Autistic boyfriend talks too loud

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I've recently started dating a wonderful guy. We both have autism. So much is falling into place, it's hard to believe. There's just one problem.

He talks REALLY, really loud. When we went out, the entire restaurant (literally) could hear everything he said. I was embarrassed. Not to mention that I have really hypersensitive hearing, and it was hard to handle the loudness all evening. Do I breach the tough subject with him, or do I realize that he's a great guy and it doesn't matter what strangers think, and try to hang in there with my sensitive ears?

People with autism/AS sometimes have problems regulating the volume of their voice. The volume of their voice is too high or too low. Try talking to him unless you don't mind.

I've run into this problem before.

Wince and clap your hands over your ears every time he does it. If he keeps doing it, remove yourself from the room.

It's not that he can't learn; it's just that he hasn't yet. You're about to find out whether he cares enough about you not to hurt you.

HH, your advice may work if it were a habit that this guy deliberately kept up, but I know myself (I talk extremely quietly) that volume control is almost impossible.

Even if constantly reminded, I feel like I am screaming my head off when I am still barely audible. I imagine SuperTrouper's boyfriend has the same problem in reverse.

Supertrouper, whilst I agree with HH's advice to remind him to tone it down in restaurants, and it should work briefly, it won't work long-term and if you start taking it personally as a sign that he doesn't care about you, you're heading for trouble; the poor guy doesn't even realise he's doing it!

Maybe rather than asking him to lower his voice, ask if he could change the subject instead if it's too personal to share with the world at large. It's easier to learn to avoid topics than change volume.

Ask him to lower his voice. Let him know he is talking too loud.

I disagree. He needs to be told he is causing physical pain.

You'll then find out what kind of person he is by how he responds to that information. It's cruel not to give him consistent feedback (such as wincing and clapping your hands over your ears) during the period he figures out a response. But a decent person will find some way to not hurt others, which may include getting professional help on the issue.

I am a loud talker, too. I know what it is like to be told all the time that you are too loud. It is very difficult for me to control my voice because the volume just has a way of creeping up on me. I can wisper and talk quiet in the appropriate situation (i.e. hospital, library, etc...), but no one lingers in any of these places for long. It is in my home setting that I have the most issues. I get annoyed when my family yells at me because I am too loud, but most of the time they just give me some sort of hand gesture or signal to tone it down a little. That doesn't bother me at all. Maybe you could try to work out a signal? It could work for you. Who knows!

Just an aside, I find that when I get very excited about something or am really passionate about something.... the volume goes WAY up. Try to see if you can see any patterns to his loud talking. If you think you can talk about it with him, see if he knows when and why he talks louder than his "usual loud". I am sure you know what I mean.... He likely knows he is loud and is more than likely not trying to hurt you or make you uncomfortable. I would recommend learning about each others sensitive points and trying to find a way to meet in the middle. You could probably learn to tolerate a little bit of volume and he could probably learn some signals that you are at the end of your ability to listen to the volume. Most likey, it won't be that big of a deal. It hasn't been too bad for me.

You can also try recording a typical conversation between you and your boyfriend and then play the recording back to him. That way he will realize just how loudly he is talking, and compare it to your voice so that he can gauge that a lot of his volume isn't necessary.

whipstitchs' notion of a hand signal when volume needs lowering is great -- that's for me in the past. Everybody wins with that one.

Yes, the hand signal works for me too. It works a lot better than being told to be quiet because you are being interrupted that way. The problem with me is never solved but at least I can consciously lower my voice for a while until I forget again.

My mom is a loud talker, and I don't think there's much you can do to fix the situatation. I will be watching the TV, and have to keep turning up the volume because she is drowning it out. Has he ever had his hearing checked?

my sister talks extremely loud, she is 6. I can hear her throughout the house. If she is close to me I simply tell her she is hurting my ears and go SHHHH. My mother says this isn't nice. She ususally can keep lower voice for a bit, or she takes it literally and whispers. Sometimes it doesn't work, sometimes it does. I don't think it's something that can be really controlled by the person if they have this problem.

I have a real problem with managing my volume when I'm enthusiastic or excited about what I'm talking about. My partner just tells me to use my "inside voice".