Is this inappropriate

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Hi all,

I am 41 and my husband is 47 and we have been married for 12 years and together for over 17. I know it sounds like I shouldn't have to ask what I'm about to but I never know if what I am thinking is reasonable or not.

Just over 18months ago we pulled up stumps and moved 7 hours drive away from our home. We did this because the area we moved to is known as being environmentally clean, it is much cooler and it has a good alturnative school for our 2 ASDian sons to go to. The school has many "hippy" type families that pride themselves on being "community minded" My husband plays the game somewhat better than I do as I have a chronic pain condition and am just not a social person and have no wish to be. Chit chat drives me nuts To a certain extent my husband is more out there than I am but he cannot seem to read people so well. He is also very practically minded and people are always asking him to help out or build this or that or fix this or that. He also finds it hard to say NO to people

Anyway there is a single mother that lives 2 houses down the street from us. Her children attend the same school as our kids and she is very into helping out in the school community. She does not seem to have any extended family or outside help but her kids are at their dads most weekends. I kind of feel sorry for her as I think she is quite lonely. When we first moved here she constantly invitied our whole famly to her place for different things but we never accepted.

She talks to my husband more than she does to me as he is around more and far more approachable. She is constantly ringing or approaching my husband to do favours or lend her tools or household items, jumpstart her car, fix her bike....... all that sort of stuff. I am very laid back and usually I don't mind my husband helping people out, but just recently I have started to think she is getting a bit over the top. Also she seems to be getting more and more insistant.......... like we owe her or something. After approaching my husband with a mindless request more recently I have become a bit more suspicious of her intentions.

I am very open and honest and I can get a laugh out of almost anything. The whole situation has become a running joke between my husband and I. Last weekend there was a "spring has sprung" function/dance on at the school and we as usual had no intention of going...... most people realise this and accept that we are not into socialising. This lady then....... I feel deliberatly, told our youngest son all about it and that her and her children would be going. Of course he wanted to go and cryed when we said NO. This made me angry as we have told her before not to say too much infront of our kids. My son got over this eventually and then went to play with another neigbours children. The first woman and her children were also there and my son (not one to take No for an answer)asked the woman if he could go with them as we were not going. Apparently she told my son (he can recall what people say verbatim) that she could not take him becuse all the children had to go with their own parents. Also that he should ask his dad very nicely if he could take him, that his mum (me) did not have to come if she didn't want to. I told my husband and we laughed and joked for a couple of hours about what her intentions might be in saying what she said.

Then on Monday this woman told my husband that she was going to move out of her rental as the owners had sold the property. She thought she would move to a near by seaside location. When my husband told me I said I bet she asks you to help her move now. We came up with a plan that my husband would tell her he had to work if she asked.

Tuesday she did ask my husband and he told her he had to work. Then she started to plead with him to do it on another day, (it would have to be a week day)....... So he eventually he said Yes. This means that they will be alone together driving back and forth in my car and trailer, and at the new home, as the children will be at school. I don't want him to help her with this. AM I BEING UNRESONABLE OR PARANOID

I saw her at the school today while picking up my kids and I avoided her. I wanted to say that my husband would not be helping her to move as I feel it is inappropriate of her to even ask a married man to do this on his own. I trust my husband (but he is a male)but I don't even know her to say whether I trust her or not. The other thing is if he does this will she ask him every time she moves or will she think it is open season on asking him to do anything while every we live here or are connected with the school.

I am not afraid of approaching her at all, I just want to know if I am over reacting to this situation
SO WHAT DO PEOPLE THINK?

I personally wouldn't trust her. But don't take it out on your husband.

You are not overreacting. She is being inappropriate.

Your inner radar is going off, listen to it. She is trying to get your husband alone and yes, it's inappropriate. He needs to cancel this or you need to go with them. She can hire people to help her move. Don't count on the fact that you trust your husband, he might not have any intentions but women are manipulative and men do like attention and can be seduced. I'm not trying to make a generalization about men but more as a warning to not let your guard down. You need to get her out of your life.

I agree that you are not overreacting at all. This woman is taking advantage of your husbands kindness and manipulating him because she knows your husband will bend with pressure.

If you don't want a confrontation, let your husband move her and be done with her. If she isn't your neighbor anymore she may leave you alone. I would say no any other time she wants help after she is gone. If he sticks to no a couple of times she will stop asking and find someone else. She keeps asking your husband because he's easy. I don't know if she is "interested" in him, it sounds to me like she is just needy.

That's my 2 cents.

She might be needy. Is she single or married? Either way I think your reaction is appropriate. Both men and women need to manage these situations as they come up. "I trust him/her, but he/she is a male/female." There are things that women have done to ensure their interaction with me remains appropriate, like not approaching my residence (I live alone), having one of her children with her, or calling her husband. It's not that you don't/can't trust your husband, but that he bears some responsibility for providing reassurance that nothing fishy is going on, human nature being what it is.

