Sorting out thoughts about dating.

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I'm having a hard time even figuring out why I want a girlfriend or a girl in my life and if it's even possible given my circumstances.

I suppose I want what everyone else wants...an attractive person of the opposite sex that I can relate to on some level. I also want the whole sleeping together (not just sex, but the intimacy of going to bed and having pillow talk while watching late night TV.) I want a woman that first and foremost I'm attracted to, but also a woman that is about as attractive as I am, which is to say above average but not a model. I want people to think "Wow, they look good together" instead of "How'd he get her? He must have money." Unlike most guys, most of the time I'm attracted to a woman, I feel she's in my league and it isn't some diva that I'm just fantasizing about sexually but would have nothing in common with.

But this goal of mine contradicts the lifestyle I currently live. I don't have a job due to the Aspergers, don't drive and probably never will, and happen to like living with my family for the time being. So it would take some girl to let me move in with her, be unemployed and transportation-less, and for her to basically be the breadwinner in the relationship minus the 400 dollars I get for disability.

In other words, if I really wanted it, while the driving may not be an option, I would have to get a job, even if the girl "understood Aspergers" and didn't care that I was unemployed (which is unlikely anyway.)

More to the point, my fantasy relationship is unlikely to happen, so why bother thinking about falling in love? Isn't it kind of pointless given that it isn't going to happen in my living condition?

On top of that, I'm picky as hell looks and personality wise...am basically looking for a female version of myself that looks nothing like myself. So what's the point in torturing myself and thinking about an unlikely scenario?

Yes - I know there's a human want of compatibility with someone and physical affection and sex, but I haven't had sex yet and from the stuff I've done (everything else) I don't think it's that important to me.

Do you feel pressured into having one? If you don't really want a relationship, don't get into one for the sake of being in one.

I had done that before, and it was a disaster.

As shallow as this may sound, I think I just want an attractive woman (what I consider an attractive woman) to spend time with and "love me for me" and we have the kind of rapport Mulder and Scully or Frasier and Roz or Elaine and Jerry have. Unconditional compatibility. And I realize those are TV shows and they're also Neurotypical people, but it's what I want I guess. I want a woman that wants more out of me, but genuinely doesn't care that I don't drive or work, as long as I'm making strides to get better and not sitting on the couch eating doritos.

Yeah, the tradeoffs. Probably the biggest issue in whether to date or not (if one has a choice).

Hey, bro.

Love isn't a decision. It isn't really a tangible idea either. It isn't something that can be planned out or really set up in a similar manner, you know what I'm saying. Love is just a feeling, and what makes love really "love" is probably the the nature of it in the first place. Love is like a fire, uncontrollable, unthinking, but constantly changing. It can be manipulated, yes, but you can only do so much to control it, much like a relationship. If you have a clear mental picture of a relationship, you are likely to be dissapointed bro. You shouldn't expect, shouldn't picture, shouldn't hold expectations of any sort. Doing such limits your options and can actually negatively impact the chances of you finding that special someone, you know what I'm talking about bro?

I hear what you're saying. Men are pretty much guided by a woman's looks though. Different women make us feel different ways. I've never been in love, but I've been really attracted to women before, listening to love songs and getting the funny feeling inside.

A girlfriend would give me something to do, no pun intended. When I was dating the first girl I was dating, I at least knew that two times a week, we'd go out or hang out and we'd talk on the phone in between before things fell apart. With a girl that actually wants a boyfriend and is into me, it could boost my social life and like I also said make me a better person. While it's up to me to get better, girlfriend or not, having someone that cared other than family and seeing my life genuinely and postively impact an attractive, nice female's life would probably motivate me.

My problem is the same one someone else is facing, but also with the not driving. I don't live in an area conducive to dating. I don't live in the middle of nowhere, but I suppose people meet each other in these parts through social circles. Even for one night stands (which I don't want) the bars are in Boston and Boston is a pain in the a$$ to get to, driving or not. Not even the prospect of meeting an attractive woman could make me want to go there. So that leaves the neighboring towns...and random approaches at shopping malls, bookstores, and such if I want a selection of decent looking unmarried women, and I don't currently have the balls to randomly talk to a stranger. I can have a convo, but randomly going up to a girl and saying "hi" is difficult for me.

^^ Excuses excuses dude.

Do you really think, I mean REALLY think, what you posted has anything to do with you being single? Everyone else in your area has paired off, yes? So why are you single? How are you different than them? Think. Why are you posting on this forum?

I've had offers from unattractive neurotypicals. Has nothing to do with the Aspergers. My brother is neurotypical and great looking and has been single for the same reason.

I don't think what you're looking for is too unreasonable.

Your problem seems to be handling the social interface. The NT world can be pretty cutthroat, as underneath all the pleasentries lays rigorous competition for pecking order. A kind of battle aspies are ill equiped to fight. There's a lot of literature out there on how to play that game better, so my advice would be to read up & practice. As you've noticed, an attractive gf is a hot comodity, something others will try to take from you, so in order to have one, you're stuck having to play this ugly game.

It's all about skills. There are guys worse off financially that you that do great with women, & guys way better off having the same trouble you do.

After giving it more thought, I think I was overthinking it. I want a girlfriend for the reasons I mentioned. While looks aren't everything, they are important to most men, and I want a woman that I can look at a year from now, not necessarily just from a sexual attraction standpoint, and not be bored with her and if we break up, it isn't because of a lack of attraction but because we fell apart, one of us moved or lost interest in being in a relationship or something.

What I realized is that there is no "one." If you travelled across the country or the world, there would be hundreds and thousands of "the one" even for a picky person. Attractive, cool women, while a hot commodity, are common in the grand scheme of things.

My hope is to just find one suitable partner and make it work if there aren't too many holdups. The good thing about me is that I'm not a curious guy. I stick with the classics instead of finding something new. In other words, I don't have wandering eyes and I get the impression if I had a girlfriend I was crazy about in and out of bed, I wouldn't be caring about women on the street or celebrities or anything.

I realize what I'm looking for, while not impossible, is simply hard to find even for a great-looking Neurotypical, but I'm not bad looking and my Aspie qualities have more to do with job-related stuff and interacting and dealing with a$$holes than lack of basic social skills or talking skills.