Everyone expects me to marry my aspie friend

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I have a friend from high school who is two years younger than me. We had a class together during my final semester of high school and we would both be diagnosed with Asperger's around the same time. He ended up going to the same college as me so we met up again. Honestly my memories of being his friend before then are so blank. But anyway we've been hanging out more and more during college. Now these days we're hanging out practically every weekend and every day in the freaking summer after we both got out of college. We both still live with parents in our town for different reasons. Anyway, he's really the only friend I have but the fact that we hang out with each other too much disturbs me sometimes. We always go out to eat or go to the movies and such just so we can both get out of our own homes but still have someone to hang with.

I fear he's attracted to me. See he always hangs around asian chicks, mostly chinese students for various reasons but he seems to get along with asian kids more than white kids even though he's white. He even said in his facebook "I don't have an asian fetish...I have a preference". The fact that I'm half Korean makes our friendship iffy enough. He's a bit attached to me sometimes even though he has other friends and is far capable of developing a social life outside of me. He's more sociable than me actually and enjoys snarky humor and quoting the Simpsons much like me. He mostly watches cartoons as well. But he is a smart person who working towards a PHD at the moment. He wears the same kind of button up shirts and khaki pants everyday (refuses to wear jeans or shorts). He has quite a short buzz cut. In essence, he looks like a well-dressed kid but is basically a genius adult.

So having a friend like this who will sometimes be concerned for my safety (much to my annoyance) and buy me gifts on holidays and such...I'm a bit terrified at the idea that he's attracted to me because I am NOT attracted to him. Nor could I ever be. It's horrid I know but those are just the breaks. We have never discussed any possible attraction to one another though sometimes I get creeped out by any remarks he makes about sex or marriage to me. I was a bit creeped out when he used a picture of me and him in a facebook profile picture. I tell him such things creep me out and he respects that. I wouldn't be surprised if he asks me to marry him without even going on a date with this guy. But my family seems to acknowledge the fact that he's my only friend and there always making jokes about me marrying him some day. Sometimes, I worry that our whole friendship was based on this notion that I would one day be his girlfriend from his perspective. I also fear that our friendship will make it difficult for me to attempt future relationships out of guys out of guilt and such cuz we're friends who hang out like everyday.

So how do I know what his deal is...if he really is just trying to get me as a girlfriend without bringing the subject up? I can I make it clear that we will never be a couple without actually saying it? I wish there was a way to do both cuz I hate confrontation and I fear it would end our friendship if we finally got to the bottom of this.

And I have NO interest in getting married to anyone at all...

Oh no. This won't end well. If the other threads in this subforum are anything to go by, he's nursing a crush and will be angry with you when you make it clear that the feeling is not mutual. This will eventually happen even if both of you are the type who don't want to bring it up to avoid what is sure to be an unhappy confrontation. I don't have any good advice really. Just brace yourself. The odds are VERY high that he has a crush on you and when he confronts (somehow) that you can't ever feel that way about him, it's not going to be a fun evening. Sorry. Not trying to be harsh. Just realistic.

Well, this is a tricky situation, it really looks like he's told everyone but you about his feelings (I'm familiar with the tactic), I don't know how he was supposed to tell you, but he didn't do it right, you aren't attracted to him and that's a fact. I think you feel betrayed an violated by your family and friends because they seem interested in helping him trick you into feelings that aren't yours. They underestimated your own intuition and that would make me furios as well. How you explain the situation is up to you, just realize that he seems to have strong feelings for you and I can't think of a nice way to turn down a guy like him, he just wouldn't understand. It seems unfair for him (I know you don't want to create a scene), but it wasn't fair to have people trying to trick you into life changing decisions, you have to advocate for yourself and get your message out or you will always have to depend on someone to speak for you (I'm speaking with experience here).

Just curious, as a side note -- you mentioned that he's always hanging around chinese students for various reasons --

What are those reasons? Do they like him, or does he force himself on them?

To answer your question -- time to get more friends. This thing with you and him can't end well, at least not until he gets an asian girlfriend or someone worth as much to him who cares for him the way he wants. Until then, you both are just going to resent each other for different reasons.

Also, what is unattractive about him? His looks? His personality? All of the above? I'm not second-guessing your preferences here (you have a right to not be attracted to someone), but I'm curious if you've figured out what it is, and maybe what you would like in someone else.

The only thing I can suggest before doing anything drastic is to not spend so much time with him. You say that you are not attracted to him at all, yet he's your only friend. You say that you two have never been on any dates, yet you two have already spent so much time together. Have you tried going an extended period of time without seeing or doing anything with him? This is to rule out the possibility that you are taking your one and only friend for granted, which could possibly destroy a good friendship if acted upon.

One possible reason why you may be so disturbed by hanging out with him so much is that you might have a feeling that you're being restricted by him, although he's not intending to make you feel that way. You might be feeling like you're not really able to grow and explore and do different things freely if those things always have to be done with him specifically. In contrast, he might not feel disturbed towards you because it sounds like he also has other people (the Asian women) he hangs out with, though not nearly to the extent he hangs out with you, so in a sense he already has the freedom for which you might be yearning.

At any rate, I'd suggest taking time away from him to evaluate with a clearer mind how you feel about him, and also to start doing stuff with different people, so that you won't feel trapped and you will continue to grow. He is providing you with a sense of stability, and you are looking for change. For healthy growth of a person, you need both. Then after time has passed, think about how you actually feel about him.

