. I’m sorry.

Aimless wrote:

That’s a really good idea!
And I’m so glad to hear you say that.

Janissy wrote:

What you are seeing is sexual attraction. If you don't experience sexual attraction, an intellectual explanation of it won't make much sense because it's not an intellectual phenomenon- it's a physical one.

The flirting, the crushes, all the inexplicable phenomena which don't make sense to you are manifestations of sexual attraction. They are caused by hormones. If you do not have these feelings, watching other people act on feelings you haven't experienced will not make sense. If you ever do have these feelings, you will understand.

Romantic relationships are not abstract. They are a mutual sexual attraction embedded within a more global mutual attraction that two people have towards each other. Without the sexual attraction, there is no romance. Without the global attraction, there is no relationship.

Okay, so it isn’t something I’m missing (well, perhaps it is, but…eh). Thank you so much. This explanation really helped me. Now I know why it wasn't making much sense to begin with.

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