Being rejected and giving second chances/renewed pursuit

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Hi. This is a serious issue with me. I am the type who generally would go out with someone until I find out about a "bad" dealbreaker, but in the past I have had people passing on me for no good reason or had heard false rumors/slander about me and did not bother to ask me directly for the real story.

Anyway, to share my experiences, several times after having been initially rejected I was either later approached by them in person at which time they told me they had been wrong so they hoped it was still cool for us to go out, or a mutual friend told me why they'd passed on me and now wanted a second chance but were too scared/embarrassed to ask, or I just figured it out myself, them not admitting their error but nonetheless seeming to be willing to go out anyway.

I must tell you I never gave any of them a second chance as they had never given me a first chance; I prize myself on at least knowing what I want, even if I am still not great at recognizing mutual interest and a little awkward in interacting, but I do not tolerate someone who does NOT KNOW what they want or mis-perceives me as not being it or is foolish enough to buy into slander about me and believes it without going to the source, or is fickle and changes her mind about the kind of guys she wants every five seconds.

In my words: "One strike and you're out, because that's how you treated me, and you've just had yours....."

Mind you I am not talking about a girl who likes military men rejecting a peace activist - that just makes common sense.

Your thoughts and stories about this would be welcome.

My philosophy is that you can't know for 100% that someone is not wroth it, and that they would NEVER change. So I believe EVERYONE should be given multiple chances even if they do something a lot worse than you described.

Nevertheless, what you described in this post seems like a possible candidate for ONE and ONLY exception to this rule, since it gives you a good chance to get even with the ppl who refuse to do what I just described ppl should do. So for that reason I voted "I have to think about it" since I have a very strong argument on both sides.

But let me tell you this: I WISH people who rejected ME were to do what you just described. Then I would have a choice between two GREAT options: one is to get a second chance I so desperately wanted, and the other one is to get even by turning them down. But unfortunately no one ever says they are wrong about me. Apparently I suffer socially a lot more than most aspies.

My thoughts are that you seemed to be a very in tune person who knows what he wants and has the moral clarity to know that people prejudging you is wrong. Conviction is a good thing, imo. Forgiveness is also tho and being humble enough to accept it.

I can't say you not going out with them is either a good or a bad thing, only you know your preference in women.

The one strike rule i don't know about, lol. I don't know the circumstances of how they misperceived you or what slander they bought into. If it was me and I was just blowing off some steam I might be saying the same thing you're saying.

If it was someone I liked, i'd still give them a chance to see what they're about tho. A mistake doesn't define a heart or a persona.

I picked option 5. Well, OK maybe that's not realistic, but fun to think about, right?

There's no going back on rejection where strong emotions are involved because the interaction is forever tainted and the people involved will be unable to trust each other, and past rejection ruins the credibility of it all. The only way to fix this is to move on to another person. It's not about being angry or holding a grudge, or taking things personally.

Whom do you look to for a date or further possibilities? The logical choice would be a close friend or someone else who is in a role that permits getting to know the other person well. Ironically, these are precisely what one typically avoids because placing strong emotions that can swing far in either direction into existing relationships can ruin friendships and create conflicts of interest when the other person's role is inappropriate for that. So for the most part we'll end up forming our most intimate and important relationships with people who are currently total strangers we haven't met yet. Preferably, these strangers should be people you don't have anything invested in, and easy to get away from and never see again if necessary. This is how it works. Weird, huh?

I chose yes. I am a very forgiving person.

They'd at least have to admit to my face that they were wrong otherwise I would never consider giving someone a second chance.

I'm curious about what provoked the change of heart; did they take time to get to know you better, or was it just a case that they found out you're rich...?

Nothing wrong with refusing to give them a second chance; it would be worse if you pretended to, but in reality still held it against them.

I think I'd be OK with giving a second chance to someone if I had gotten to know them better; they would now know more stuff about me than previously and be in a better position to decide if I was their 'type' (and vice versa).

No I wouldn't, I'd move on. There's no reason to go back in my opinion.

My initial thought is: "If THEY reject ME, why is it even a question that I should give THEM a second chance?"

