Not sure how much AS friend cares.

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I know this maybe shouldnt be in the love/dating section, but it didnt seem to fit with "social skills, and making friends" because we're already friends. its a very dorky situation. . so please dont call me stupid or something.
i have an AS internet friend, and i care about him a lot. i am aware that i might be treading on the line of liking him, but dont want to go that deep as it is unwise, cause he is an internet friend, and ive never met him in real life. i might meet him this summer, and i am very, very nervous. (SA, worse if you know the person, but not fully, you know?)

well, it is frustrating! we have been very good friends for about 2 years now, talking virtually every night. i dont want to seem too attached or something, it's just that i tend to get very close to my friends, the reason i have few but deep ones. i do not like frivolous relationships in the long run.

how can i tell if he appreciates me as much as i do him? sometimes hes really unresponsive on msn, and i do often feel like i am innitiating the subjects. but then again, i do remind myself that we have kept in contact for 2 years, and he does say hi first often....and we can confide in one another things we dont really tell anyone else.
but we used to have more interesting conversations, they've sort of gone a bit more er...boring, lately. although occasionally we will have a big one (8 hours, a couple weeks ago was the record, i believe XD)
i am a paranoid person. i always worry people dont like me.
if i say "how are you to him" he wont always ask back. but we can get pretty interested in a conversation if it is about something we both enjoy, like RC cars, or sex. XD. or he will send me a song or funny link of what he's browsing.
but grr. it is frustrating, he never seems interested in people. like, if you ask him why he feels a certain way, he doesnt know why, and he never really talks about people at his school. and he doesnt really ask questions about me or anything, though he does seem to care if the situation is evidently stressful for me or something.
once he sent me a text for the first time, i said "awww, you should've called!" and then he did immediately after that...but it was SO awkward. he was really silent, and i had to innitiate everything, athough we sorta quietly giggled a lot. is it because he didnt know what to say?
he has a social group in real life, and he socializes, and a lot of people know him, and he doesnt get bullied, so he seems like he hasnt got THAT bad of social problems, although he failed with his girlfriend......
and he seems so emotionless, he claims he feels very few. but this is so hard to understand. could it be the fact that he is depressed? or could it be possible he really does not have a capacity to care for people? i hope it is just that he likes keeping them hidden...

i dont really know how to word this post. X(
like, does he seem like he doesnt care that much? or is it aspieness? should i stop talking to him? or could he be a worthwhile friend? im not sure, would my persistence get him to open up more, if he sees i am not going to just disappear?
basically my main concern is that i am liking my friend more than he is me. and i dont want to waste time on someone who simply doesnt care as much as i do.

Seems to me, since you are both Aspies, you would both have some basic understanding of each other's limitations. Your post seems to express your understanding of him.

So, if you understand how things might be for him, perhaps it is not too much of a leap to think that he might understand your concerns.

Which means asking him. Maybe the two of you need a short code to send each other in texts, so that each of you can reassure the other that the relationship is important, even if you don't know how to start a particular conversation at a particular time.

I find it always helps to have some "ready subjects" when talking on the phone. Or carry on the subject from the screen to voicing it. I sometimes have problems with emailing one person and talking to them at the same time. It feels like two different conversations and thus two different people.

I love being random myself, it helps keep the conversation carry on by having something new to talk about. Or just voicing what you are doing. Like stubbing your toe on something. Maybe go onto other stuff about stupid and silly things you do.

8 hours eh? Not much to talk about? I game longer than that -

Visagrunt- you dont think he would be wierded out if i bluntly asked him if he cared about me? if i brought up my concerns? i really dont want to look like i am trying to get into some romantic relationship with him. and i am concerned, since i am an internet friend, it may not be my place to have expectations of him. i am worried he might hold back, because he has had issues with relationships. i dont want him to think our relationship is unstable, non-understanding, and romantic, or might become such.
goodness. i am so paranoid about the way i come across.
a short code thing would be good. i dotn know how i could get across that idea though. really if i just KNEW my care for him wasnt futile, i could be very fine with it.

oh, and i am not sure i am an aspie. but i suspect. that's another thing! he doesnt know i suspect, because before i started thinking i might be one, i had jokingly told him, after he broke up with his gf, that he should find a fellow AS girl to be the love of his life. so telling him i think i have it could be awkward. XD

Keith- it would be good to be random the next call, but i think both of us are a bit afraid to call, after the first flop call. XD. i mean, he didnt even seem to attempt to be random.... i felt like he didnt want to talk to me. and i was trying to be random. it wasnt getting much response other than a little laugh.

