Catch-22

Post Reply New Topic

Without complicating it...I'm looking for a relationship with long term potential. The kind of relationship where the man and woman are best friends and lovers.

The problem is as you know, this kind of rapport is hard to find. On top of it, I'm a virgin...not as curious as I used to be about sex (want it to be with the aforementioned type of woman) but still as a 26 year old guy with some testostorone, sometimes thinking about it is out of my control. I've come close to settling and making potential big mistakes a number of times. When my testostorone takes over and even masturbation can't help, I end up going on dating sites, practically begging women who aren't my type to meet for sex. Luckily, this method obviously doesn't work...as most women even if they're on a dating site for sex aren't so easy as to just show up at a hotel and get down to business. One time over the winter an 18 year old girl was willing to meet and have sex in a car...she was going to provide the condoms...but she chickened out.

What I'm worried about is one of these days one of these women will want to meet (the type of women on the dating site I go on are 20somethings with multiple kids) and I'll get the easy sex and become attached to her. I know for a fact that whatever woman I have sex with, attachment is imminent. I'm the type of person where for me, male and female interactions, physical acts and sex especially, mean more than a handshake unlike most of society.

You might be thinking "There's such a thing as freewill." The male sex drive is a hard thing to suppress, even for guys that aren't as sexual as the typical guy. Our body tells us "Go out and reproduce" even after we've masturbated. And from what I hear, sex even with someone you don't like feels really good and is a natural drug of sorts.

The answer of course is to find someone like I mentioned in the first paragraph...who I'm attracted to, have a rapport with, and can be friends with or go out with. But the problem is, I'm too shy to look or talk to new women, which is why I look on dating sites.

So I'm unsure of how to get motivated enough in person to get out of my comfort zone. I'm not painfully shy where it just isn't going to happen that way. I just have a little pre-game jitters...not over fear of rejection or lack of confidence...just "oh this might be awkward." And as you know, being Aspie is all about trying to avoid the awkward situation.

Oh my. You have a serious case of putting the cart before the horse. You should not be attempting tio arrange sexual encounters if you are too shy to look at or talk to a woman. Even the most casual sexual encounter is not done in silence and with no looking at each other. Sex involves far more contact than you are currently comfortable with. You need to get comfortavble with talking and looking before you are ready for sex.

That hadn't crossed my mind either. Further complication to something I thought was simple.

When did I say I was too shy to talk to or look at a woman? I said I was too shy to say hi to a random woman that I don't know (which the majority of men, AS or not, are afraid to as well.

I dated a girl and was perfectly fine communicating with her verbally and getting physically intimate with her. It just didn't get to the sex point because we didn't date for that long.

I'm perfectly capable (which isn't a good thing) of meeting up with a woman who wants easy sex.

why is this not a good thing?

1.)I don't want easy sex. My body does, I don't.

2.)If you read, I'm looking for a relationship.

3.)I'm likely to get attached after sex, and want to like a girl because I like her as a person, with the sexual attraction second and a by-product of that.

Yes, believe it or not, women, some guys try not to think with their d*cks lol.

1) you may not realise but you and your body are one and the same thing

2) I have read this thread a couple of times but you'll forgive me if these kinds of posts tend to be difficult to distinguish between as there's so many of them from different people. It's pretty late/early here too

3) seriously you'll never know until you try. you'll get attached to her if you're around each other long enough to develop feelings yeah but what's wrong with that? Could be just what you need. I realise a lot of aspies avoid intimacy due to fear of future rejection but if you never put yourself in a position where that could potentially happen you'll never get in to a realtionship at all. Self defeating in other words the difference between this and a Catch-22 situation is Catch-22 is set up by another person or organization, this is all your own work.

you can try not to think with your dick all you like but it looks to me you're not succeeding, this post is surely testament no?

yes, and no. not succeeding because like it or not, i'm a 26 year old drive with a sex drive. i am succeeding because i haven't given in and settled.

and nothing wrong with attachment if you genuinely like the person. but as i learned from my last relationship, attachment can happen out of lack of a better available option. i didn't like the girl (emotionally) i was dating, but felt an attachment to her because of just spending time around each other. it took a lot of arguing on her part and for her to show the person she really was for me to finally say goodbye.

I see. Am I right in thinking this girl was interested in continuing seeing you but you didn't want to and now you're trying to move on kind of thing? I wonder if it's normal for aspies to fall for people they don't actually like?
It's definitely over is it, not left hanging? I can tell you from bitter experience that girls can smell if you still love your ex. I don't know man, I can relate to what your saying it's a hard getting over someone even if you've got good reasons not to like them. It doesn't mean you'll feel like this every time tho.

She dumped me and we continued hanging out as friends despite the fact that it wasn't a friendship, just two people arguing. I was attached by that point anyway. Haven't talked to her for 2 months and will never talk to her again.

My point is, I'm not afraid of attachment. I'm afraid of just getting attached for the sake of getting attached.