Anyone else with AS feel relationships are hard work?

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What I mean by that is I feel because of my AS I have to work at keeping and maintaining a relationship. I feel I can't be myself because I have to work at wanting to be with people all the time. So this automataccally makes me uncomfortable. Plus I feel if I am not perfect with the person I am with all the time she will leave me. She will not give me any kind of lee way with anything.

Anyone else with AS feel this way?

I feel exactly the same way.

Ive decided that the best thing for me is to just work on having close friendships insted.

I really cant cope with the stress created by trying to maintain a relationship, it outways any benefit. It feels like working toward a degree or driving licence but with no end.

Ive heard from several other aspies who have come to the same conclusions.

Relationships are hard work whether you're AS or not, no relationship is easy. If it's easy, then generally it's just bound to fail.

As far as always being perfect, I'd say that'd be the fault of your partner if they only perceive you as having to be perfect or whatever.

In a true relationship the other person will see you for who you are and accept you.

Throughout most of human history people lived in small towns.
By the time they were old enough to pair off and marry they all knew each other.

Today we live in a world of strangers.
Two strangers meet and tell terrible lies about who they are or where they came from because they want to seem better than they are.

This is called "dating".
The relationship starts with a bunch of lies so how can it succeed?

As a rule, I don't even have the emotional fortitude to start one much less maintain one. The one "serious" one I had was with someone I had known for a long time and just kind of fell into. He was not social either and we were comfortable around each other but that didn't stop the relationship from self-imploding.

Everything in life worth having requires work and effort. Relationships are no exception, and they are always something you have to work at no matter who you are. Relationships are a commitment, and in some way no different to a job.

The trick to life though is to find a job you love, and a person you love, so you get immense fulfillment and satisfaction out of devoting your time and energy to them.

Personally, epic fail on both.

I think in a relationship that it's the one time to truly be yourself & throw caution to the wind. If you can't, then what's the point of having one? I've found only a slim minority of girls to be able to put up with me the way I am naturally, which is why I'm single so often.

You really can't worry about this stuff. That would take all the joy out of it. Why do you want a relationship so bad if it's so awkward for you ken? You seem much better at being single.

I understand though-it's very seductive to think if only I had this or that then I would be happy. Learning to be happy as you are is quite a challenge, but the effort is rewarding.

Well, like the old phrase goes, "If its too easy, its probably not worth doing." For anything to work, you HAVE to put effort into it. Look at it this way . . . in a relationship, you only have to focus on 2 people, yourself and your companion. At least it isnt a group of people, or community. To those with AS, that 1 person could be your social teacher . . . but on the flip side, he/she is going to have to put in some effort as well. Its a 2 way street on the edge of a blade and can result in both individuals getting cut. If you're not going to put in any effort, then by all means, remain alone. How you go about it until then is entirely up to you . . .

Building and maintaining a relationship is work for everyone who wants a functional relationship. Has nothing to do with AS. You can't just put one on the shelf like a book and pull it down when you're lonely or horny or whatever.

Now, too much work sometimes? Oh, yes. I haven't dated in years, it takes more time and effort than I am willing to expend to meet someone, much less get a relationship going. There are very few women available (note: I do not say single or unattached) in my age bracket and where they hang out isn't any place I go.

I agree any close relationship is a work in progress. My relationship with my son is no different. Anytime two or more people live in close contact compromise is required. My issue with LTR of the romantic variety is finding someone who doesn't require me to be "on" all the time.

I know any type of relationship with people require effert. But I'm asking if others feel if its alot hard for people with AS because of AS. I feel it is. So much so I am starting to think it would be better to give up because its not worth it. Rejection is all I know.

KenM wrote:

I understand. There have been times I've wanted to ask people, please tell me why I am so unlovable. Because I see others have relationships and of course they are not perfect but at least they have a chance to try. I'm just tired of caring. I will never be with someone simply to satisfy a social expectation and I don't have the emotional energy to try to make something fit that isn't meant to fit. I'm older now, but in my youth I was often pursued but never for anything real or rather once they got to know me they figured I'd be too much of a social burden.

I feel that it's hardly worth continuing to search for someone, when my soulmate has been lost to her social anxiety and my other relationships since have either been too long distance or I didn't feel they are right for me. So it does feel hard to gain the romantic archetype.

Yes I think all relationships are hard work!

It is extremely hard if one person tries to work at it and the other bury their head in the sand.


I'm now wondering if my partner is also AS and possibly more pronounced in aspie aspects than myself in some areas!