All you've told us is that he likes you, everyone thinks you two should be together, and you don't like him 'that way'. That still leaves out critical information that could push my advice in one of three directions. Unless you explain to your family WHY you don't like him, they're going to continue pushing, along with everyone you know. In the end you could end up hurting a lot of people, and come off as a complete b****.

Now, I don't know if you're asexual, just not interested, or in dire need of a reality check. I'm not in the position to make that call. I would simply talk to your family, and let them know what it is you want. If you don't want anyone or any sort of romance, asexual would be a very good word to use. If you have a different type, explain it to them, and they'll let you know if you need a serious reality check.

As for the reality check, many men and women I've seen expect everything out of a partner, when they have very little to offer in return. Unless you're Princess Charming, you're not going to get a Prince Charming that stays around for more than a quick lay. I've seen that around here, but I can't know for sure what it is you're holding out for, or even if you're holding out. You just haven't told us anything we need to make a good call.

As it stands my advice is really thin. I would talk it out with your family along with what I described, on why you don't like him.

Last edited by CerebralDreamer on 06 Jul 2009, 5:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Men are driven by their urges. It's the truth. On several occasions, I went after a girl because I thought she was hot and I felt stuff for her...

HOWEVERRRR when I got to know them I decided that I did not LOVE them, not really, and being friends forever far outclasses someone you date&hate.

So it is indeed common for men to have ladyfriends that are their type. It usually means they've managed to decide they're not gonna chase the dragon by giving up a friend.

If you're 25 now and have known him since high school and hasn't made a move yet then he either has an awful lot of self control, or he isn't attracted to you either.

It would be good to just be forward about your concerns to him at some point. If he does make an attempt shut it down quickly, don't be ambiguous.

1. He's obviously attracted to you.
There's no getting away from it. It's really obvious.

2. Search your feelings
One thing that you see so often on WP are stories about how aspies have never found partners/soulmates etc. Lasting love starts as friendship and you should try to keep your partner
as your best friend throughout your relationship.

I know that your first reaction upon discovering that he's attracted to you is probably going to be "run away".

You should really ask yourself firstly whether you're enjoying time together with him. What would you do if he wasn't there?

There's no such thing as a Mr Perfect who will waltz into your life and sweep you off your feet so if you set your expectations too high, you might never find anyone.


I'm not saying that you should go ahead and marry this person but just that you should think carefully before discarding him. You don't actually have to get rid of him (yet) but you do need to make your position very, very clear. This will probably cause a lot of antagonism.

BTW: Just as a matter of interest; why do you say that " I am NOT attracted to him. Nor could I ever be. "
Is it his appearance, personality, cultural/religious background etc?

A lot of the questions you bring up actually may suggest something of an answer. I'd have to ask the OP this question - does she feel like she'd either be up for winging him or suggesting the idea? If she could make bring it to the table with him that she's had this great adventurous and constructive idea of helping him to find a girlfriend, and do it without even accidental condescension but treating it like a platonic friend looking out for a friend - his reaction may be a much easier read and she could get that reaction without having to be blunt which, that seems like its easily the worst case scenario.

As for a single guy in his mid 20's who doesn't date - hanging out with her every day? The only suggestion that I can think of is if he's not interested in her and trying to diffuse a crush slowly through friendship that he's asexual and trying to cover for it at other times. There aren't many guys in their mid 20's who think highly of being single unless, well, they're macks - this guy doesn't sound like he's living that life. Unlike what some other people have suggested though I don't think he's trying to trick or con her, if anything he's just trying to deal with a set of emotions that are ripping him apart and she's helping right now to keep him level. Her concern about meeting other guys is a very legitimate one though and I think it really just brings back the idea that her best likely plan is trying to wing for him and see if she can help him find someone (not saying she even owes it to him but its probably the most diplomatic route through all of this).

I have no plans to confront him about this. I just wanted peoples thoughts on the subject. I'm just not attracted to him. Plus his personality is based mostly around being a humorous snarky guy who jokes about anything and everything. I'm too serious. He's offended me numerous times even though I know he doesn't mean it.



LOL Trust me, I'm not a chick looking for any Prince Charming. I have no problem with the rest of my love life being based on dating a guy for a little bit, getting laid, and just moving on to another guy once the previous one gets sick of me. I get in more social interaction with more people at least. My ideal partner will never exist outside of my head and I dont have the tolerance for a committed relationship anyway.

Yeah, technically I would become a whore...heh...

Or, you know, he could be nervous... I've gone years liking a woman without telling her all the time...

That falls under the self control category.

Wow, I could be way off, there's no way of knowing for sure whether or not he likes you or wheter it's a good idea or not. How well do you understand him? It may be a good way to find out what is going on.

Wow you guys just to assumptions quickly. Maybe he just views you as his best friend as enjoys your company. If he wanted to make a move he would've done so already. Its been 8 years, right? NOBODY holds off that long. I buy gifts for my closest friends sometimes, its not a big deal. People just goof on you because you two are so close, one of my closest friends is a girl who I buy gifts for and vice versa, its just a really close friendship and we would never date each other. Just be clear on that casually and itll be alright.
And to the other people who posted, she can feel free to not want to date anybody she doesnt want to. People shouldnt forcibnly lower their standards, such thinking leads to the US's atrocious divorce rate.

umm... hi...

Oh wait, no, I held off only for 7... so I guess you're right... for now...


Agreed...