Am I gay?

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When I was 13 I fell for a girl at my school. After that I always looked at girls, thought about them, wanted them. I had a fling with an old friend and a proper relationship with an older girl. But in between all this I had boyfriends. Since I was 16 I have been exclusively with men, in two different long-term relationships. The latest has been going on for 3 years. It has been stormy and dramatic. We have a lot in common, I suspect he's also an aspie and he's the only person that has ever understood me. We've been through a lot and come out the other side closer but lately I'm becoming more and more fixated on the idea of being with a woman again. To make matters more complicated, being overweight (not unattractive though, I have a pretty face and a certain quirky style) makes it difficult to meet people in a romantic way, people just don't think of me like that.

Intellectually I'm attracted to both sexes but fundamentally, in that primal sense that people mean when they talk about sexuality, I like women. I have always looked at girls when I'm out and about, to the point where I have been caught staring on several embarassing occasions, and I'm getting worse and worse. I imagine being with a kind, soft, sweet girl who makes me feel safe and loved. I'm so confused. I don't know what I want and even if I decide I do want what I think I want, it'll be so messy and scary and upsetting. I don't know what to do.


BTW I have no moral issue with being gay, my family already know and I'm totally unashamed of it. Just unsure and scared.

It sounds like a real cop-out answer, but the only person who can give you an identity/label is you.

I used to joke with my ex-girlfriend when she was struggling with the same sort of thing that I would love her even if her sexuality was "grapefruit." While labels are helpful in narrowing down the sorts of people one would like in a roommate or partner (non-smoking, intellectually curious, cat-free are some of mine), what is most important is the relationships that you have with the other people.

If you want to date a woman, find one who has similar interests and go for it. No labels, no expectations, just a date, or making out, or sex, or whatever you decide your boundaries are. Same goes for dating guys. And grapefruits (although there are some serious reciprocity and spoilage issues there). Honesty with yourself and others is important.

I try mostly to find an attractive, compatible human being, and that's challenge enough for me before even thinking about genitalia.

It is very possible that an individual's sexuality will change throughout their life. Not many people know this. Search for the name "Kinsey" to find a very famous report about sexuality/developmental/fluidity.

I'm a lesbian who has close male friends. Although I agree that ultimately you're the only one who can say for sure, you sound like a lesbian to me.

Whereas I'm physically repulsed by the very notion of heterosex, I know several lesbians who have been married, were OK with the sex, but in the end found their needs much better met by another woman... physically, emotionally, sexually, psychically.

Kind of like the difference between carob and chocolate... carob is OK, but chocolate is WAY better in my book.

Yes you seem quite lesbian, and really like girls.

well if you find the male and female bodies sexy (that doesnt mean you have to find every girl and guy sexy though lol), you are Bi

but if you are only physically attracted to girls then you are lesbian cos that would mean you only love the mind of some men, like the one you was talking about having similarities, if that love is impossible to turn into lust that either means he isn't a looker or you really are fully lesbo, not a shed of lust for men, physically anyways

Thank you I loved this reply, you have a lovely tone to the way you phrase things. I know of course that labels are for apples and it doesn't matter what I call myself. I'm more concerned about accurately ascertaining what I feel and want and getting it. I do want a woman - sexually, I know that for a fact - but I have never been in an adult relationship with one and it's possible I'm just thinking the grass is greener, as the man I have been with for the last 3 years is very critical, angry and selfish (he has positive qualities obviously but these are the big negative ones that have caused me heartache over the years). I know that women can be all those things too but the kind of woman I imagine being with would be nurturing and calm and giving. I'm scared to take the leap because a) it won't be easy for me to find someone unless I lose a lot of weight (which I'm working on but it's going to be a while) and b) it may turn out that all relationships are f**ked-up, regardless of who they're with, and I will have thrown away what I have now.

It's not just the gentalia - girls are soft with curves and small hands and lovely hair. They have a different way of thinking and have lived different lives. It's the whole package I want - physically, emotionally and intellectually.




Yes, I'm aware of Kinsey's work. I have always categorised myself as a 4 "predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual" but these days it may be closer to 5.



Yes, I sound like a lesbian to me too - when I read back my post I mean. I have never been repulsed by sex with men, to me it's the intellectual and emotional connection + the mechanical fact that if you touch me there it feels good and that = enjoyable sex. I'm not at all compelled to touch him though. I mean, I do and it's nice in an emotional and intellectual way to see his reactions but I have no need to feel him. I have more of an intense desire to touch random women I see on the bus than my own lover. I think that means I'm gay. I completely agree with the carob and chocolate analogy!

