Dating someone with panic attacks

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Hi,

I am new to this site. I met this guys about 6 weeks ago and he told me he suffers from panic attacks and takes medication for it. He visited me twice and then I went to visit him for 2 weeks. I guess I did not read up on panic attacks but more on the meds he was taking. As a result, there were times when I felt like we argued about the most benign things, like his hair which I loved and he absolutely hated. I felt like maybe it was best that I not say much before setting him off. I just received an email from him saying that maybe it is best was end the relationship as he has too many problems and he thinks I need someone who is strong to be with me. I truly care about him. I do. He is so loving and considerate. He makes me feel loved and cared for, and I just want to be there for him. I want to love him and make him know just how special he is and just how special he makes me feel.

How do I do this? How do I let him know that he is important to me? Any advice or insight would be appreciated.

Panic attacks come attached to specific anxiety disorders like social anxiety. So you would need to understand these first to know what is causing him to panic.

Or sometimes panic condition in its own right called panic disorder. This is where there is a high frequency of panic attacks and they are panicking about panicking.

Occasionally physical conditions, such as epilepsy, can cause panic disorders, but this doesn't seem likely

You may be facilitating the negative cycle, even if you are being complementary. One of the best things to do if he seems flushed/anxious is not continue that train of thought, and use distraction, like saying something funny.

Thanks for that.

I think maybe I facilitated the negative cycle by responding when he said something which I thought was aimed at me. He has a wonderful family but looking through the family photos there are not a lot with him. I guess he has isolated himself from them a bit. I should have done my homework and read up on it more.

He admitted that he is overly critical of himself and dislikes when people are critical to him about things he 'beats' himself up about. Things like that make me sad as been overly critical of one's self is not good. I try to get him to speak about things he likes about himself but I am met with silence.

He claims he will call me tomorrow (he's in Norway, I'm in London). Am I wasting my time trying to understand about this illness even more seeing that he says he thinks it is best we went our separate ways?

This may be harsh, but you should "friends zone" him. At least for right now.

Panic attics can be due to physiological or psychological causes. Unless you're a M.D., you are generally not going to be able to help and potentially make the situation worse. At best, you'll be there, a supportive spouse. At worse, you'll grow to resent him and waste a good portion of your life where the focus is not the relationship nor you, but him and his disorder.

But there are people who do believe that kind of relationship is 'normal'.

So, back to the friends zone. You need to find out what you can about him and the disorder. What's the cause, whats the likelihood for treatment and being able to come off the medication. If you still believe there's hope and a long term relationship is in the works, let him know you're interested again with the caveat - getting help. Seek out counseling early and get support from his family and clergy.

A relationship can be thought of as a battle. Going in unarmed simply sets you up for failure. Learn what you can without being under duress and make an informed decision.

Yes, he may be a great guy but panic attacks and the associated medicine is very serious business.

Too many issues (e.g. pregnancy, accidents, drinking, stress, large social events, etc.) can induce a panic attack with some really negative results.

Hi Merle,

He is currently on meds and have been on them for a while. I think he said he tried to come off on his own and did not feel any better.

I think he is really concerned that he may suck me into a life where I may end up hating him or myself for 'wasting' time with someone who has so many problems. I am willing to sit down with him, his family and a doctor to get to the bottom of this to figure out just how much I am willing to handle. His family have been great in the sense that when I am with them I feel the love from them. They help me to relax and reboot.

But not sure how to communicate all of this to him seeing that he thinks maybe I should find someone else and he is in Norway.

Excellent points: years of medication and concerns with drawing you into a life which you may hate. Medication is not given lightly especially the type where you cannot stop on your own.

Okay, next steps. Since you're willing to try tell him you are but you want to start out as friends and leave the door open to a serious relationship. This will help allay some fears and guilt he may be having, plus give hope that you are the 'one' for him. He'll grow to that regardless

Tell him: You're interested and want to respect his position (warnings basically), but want to be part of his life. You want to start out as friends as you get to know him, his condition and his family. You want to be part of his support structure and help out where you can. This will should help demonstrate openess, respect and a willingness to sacrifice.

He may ask "why", so be prepared for it. Make it clear you're not trying to take over his life but you want to help and be part of his life. But it's his life and you think this is a way to learn more about him. Yes you recognize it'll take time but you aren't expecting any quick fixes.

Internally, he's going to be scared, worried and hopeful. And ultimately, you both will be better off for the relationship regardless of how it turns out.