Play her own game: go with your husband under the pretense of helping her move. Three people can move her stuff faster than two!

Do something similar next time she approaches your husband. Spoil her plans. Mark your territory so to speak. I guarantee you won't be hearing from her again.

QFT

if you're gonna be working, take a day off or call in sick and go with them, unannounced. say that you just wanted to help out. I don't think you should distrust your husband if he finds this woman's behaviour just as amusing as you do, but still- it would be fun to watch her get mad!

This is a good idea.

The woman asking for your husband to help her move isn't inappropriate considering how the two of you have let this relationship develop. It's the next logical step.

Whether the whole relationship (all 3 of you) is inappropriate? Now that's a relevant question.

You and your husband befriended a lonely single mother who was more than happy to take advantage of your husband's inability to say NO and your inability to put limits on the helpfulness. If you can't defend your boundaries, there's no reason for her to respect them.

By not accompanying your husband on any of his visits to this woman, you've failed to support him, you've left him wide open to being taken advantage of, you've shot yourself in the foot. I understand it's not easy to get out and about with pain, but when a situation like this manifests, it's time to go forth as a couple.

It's very telling that even though he said he didn't want to help her move, he eventually agreed to. Either he actually does want to or he's unable to resist pressure. That is a life problem that needs to be addressed, not just this situation, but all future situations where someone might apply pressure to him to get what they want.

For the short term, accompany them on the move, and make it clear to her that your friendship is now over... she refuses to respect your stated boundaries, you are uncomfortable with the one-to-one time your husband is spending with her, you need your husband at home. If your husband can't make it stick, then you had better.

It may be she's single because she wore out her previous husband with her 'needs', she's too high maintainance. The two of you have been enabling her dependency. Time to stop.

As far as a more intimate relationship developing... frankly, why should she put out when she's being so well taken care of without having to do his laundry or cook his meals? She is the queen of her castle and he but a knave.

G'day forum folks,

Thanks all of you, so very much for your replies. you all offer good perspective on the presenting and other slightly more peripheral issues.

I have thought and deliberated long and hard with my husband about his "disease to please" issues. I find it astounding as I am so far away from this myself it is kind of hard to relate to him in this respect.However through diligent attention to the issue (mine not his) I would say that my husbands innability to say NO stems from his overwhelming need to be accepted and needed and to be seen as someone masterful in his environment . Unfortunately this is something that stems, in the most part, from 2 things, that I being so/too close, am able to identify. His neglectful and abusive upbringing, and with undiagnosed ADHD anxiety disorder learning disablites - come ASD, his own unspoken realisation that he has never really fitted in.

There may be a miriad of other issues going on with him but these are the ones that keep slapping me in the face. I am very sure, like many women I know, my husband is somewhat mesmerised by anyone that seems to provide a remedy to the above mentioned issues. In other words because he has not had the background that builds a persons ablility to be able to do this, he is not able to fill his own cup. He is quite happy to let anyone attempt to do it for him, either ultruisticly or as is usually the case with ulterior motives. I am the one in the background saying NO quite alot but this is a very powerful need that I have realised will never be completely filled. These are things that a mother should put in place early in life and and other loving soles should just reinforce this as life goes on. Alas one needs the foundation on which to build this, and one needs it early.

In my own defence in this matter I have to admit to being slightly remiss in letting this whole situation develop in the first place. However I have to contend that one can only spread ones self so thin before one starts to develop holes. Folks I have no more to give. The holes appearing in me are my chronic health issues. I have reached a point where I cannot ignore them any longer. 11 years of a daily battle to ensure ASDian kids achieve their fullest potential, without any other issue will do this to a person. After saying this it is obvious that even on a good day I simply do not have not the desire nor the physical/mental energy left to go checking, chasing a husband that at times seems hell bound on getting himself into situations similar to these.

Logically thinking my husband is an adult and I am an adult I should be able to trust him to (A) not get himself into these situations and (B) if he does to dig himself/ourselves out of it quickly and with little if any collateral damage. (Don't get me wrong I realise the risks involved in entrusting him to solve these issues himself.................more to my childrens happiness and security than my own.) Obviously I won't/ cannot entrust my husband to sort this himself and although everything in me says as a man it should be insulting to him for me to be taking charge, however I have to or risk my family.

Thanks to all of you wonderful people's sound advice I now realise that yes I need to take this seriously and I need to act. This is what I intend to do. Today after my husband gets home I will tell him that I have thought about the moving scenario and it is not going to happen. He can either go and tell her (in what ever manner he likes)himself. We can go together and I will say that I FEEL it is inappropriate for a married man to help her move on his own. Also that my husband will not be helping her anymore. Or I can go on my own and lay down the law. Either way her plan will be foiled and her ongoing dependance on my husbands innability to say NO will be nipped in the bud...............NO MORE I SAY NO MORE LOL.

thanks again folks

You GO, GIRL!! !