How do you meet girls? Do you go to gay bars? I have been out on the gay scene before and it just isn't my cup of tea (I hate the music, everyone's so gossipy and never has any intellectual discussions) - it all seemed a bit shallow. Maybe I should place an ad?




That I do...




All my adult life I have said I was bisexual but I was just over-simplifying. There's no term for a woman who desires women but enjoys sleeping with men because she tends to get along with them better. It's not that I don't have lust for men at all. I mean, when I saw Spike with his top off in his dream about kissing Buffy I found it very sexy but I think that has more to do with me liking him as a character. My desire for men is warm at best and ice cold at worst whereas my desire for women is burning hot at best and only tepid at worst. I am often attracted to a woman I don't like as a person, just because I like her body or the way she moves or whatever. That never happens with guys, they have to fulfill some fantasy for me to be attracted to them. Isn't this what straight girls feel when they get hot for Angelina?

Female sexuality is much more fluid than male sexuality, and our language for talking about sex is biased toward male inflexibility. You may be gay now, or have been gay at a different point in your life. So long as your emotional needs are met and you treat your romantic partners well, why worry?

Many women identify as gay for part of their lives, as straight for another, perhaps as bi, too, for another portion. That a woman may find her sexuality change as she matures and and changes in other ways is common. It is, frankly, one of the advantages of being female, as far as this male is concerned.

Yep.

It is always tough to weigh reality versus what could happen in the future. It's not very fun to go through life thinking "what if...?" but again it comes down to you to weigh the pros and cons. Anyone in a relationship goes through a similar thing--akin to "window shopping" for a new mate despite being satisfied or happy in their current relationship.

One option would be to talk to a few women you don't know very well and get to know them as people. If something romantic/sexual develops and it's mutual, you could talk honestly to your current partner about wanting to take a break for a little bit. Think about the boundaries you and your current partner have established in your present relationship as far as relationships with other people--do you consider flirting to be "cheating?" Kissing? Sex with another woman but not with a man?

Make a decision and stick with it. Your partner's reaction is entirely up to him, even if he gets angry or upset, and your actions are your responsibility alone as well.

I believe its possible you are Bi. I honestly believe most people are Bi. Wether they admit it or not there are some things people do look for in their own friends to have next to them. Its a mental/psych. thing. Some can be very open to it and many are not. I know I am not very open to it. To some its a matter of opinion.

You're you. Can't change it.
I'm no expert on human sexuality, but I think you should do what makes you happiest in a relationship, and what works best for the other areas of your life.

As for struggling to meet people - join the club! I know what you mean about weight (I'm very self-conscious and shy because of mine, and I have pretty much no confidence), but from your posts you seem like a great person. So just keep on being yourself, make a few new friends, take life at your own pace, and see what works out when you're more relaxed, more settled in your own mind, and you feel ready for it.

Oh, and if something good comes along when you don't expect it - go for it.

(I know the most amazing person who isn't a WP member but might be able to give you some advice on your sexuality. I'll see if I can get you two talking, if you like?)

There are alternatives to the bar scene (oh gag)... I met my partner at a lesbian social group that met once a month for potluck and board games, short hikes, once a year a little dancing and masquerade for Halloween. We've been together 9 years so far.

I've PM'd you with details of how to make connections in your area...
And personal ads are a lousy idea... the male scum comes crawling out of the sub-sewers.

I think I have it all ordered in my head now. I have spoken to my boyfriend again about being with a woman, he has always been open to me doing that and not in an "only if I can watch" sort of way (not that he wouldn't watch if I said he could!) I have made arrangements to visit a friend who is gay, she might advise me and since she's hot who knows? I have also joined a free lesbian dating site and have been messaging some girls - I was shocked at how many pretty girls my size with similar interests are on there! It has been a great self-esteem booster actually! I'm being cautious though, not everyone is who they seem online so we shall see.

Thanks for the PM DonkeyBuster, I shall reply in kind. Thanks the advice everyone. I need to chill about this I think and just let it happen. Silly aspie me was way over-analysing!

Ah, but if you didn't over-analyze, we'd do it for you!
Enjoy the adventure...

You sound more like a bi, with a preference for women.

being "gay" or "lesbian" would mean you would ONLY be into girls, and not men.