Thank you so much for your insight.

I was also wondering if we were to make this work long term, would that mean that if I was having a horrible day at work, could I not speak to him about it? I would not want to stress his out even more, but is this going to be a relationship that is going to be one-sided in that I am going to have to be the understanding party and not get any support mentally from him?

I am a strong-headed woman and lawyer and guess I would need to put both characteristics aside for the time been and approach it as a woman who deeply cares about this guy and want to get to know him better.

It is just amazing that he could tell me that he feels butterflies in his tummy when I am around (assuming that for someone suffering from panic attacks that this is a good thing) to now willing to shut me off in a matter of hours.

How do I get him to open up more and not feel like because I am a lawyer he is been analysed by me? How do I get him to just be frank with me about his problem the same way he sat me down and told me he suffers from panic attacks and the meds he takes for it?

Great advice from Merle on that last post. I second that heartily.

Oh absolutely not! Panic attacks are more likely described as panic induced attacks. Periods of stress or loss of control to the individual causes a shutdown (or overload) within the person. Dealing with day-to-day aren't going to be problematic.




Depending on the severity, and this is why being friends is important (as there's less guilt/baggage) you're going to be ramping up and finding that threshold. You are not there to baby/coddle him but support him until you understand what you're getting into. Don't put the cart before the horse and assume you're comfortable with his limits. Eventually with your support, he'll be better able to cope (assuming psychological foundation of attacks).

But don't consider him mentally incapable of being supportive



Yes please

Sometimes it'll be nice to have you "take charge" but (and depends on the type of panic attack) if you can include him in the decision making process so he won't completely out of control.



This is typical behavioral psychology. If a person is hurt enough, and they feel they do not have control, they are likely to lash out prematurely in order to prevent the pain in the future. Go through enough bad breakups and a person will start anticipating the pain of a subsequent breakup and then act to prevent such pain which includes not pursuing any relationships.



Do: Show you're supportive, willing to communicate, demonstrate affection, recognize he is a person and has an issue but simply accept it.

Don't: Read up too much on panic disorders (you're smart, he realizes it and you knowing more about his disorder may bother him), take total control of the relationship (can cause anxiety), assume he will be 100% responsive to your support, think this is a short process.

With time, almost any relationship will work. The longer you are with him, the more he will open up and the more you'll understand his limits. Given time, you can only enrich his life.

Thanks Merle.

I am here crying buckets of tears. I hope I am not being a silly girl. I just think of him and the good things that he has done for me while I was in Oslo with him for the past 2 weeks and it breaks my heart that he could be going through such a thing. I want to make it all go away (I know, I know this is not a short process). I just want him to resume a life where he did not have such attacks.

Am I getting this correct, are the panic attacks, actually physical attacks? Could he be driving and have a sudden physical attack? If I was with him during such a time do I just leave him alone to endure the attack and then wait to see how he responds to me? Should I just pat his back and let him know I am there if he needs me?

He recently bought a car and placed a bid on a new apartment and he expressed to me how proud he was of himself for doing these things and silly me could not understand what was so daunting about these things, especially as there is a process involved in both transactions. I rather went on and on about him not getting any documentation that the deposit for the apartment was received rather than applaud him on his achievements. I was such a doosh-bag. No wonder he felt I was not worthy.

It seems like he dislikes everything about his body, which I find absolutely amazing. This is a guy who is 6' 5" and I am gobsmacked by his smile. Yet he seems to dislike everything about him that I adore. Are there things I can say, without seeming patronising to let him know I care or thinks he is absolutely amazing?

Glad to try and help. Just to be honest, I'm just one guy sharing one perspective. Trained folks (e.g. his medical doctor) would be able to give more valid opions - because they know him

When is it EVER silly to shed tears for someone you care about? To the lurkers reading this - it is NEVER silly be you a man woman or child to cry.

To paraphrase another poster here, they would "sell their soul" for a compatriot. You can not make the attacks go away, you can support him when the occur and hopefully reduce the likelihood of occurences. And this is what most people here would sacrifice dearly for.



Yes there can be physical symptons when a panic attack ensues. A person can freeze, scream, yell, cry, wet themselves, etc. Heart rates rise and perspective narrows. Simply performing day-to-day tasks will not induce an attack. A near miss or extreme fight-or-flight triggering event can trigger a panic attack. You get mugged, you can have one. You see a mugging, you're probably fine.