Then I read the initial post & saw that in the situation described, the rejector is giving the rejectee a second chance - so the question becomes, "does the rejected person allow the person who rejected them to reopen the discussion?" In that case, I'd have to think about it.

I tend to be too trusting, so I'd be a bit worried that the person was un-rejecting me for the wrong reasons. I would need to be reassured that the person wasn't just trying to get something out of me, only to re-reject me once they had what they wanted.

In most situations, however - if someone rejects me, I keep my distance from them. They really would have to make an effort to contact me with their un-rejection. I feel that once I ask & they say "No" - that's all that needs to be said. It's time for me to move on.

I've never been given a second chance just rejected. Where I live there is no one I particularly like. Where I live, neurotypical women would not been seen dead going out with someone who has AS. I now would not even be seen dead going out with a neurotypical which is what they would feel about me. Even taking that extra mile to find someone, it may actually be not worth it. Even If i like someone. I do but the feelings are not necessarily mutual and she lives with her parents so unfortunately any attempt on my behalf her parents would think of me as the biggest shithouse ever. Anyway I don't ask women out as I am not a sexual predator.

I've never been given a second chance just rejected. Where I live there is no one I particularly like. Where I live, neurotypical women would not been seen dead going out with someone who has AS. I now would not even be seen dead going out with a neurotypical which is what they would feel about me. Even taking that extra mile to find someone, it may actually be not worth it. Even If i like someone. I do but the feelings are not necessarily mutual and she lives with her parents, so unfortunately any attempt on my behalf her parents would think of me as the biggest shithouse ever. Anyway I don't ask women out, as I am not a sexual predator.

Somebody who can't make up their mind will 'love' you, then run the next. Takeing them back more than once can be damaging. I've had that a few times. I won't go forgiveing it again. To fall for someone's rumor without asking isn't a sign of trust at all. They need to work for it if they want it back. Why though, if they reject that fast?

I think it was specified very clearly by the original poster what provoked the change of heart, and it is neither of the things you listed. Rather, it is that a person had bad opinion of you because of rumors, and then their opinion change because they learned that rumors are wrong ... presumably through other rumors.



In my case I will make sure NOT to let the scenario of them "getting to know me" happen. If I am rejected, there are only two options:

1) Insist on finding out a reason why I was rejected and try to start a debate refutting that reason. Ultimately, this means trying to perswade them to be with me. If they agree the reason is wrong and still won't date me, point out the obvious contradiction.

2) cut that person off completely. No communication at all. If they ask how I am doing, no response.

Normally I start out from option 1 insist on it for a while, and when the other person refuses to participate in it despite several attempts on my part, I go on option 2.

To me, the whole "getting to know each other better" thing amounts to the admiting that they were right in whatever reasons they had in rejecting me. After all, by talking about topics other than rejection business, I implicitly say "you are right in rejecting me, and now lets move on to other topics, such as weather, movies, whatever". Well, since I don't want to imply they were right, I am not going to move on to other topics. This leaves 1 and 2 as the only possible options to follow.

The other thing is that if they did get to know me better and decided to be with me after that, this doesn't show that they no longer believe in their original accusation against me. Rather, it shows that they might have learned something else that overweigh that accusation, WHICH IS STILL TRUE. Well, I want to make a point of convincing them that whatever they originally accused me of is wrong. For that reason I would MAKE SURE they don't get to know anything else that would disract them, whether it be positive or negative.

Last edited by Roman on 22 Oct 2009, 8:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

It depends on two factors for me: how well they got to know me before rejecting me, and how quickly it took them to change their mind. If they already know me well enough for us to be considered close on any sort of platonic level, and they don't change their mind after maybe a couple of weeks, then forget it. Even if they're in the right frame of mind for it, which I would strongly doubt, I wouldn't be.

I really don't know how to answer this. Being rejection-avoidant, I've never actively pursued any guys.

You don't know that for sure. People don't always say what they mean, which is why you look at events surrounding their words. I would be highly suspicious if someone turned around and said 'oh, I've completely decided not to believe the rumours... let's be friends' without a more substantial reason behind it.

I was just throwing out ideas in my above post, but I fail to see how your explanation that they've 'presumably heard other rumours' is any less of a guess than my questions.