How about some Aspie Girl Views/Experiences on Dating/Love?

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There are fewer of us diagnosed than men/boys, but we still have struggles when it comes to navigating the romantic battlefield. Girls, share some of your experiences, don't let the guys have all of the attention on here! Let's shift the scales a little.

I am not sure it is as difficult. Alot of the women with AS here are married. Some are asexual. Some, like myself, are in a long term relationship but are not interested in marriage. I have noticed that while there is some difficulty with relationships, the traits that women manifest do not hurt them nearly as much as men with AS.

For me the biggest problem was meltdowns. I turn into a person I do not like. It has destroyed a few relationships and friendships. It nearly destroyed the relationship I have with my boyfriend, but thankfully he is a patient guy.

you hit the nail on the head there, there is to much anger directed at women on this particular board that is just to much for me to handle. so its best not to open another can of worms by airing my experiences, let the boy/men fling poop I am staying out of it.

Like men, women will have varying degrees of luck in finding someone, we can't rely on stereotypes that are so common on here.

Plus with people on the spectrum (of both genders), are at a greater risk of being taken advantage of than their NT counterparts.

I don't buy the "female Aspies have it easier" belief.

Last edited by Tim_Tex on 29 Jan 2010, 2:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I kind of agree this board is frequently hostile to women, and alot of the guys don't realize that hostility may be at the core of thier problems.

Agreed, and I have no idea why... they're doing nothing but harming the solution to their problems with the vitriol I've seen spewn here.

Also, as per Friskeygirls signature... Bugger off! ^_~

Although there are some men who don't get aggressive (for example Tim_Tex) and are nice and understanding people (for example Tim_Tex). I do get the point though, there are some (perhaps many) males here who have been hurt and lash out at women.

I have trouble knowing when someone is interested in me or flirting. I've been told I can shut a guy down within seconds of their expressing interest, but I've never intentionally done so; I just never noticed they were interested. Also, I never know when it's appropriate for me to approach a man or how to judge if they will have a positive reaction. On the occassions when I have approached someone, I never can tell what their reaction is, so the whole conversation just sort of peters out.

I have been married before, but my husband was very obvious about his interest. Actually, nowadays, he'd probably have been ejected from the place where we met for inappropriate behavior, especially since I was underage at the time. As a matter of fact, anyone behaving that way towards me now would likely get a knee somewhere sensitive. Looking back on it, his behavior was very inappropriate.

Really, the only times I've been sure was when the men came out and said directly what was on their minds.

can you show us an example of this happening? i cant recall ever seeing anyone on the board being hostile to women.

I have no clue either, subtley is lost on me, why don't people just say hey I like you, what do you think about me? Would be so much more simple that way.

when I look back at when I was younger I would wonder why women were acting so weird to me and I feel so stupid realizing that they were flirting with me, I just didn't 'get it' at the time that that was what they were doing but I would notice they were looking at me funny and talking weird. At the time I reacted more like they were making fun of me or mocking me somehow...it's kind of hard to explain.

My main problem with dating I think is not being dumb enough. I think if I had less opinions and less to say and knew how to do the flirt and play coy thing (I suck at it) I would probably have alot more girlfriends. People put their toes in the water with me and instead of acting stupid I talk about superstring theory. And they run for the hills. I am just 'too much' somehow...but I really don't know how to be any other way, if I could have figured it out by now I would have.

I know what you mean. You should see how fast people change the subject when I start talking about the figurines I'm studying.

Oh where do I begin....

I never know when a guy is interested in me so I usually assume they're just being friendly to be on the safe side.

I don't know how to flirt and am too self conscious to initiate or pursue someone of my interest.

My social skills come off akward thus I get anxious to even engage in a conversation.

Whenever a guy does initiate a conversation, I have trouble maintaining that engagement.

There are many reasons and factors as to why I probably don't appeal too much to guys besides looks. My flat facial expressions and tone of voice may get misread for being angry or bored. My sense of fashion is probably a bit odd and unappealing to the opposite gender. I can never keep up with looks e.g. hair, makeup, style b/c of some sensory issues, so my appearance may seem plain unless there's a special occasion or effort where I feel motivated.