If he has a panic attack, first realize it'll pass. He will not die from it and it will be scary for both of you. Console him, reassure him you're there. If the danger has passed, divert his attention and focus to you. If you're still in a hostile situation (e.g. taking gunfire) then retreat if possible.

Do not abandon him. Having support during and after the panic attack can help both psychologically (reduces the likelihood of subsequent attacks when you're arround) and physically (recovery time is decreased when surrounded with supportive stimuli).

Some of my information comes from combat vets who suffer from PTSD. The stress (e.g. crossing a street) can come from a variety of sources. But the long term solutions include habituation, dogs, family, religion, drugs, alcohol, death, etc. Not all are positive solutions nor good coping mechanisms.

However, therapy and support groups (and getting a dog who realizes you're going to go into an episode and helps reassure you) are some of the best solutions.



It's a different world from his angle. The things you take for granted and being able to handle (e.g. conflict during meetings) can trigger an attack within him. He needs to find comfort in the small battles he wins. Don't coddle him, but support him. Yes, give him advice on how to do it better but coach it ... "Nice job, how did you feel afterwards? Is there anything you would have done differently?"



Hehe self esteem which is very common. Just compliment him knowing he'll disagree. He'll act bashful but innerwardly appreciate your comments.

Isn't life strange? You're finding someone you found to be wonderful and your care/concern could be just what he needs.

You could be barking up the wrong tree. It makes sense if you have a panic attacks infrequently. However extensive personal and friends experience of this is there is much more to it than that, which happens in-between.

One very important fact is that catalyst of anxiety might not longer be there, anxiety is cyclical and it is capable of running on its own steam with little help.

I can't reiterate enough it depends on what the anxiety is about, panic attacks are a symptom. The anxiety might be unrelated to her, it depend on him whether X will trigger one.

Some people who are neurotic canconcern themselves with other people's problems, and interfere because they are trying to gain control. Personally I avoid this type of neurosis because it can make me nervous too, and I rather not be interfered with.

I would suggest CBT to him. Just be supportive. It takes a little time but it is possible to improve.

In fairness to merle I should mention you can have inherent anxious response that I not learned. This isn't the most common, but could be related to ASD.

I have a responses directly related to sensory stimulation. I also have a clinical cognitive dysfunction, which makes for the antithesis of common anxiety, because is not about leaning negative lessons, but total chaos and uncertainty cause by the cognative dysfuntion itself.

In this guys case even if he has these in some degree, he definitely has the learned type. Just from the description he is beating himself up, negative thought patterns and behaviours. It is important to deal with this first.

I am not sure if he had an attack while I was there. I know there were times he was doing DIY in the kitchen, then abruptly stopped, claimed he was tired and went off to bed for a few hours and then re-surfaced. I thought it was odd that at 4 pm he is doing DIY when it is dark outside, then stopping half way through, state he is tired and head to bed, only to get up at 8pm and fuddle around to tire himself out so he could go off to get again. But I did realize the effort he was putting in and complimented him on the work he did, which by the way was really good.

He has a cat and showed the cat quite a bit of attention, which I found to be a bit weird in the sense that he told me today that due to the medication he takes it makes him feel emotionless. So is his actions to the cat no real emotions? And are the things said to me and done with me not based on real emotions? Can he feel love? He told me he was in love with me, but unable to say the words I Love You. Is that more of a cultural or maybe personal thing rather than a panic disorder thing? I know or at least think he feels emotions. I see him cracking up when looking at Arrested Development, which he absolutely love. So what does he mean when he says he is left feeling emotionless.

Is having a cat around just as good as a dog?

Ok. Before I started this blog, I sent him this message in an email. Am I saying too much? Am I scaring him with these words? Am I doing any good? I feel like I kid learning to walk all over again. The email was as follow:

"Just want to let you know that I am not giving up on you. I need to understand about panic attacks and that may come from you or my own research, but I am not scared to learn and deal with this with you. I will give you your space when you need it, but I will always be here for you, because I saw good sides of you and I will hold on to those images and the way you made me feel before the panicky moments occur. Just wanted to let you know. That's all."

M

That sounds fine to me -- curt and to the point, yet not cold or dishonest. It's hard to judge when the other half of the equation is merely fragmented information within the discussion. What's best is knowing both people involved to get a feel of how each reacts to various situations and input.

Have you mentioned that he will remain a friend for the time being, with very real potential for something more as you both grow and learn?