Asperger's Guys

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Hey, I know this may sound like an odd request, but I really like this guy with Asperger's (I do not have AS). We've known each other a long time, but because of a slight age difference and geographical distance, we've only recently started becoming close. I really care about him, but I'm not really sure how to read him. Is there anything I should look for? Any tips for drawing him out of his shell? Any particular way I should act- I'm naturally very outgoing and forward, but I'm afraid of scaring him. Any advice would be appreciated very much

He is he, and maybe doesn't want to change (You must know).

The other thing is that I think people are different "outside" than in internet. You should maybe meet first, and then, if the things work, go on.

Just two pieces of advice.

Thanks for the "he is he". But just to clear things up for future posters, I have met him in person, many times, but it's just not that often because of the geographic issue I mentioned before.

do not attempt to draw him out of his shell. However, if you find out what it is that he likes and talk to him about it, perhaps he will open up more.

Loving Mr. Spock: Understanding an Aloof Lover: Could It Be Asperger's?

http://www.amazon.com/Loving-Mr-Spock-U ... 1932565205

I have heard women swear by this book, perhaps it will help you, too?

You probably won't. Rather, he will be happy that someone is so obviously interested in him. We are used to people of the opposite sex either just wanting to be friends, or even just talking to us out of general social politeness rather than being interested in us as girlfriends or sexual partners. So you may need to go a little over the top in showing that you really like him for him to take it seriously.

i agree with biostructure, its not that people with as dont see the signs theyre not blind its that we learned to dismiss them at the smallest doubt from failing to read people in the past.

you can try to draw him out of his shell if he knows and trusts you, yeah it might backfire if you hardly know each other but that isnt the case.

All good points but let me emphasize one more point:

Be consistent. It may take some time to make him come out of his shell, but a consistent approach over a period of months (or in some extreme cases, years) goes a long way... Since most people can't keep up a facade for more than a few weeks, aspies will often apply the endurance test: if you are still there for him after a long period of time, it will help convince him of your sincerity... At such a point he might ask "why are you still here" or some other seemingly insulting comment. This is the critical point for you; telling him you love him at this point will help him accept that you're actually being sincere and not just trying to use him.

One more thing: an aspie that has experienced only failure will need a [i]lot[i] of reassurance (again, often over a period of months or even years) before he starts believing in himself, but when he finally turns all the way around, you will have a loving partner who will always be there for you, won't cheat on you (if he does then he has some other sociopathic issues that need addressing) and will truly love you for you...

i agree with this guy.

however just for the record it can be shorter than years, much short. toad of steel is just pointing out a max amount of time possible to be realistic but he forgets large numbers can intimidate people. really, it varies person to person. toad of steel's advice sounds pretty good. but hey, i have AS and i can openup to people in days, weeks, even minutes in some cases for example. with me it just depends on the person, some people have a personality that's easier to open up to. no idk why. if he's not opening up to you right away, it doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, just to make that clear, but just that you may have to be more patient

^this

First and foremost, always be yourself. Acting differently will eventually prove tiring. Even if you become close, do you want him to like you for who you are, are who you are trying to be?

If he does have AS, he probably doesn't have a huge circle of friends and is probably awkward socially. This is good and bad. Good because if you're willing, he's going to lean heavily upon you (though it won't seem like it all the time). The bad is he may not know how to relate to you in a way which helps you understand how much he cares.

Be yourself, understand that time makes him grow fonder of you. Give him room to understand and grow into the relationship. Don't force your life or lifestyle on him.

thank you! i was not sure if this was a sign of AS or not. i dismiss flirting/signs so often, because i have misunderstood before. i wasnt sure if AS meant you just did not see them.

It's good that you already have a friendship as a starting point. Just ease into the relationship you're forming.
Do you both understand each others feelings?
If you have doubts as to how he feels about you, you can just ask (unromantic, but effective). And if he doesn't understand your feelings, again being direct is key. Directness will be greatly appreciated. He'll also be much more likely to make a move if given certainty of your feelings. You may have to make a lot of the moves yourself (depends on the guy, and on whatever romantic experience he has) at least until he's comfortable with this romance stuff.

So true. I ruined my best chance at a relationship that way. Then again, there were so many problems on both sides it may not have mattered.
So I agree

in a way it is good to read that you guys have the same experience.

i said it like it was something general among aspies (it might very well be) but it was just my own experience, i think i dont like typing i and me or my that much in a post or it will come across self centered so i used diff words i really had no good proof for what i said but we wouldnt be diagnosed with the same thing if were not similar right.

just want to add that i lost trust in my ability to read people, i never really failed at spotting signs that showed attraction just never had the guts to test them and that is what lead to dismissing all things i now spot in others like the typical things you see in that thread ''how to tell if a woman is attracted'' (something like this not sure on the name).

so the best way is to be direct and just say it, nt's could bombard an aspie with body language and hints in conversation and still not get results while a typical guy would have dragged her to his cave ages ago.

Be very direct with him. Tell him straght out how you feel. That will be the only way you know that you told him. If you try to telling any other way he will most likely not pick up on it.

Also, I know it may be hard, but do your best to say what you mean and mean what you say. I told a women I was interested in I need her to be direct, don't send me mixed signals and thats all she did. I am talking some really mixed signals.