I am very self-conscious and will usually keep my head down unless someone talks to me or says hi.

I don't get out much in clubs, bars or social gatherings due to the anxiety and hard effort just to casually converse. Whenever I am out amongst people, I find myself lost and more alone than before.

Dating is not easy for me because of the stress in "letting go" or having fun so to speak. I feel like I'm being tested and prejudged before getting an approvement.

When it comes to steps in dating/relationship, I'm at a total loss. It's as if I'm waiting for someone to tell me what to do next.

I need lot's of personal space and a guy could take it to mean I'm no longer interested in him.

Although I have no trouble in maintaining eye contact, it is hard for me to look into a person's face for a certain period of time.

Because of these underlining issues as well as being the minority of females here, I am at the point of just giving it up. I'm not giving it all up but I've come to a point now in my life where it's just too stressful and takes a lot of emotional and social effort. Being single for 3 odd years and having been in one relationship which only lasted a year, I've come to the conclusion that I'll probably grow into one of those old eccentric recluses with too many cats which isn't too bad.

I had several vilolent relationships with men who were very nasty. As an above poster said they 'busted moves' in a very inapropriate way, but I did not realise it was at the time, I was just able to see that they liked me. I think that is a big problem for people with AS, because the people we can 'read' like us are probably behaving socially inapropriately and we should take that as a warning sign of their instability rather than 'go for it'.

I was single for 8 years after splitting up from my youngest childs dad as he was a violent drug addict and a twat. It put me off relationships and made me not trust my judgement, I had thought he was very nice when I met him and he told me he shared all my interests and beliefs which I believed as I was very niave. I decided that I could not do relationships and I was better off alone.

Last winter I met a nice man on another aspie forum and we started chatting about posts and what we were interested in, then in May we started dating. Its been very difficult as we both have similar insecurities and cant read each other or communicate well. But we get on really well and love chatting and cuddleing and being together and haveing sex. We have kept splitting up every few weeks as we get all autistic and grumpy and cant cope with each other but we always try again as we are commited to each other and cant stand being apart for more than a few days. Weve bought lots of books on communication and relationships and each one helps us a bit more and gives us more ideas on how to make it work better. Its very hard letting someone else into my life and making myself vulnerable but I could not imagine life without him now, he feels a part of me.

My major problem with relationships is that I can get really enthusiastic about someone in the beginning, but then my feelings just trail off as the months go by. I still see them as a nice person, but I don't have the feelings I did for them at the start. Add to that the fact that I'm asexual and I worry a lot, and my relationships don't seem to last long. :/ An Aspie friend (guy) summed it up quite well, by saying that he sees most people as 'meh', and his boyfriend as 'meh +3' or so. That makes sense to me. But it's also quite depressing.

It's happening at the moment with my boyfriend, and while he's very understanding, I don't know what to do to rectify the situation, or even if it can be done. I'm sick of the same thing happening over and over.

Girls/women on the spectrum, while we may be able to date more than our male counterparts, are more at risk, we are trusting, honest, etc. and assume that everyone is just like us. We misinterpret motives and assume that all are as pure as the ones we are initiating, but in the end we are the ones that get most taken advantage of. Lotusblossom, you are right, we do seem to gravitate toward people who we "think" get us, are like us, but sadly that can mask ulterior motives, etc. that we fail to read. Over the years, I have been told I was too gullible, too immature, too clumsy, too crazy (crazy - when I had a meltdown, they didn't know what to do with me), etc. I believe that there is good in everyone, you just have to look for it. Our male counterparts keep saying that we have it so easy, we can date, but is the ability to date essentially a bonus when it is with all the wrong people, when one may risk mental or physical abuse in the end? I am sure that there is someone out there for me and am happy to hear that there are those on the spectrum who have been lucky in love, I only hope that their luck continues and doesn't wane.