And once you have taken care of business...
take care of yourself... chocolate, spa, romantic comedy movie... whatever it is, you deserve it.

I trust your husband, but I don't think you are being unreasonable in trusting that woman.

It's one of those uncomfortable facts of life that, often, appearances seem to be everything, and sometimes something that only looks inappropriate can be just as bad as something that is definitely inappropriate. Your husband might simply help out and be completely innocent of any wrong-doing, but you never know what other people who don't know any better might gossip, and you certainly never know what that woman might claim when alone with your husband. I've seen unstable men and women fabricate love affairs with innocent people and ruin families and lives.

I agree with the folks above: if it is not too late, go along to help out, and even invite a friend or neighbor or two to help out as well. Even if you are unable to do any heavy lifting, you might pack a simple picnic lunch for everyone (I suspect you'll want to ask for your husband's input on one or two simple things for the lunch, and thank him for helping out), and maybe buy nice (but certainly not expensive) surprise house-warming gifts for the woman and her kids (think of this as a "good riddance" gift, if you prefer.) I suspect you'll find it hard not looking like the better woman as a result (and like extremely tough, perhaps unbeatable competition for the "other woman.")

And you might want to find a way to let your husband know afterward that you appreciate everything he does for you and your family and family friends, and that you don't know what you'd do without him. Maybe that's not 100% true (I'm sure he does things that drive you crazy sometimes - that's just life - and although you sound a bit shy, you seem quite capable of taking care of yourself), but even so you do sound like you care about your husband a lot, you are at least a little worried about losing him, and perhaps he feels a bit like he's not sure of how much you need him, and how well he's able to meet that need, so it's probably not a bad idea to spell it out for him. Furthermore, I have a feeling it can only do you good to be honest with your husband about how you feel, as soon as possible: if you trust him, you can tell him directly that you trust him, and that you can't help feeling a little jealous of the attention that woman is getting anyway.

The down side to these suggestions, of course, might be that I have absolutely no idea how to handle the possibility that she'll continue to try to mooch off you and your husband even after moving away, but maybe someone has some suggestions on how to break her of that bad habit without making yourself feel bad about it.

G'day Forum folks,

Just an update.

I told my husband this afternoon that as I told him before I didn't feel comfortable with him helping this lady to move(it is inappropriate for him as a married man to be doing this on his own) and that I wanted to let her know in no uncertainterms that my husband furture help will not be forth coming. He again reiterated that he did not intend to get "sucked in to this" in the first place but that this woman(as he had explained previously) is very pushy and just would not take No for an answer. As I said before my husband certainly has the disease to please and I believe he found it impossible to walk away with his point and decision made, and her actually getting it.

My husband seemed all to eager for this to be sorted out and at lightening speed gave me the responsibility of being the messenger. This reassured me that as far as he is concerned there was nothing but the inability to say no mixed into this situation. So I am to be the bad guy in the scenario. I am used to this it happens alot with the kids too. However I have broad shoulders and this is nothing compared to many many things I have already been through with my kids.

I have to admit I still kind of feel sorry for her, (this is typical of me I am like the pied piper of sad cases LOL) but I need to balance this out with the fact that she has the potential to rip apart our family and thus my childrens health happines and future. Of course no one and nothing takes precedence over my kids.

It also annoys me that it has to be me that cleans up his mess when I advise him not to get in too deep in things in the first place. However this will be my battling ram in future times when he insists that "it's alright"

I went to see her at her house this afternoon but she was out. So I will catch her tomorrow and let her know..... Will update you all tomorrow.

cheers

I understand how the OP feels. Let's not get ahead of ourselves and rush to judgment. The only thing I see here is a very pushy woman who is overstepping her boundaries. I doubt she has any designs on the husband, she is in greater need of a strong back, free labor and a free vehicle to move her stuff from point A to point B.

The husband buckled because this woman got pushy. It should really be his responsibility to call her and tell her that he will not be able to help (no reason necessary). However, he doesn't want to or need to, he has a wife that is willing to do it for him.

If I were in the OPs shoes, I'd call her on the phone and tell the pushy lady as politely as possible that her husband will not be able to assist with the move. I would not tell her that she is overstepping her boundaries and that her request was inappropriate, that might buy some very bad blood and a very bad attitude and we wouldn't want that due to the school issues.

If the lady gets mouthy and pushy after the information is imparted then the OP should tell her that she is very busy and must hang up.

Considering that the pushy lady is moving out the neighborhood she may be easily avoided in the future. She'll find a new person to hassle at her new residence.

Well you are not over reacting that she is needy. There are several possibilities and combinations, you probably won't get a straight answer.

It could be that she just fancies him. Or it could be some sort of separation anxiety/extreme loneliness. Or it could be that she thinks married men are easily to manipulate. And so on.