XD the longest i've ever gamed is maybe, 2 hours? only time i ever completed a game, and it was a simple one i lose concentration EASILY.

Never underestimate the power of mooing. Seriously!

Sometimes you just have to go nonverbal for some of these things.

Asking "How are you?" Is often something that doesn't come naturally to me, as an aspie, and it's not because i don't care - i just forget. Knowing what kind of questions to ask is something i also find quite difficult. sometimes i want to ask questions but don't know if they're the right thing to say, and other times my mind just draws a blank. I'm useless at initiating conversations, and awkward silences I am VERY familiar with! I care about people a lot, but I often don't know how to show it or help.

Therefore, I can identify with your friend a lot. I'm sure your friend cares about you. I think his aspieness just means he shows it differently. Don't worry! Another aspect of being an aspie is that they are very blunt. He probably wouldn't still be saying 'hi' or talking to you if he didn't care, in fact he probably would have told you by now!

this is heartening. i hope it is the case. XD

i was thinking, in a more positive side, perhaps since he knows i am a friend now, he doesnt feel the need to constantly be talking? could that be?

I wouldn't worry so much about the talking. the only time I met an internet "friend" in person, many years ago, was a total disaster - and we really talked for hours on skype. but in person we had absolutely nothing to talk about and it was super awkward. so maybe not talking away constantly is actually a good sign?
at least you get used to the silence so it won't be uncomfortable.

or maybe he's just not much of a talker. I'm not much of a typer myself (extreme case of lazy) so I bet I come across that way to the people I talk to on IM as well. it doesn't mean that I don't care though.

and anyway, I'm not sure what you mean by "worthwhile" friend. sounds a bit like you expect him to entertain you :p you can't measure which one of you cares more anyway, so why debate it. if he didn't care at all I bet he'd just stop talking to you at all and focus on other things.

Yeah, that could very well be. But that's the quandary: how to let each other know that you still care, without expending too much energy by talking about it or making idle chitchat.

Hence the mooing. I am serious.

Yes, that could be the case, like the whole "companionable silence" thing. Also, once you get to know someone really well, sometimes you kind of run out of things to say/ask! It doesn't mean you like the person any less.

oh no....i hope we arent a disaster! D:. i am worried when i meet him, that way be.

well i dont get it, because his friend in real life (im also online friends with him) says he talks a lot in real life. but is secretly a bit of a recluse once you get to know him.

i dont mean i expect him to entertain. i just would like to know at least for example, i see him as a best friend, and he sees me as a friend only. in that case it might not be worthwhile. and i would liek to know he is reliable.

Stinkypuppy- you mean actual mooing? XD that's funny. once i called him to hiss at him (jokingly of course) and then hung up. it was funny.

i hope so. i like "companionable silence" . i know i dont like HIM any less. just hope he doesnt like me any less XD

Hmmm Maybe I'll call you for a fun conversation - we could be random together

I'm keeping a few subjects reserved for "in person" meeting only, I've just forgotten what they were - lol...

Yes, I mean actual mooing.

"moo?"

"Moo!"

"hmm..."

"?"

"Moo!"



It's funny, it's entertaining, just don't do it too often because otherwise he may start to take it and you for granted, and the whole code (what this essentially is) will lose its meaning. When you have this fundamental understanding between two people, it goes beyond words. Words just don't do it justice... which might be a reason why we often hesitate to talk about how we feel. We don't know the right words to use because they never seem to adequately express how we feel, especially if we're falling in love with the other person.

At any rate, assuming your friend is also AS, there's only so much you can do. Of course you can't push him very hard at all for him to open up to you about how he feels about you, so the best you can do is very very subtly and gently try to reach that fundamental understanding with him without pushing it hard. If he doesn't respond the way you'd hope, it means that either he doesn't feel the same way about it as you do, or he doesn't know how to react to it. But as long as you keep things light and make sure he has a way of expressing himself somehow, it's probably not too difficult to distinguish between the two possibilities.

hmm. perhaps we already have a system of the sort? it's meat. a conversation on MSN may be:

*silence*

"meat."

"MEAT?!?!?!?!"

"MEAT!"

"MEAT!"

":D"

"XD"


is that what you speak of?

Ah, so that's where MEAT MEAT MEAT MEAT... comes from

But yeah that's what I'm talking about.