Having a girlfriend.

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This is a question for the guys who've had long term girlfriends...long term meaning you dated her for a few months or longer. Is having a girlfriend that big of a deal to begin with? When I was dating a woman (we weren't official but were doing the boyfriend and girlfriend things as far as being intimate, going on dates, hanging out, etc.) it was a whirlwind of emotions for me. Quite frankly, I was depressed and felt inadequate and that life was pointless. I also lost a friend because he tried to make a move on her when her and I were still dating and I still liked her. So is having a girlfriend worth the burden of the arguments, being paranoid that guys (whether friends or random strangers) are hitting on her, promises of forever only to break up eventually, etc.?

I myself like the idea of finding someone I can connect with, who I have a rapport with and can trust and enjoy her company, but does this even exist or are most relationships like the ones I described in the first paragraph?

My first long term gf lasted 5 years. It took me that long to see that I couldn't trust her. I remember once she said she wished I treated her like I treat my cat.

It sounds like more experience would help get over the depression and lack of self-confidence. "Help" is the key word. Experience won't fix everything, so you need to examine yourself and locate the cause of those problems, because the rest of your relationships are likely to be the same, if you change nothing.

I think everyone will be different. I was in a relationship for 4 years. Never once did we argue, never felt any kind of paranoia or burdened.

In fact, it kind of ended because it just turned so casual. We were living together simply for the sex and to have someone to go out to dinner with/be a date to things we were invited to. She was moving away to start her masters degree and we both said there really wasnt any reason to be in a long term relationship and ended it. It started out in high school and was just young puppy love. We had been friends for a while and everyone just expected that we should start dating so we did.

I'm actually glad she moved and it ended cause we both were the content type of people who would have just gone on togther till the day we died. I'm obviously older and much more the wiser to things like passion and companionship and what it can mean to have real feelings for someone.

So I guess what i'm saying is dont judge any relationship possibilities on past ones. They're all going to be different, you just have to learn from them, what you did/didnt like and try it over again =P

Interesting you say this. I have a couple theories, but they are just theories and not concrete answers. I used to have rock-bottom self-esteem and judge myself based on the reactions I seemed to be getting from others, especially females. I thought a lot of random women or co-workers or women in college classes were making fun of me because of the way I looked. I desperately wanted to look like really good looking guy celebrities (I know now this was just overcompensation on my part; wanting to be so good looking that I'd look in the mirror and have a quiet arrogance and wanting to be noticed by women for this hypothetical new appearance) and I viewed myself about a 1 or 2 out of 10 on the 10 scale. Eventually, this among other Asperger related issues, I almost took my life...which was a blessing in disguise because it led to the Asperger diagnosis.

This was 3 years ago. Finally sometime last year, I started to have a change of heart...started to like or at least not mind the way I looked, no longer wished to look like a male celebrity, and didn't think that women were laughing at me, and if they were, it was just isolated incidents that I shouldn't worry about, not something to frown over. This led to meeting the girl I dated around March. That's when all the thoughts started to come back...not the looks thing, but the feeling like life is pointless, that I was a burden on her. Almost kind of like Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting when with Minnie Driver, only with a more implosive, suicidal undertone. As soon as I stopped seeing her, it disappeared.

Why it takes women or a woman to bring out this side of me, I have a theory, but like I said, it's just a theory. Even at my most depressed, I wanted a rapport with a woman. I've had this idea in my head of a good relationship and how it would make the bad parts of life better. So when her and I started arguing, it ruined my dream, my fantasy of sorts. Why it leads me to thinking life is pointless and on the verge of wanting to die, I have no idea. I haven't had those thoughts since. I've had a couple bad days like anyone else with Aspergers or depression, but nothing like when I was seeing her.

Btw, I am on medication...Prozac to be exact for the depression...so it isn't like I'm walking around untreated. It was working until I met her, and has worked since we split up.

Seven years was the longest, the next longest was three. It was not that big of a deal. When you're not with someone, you wonder what you're missing as everyone (e.g. society) is with someone.

It *may* be a big deal if you find someone to connect with, but I haven't found that someone.



Good luck. This is a huge challenge. I have no trust issues (explicitly) but the rapport portion is the hardest part.