From lovers to friends-can it ever truely work?

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For the past 6 weeks, the boyfriend and I have been having a turbulent time in our relationship.
Between him being inconsiderate of my feelings and parental interference from both sides, the strain was plainly obvious to see.
The worst of it was the fact that he drinks too much and expects me to put up with it.

I've told him countless times how it makes me feel but it doesn't seem to make a difference. I tried to issue him an ultimatum- it's me or the drink-and though he promised to change his ways and take proactive steps in his life, I just couldn't see him getting motivated enough.

We had gone from having a fun relationship to slowly turning bitter and resentful over each other's faults.

I was beginning to feel unloved and unappreciated. I did everything for him-I was the one who got him forms for Council Housing and Rent Allowence, I was the one making all the plans for dates, I was the one who had to sit back and watch him drink himself silly.

We began to drift apart, no doubt helped by the fact that we were driven apart by his mother's psycho boyfriend (see my other posts). Because we no longer had any privacy, we could no longer be intimate together and all too soon, he even stopped holding my hand in public or even giving me a soft peck on the cheek.

He just wouldn't get his priorties straight.

We were supposed to save for a deposit on a flat together but instead, he decided to let his only income (Disabilty Benifit) pile up by not leaving the house or seeing me for weeks on end just so he could buy a laptop "quick as possible".

At this stage, I was lucky if I saw him once a week.

The final straw came on Wensday when we finally met up for a date. since I had just undergone an invasive gynogological procedure the day before, I wasn't up for anything that involved that much traveling, but he twisted my arm into going into town and soon, we were on yet another pub crawl.

After visiting three of them in the space of two hours, I'd had enough and told him how sick I was of the whole situation.
I told him how I felt as though I was dating an exact replica of my father (who was/is an alcoholic) and how I felt so undervalued and taken for granted by him.

Rather than put up a fight, my boyfriend openly admitted to all the grief and pain he'd put me through and together, we came to the decision to split.

The thing is, he says we'd be better off as friends but I honestly don't know if it will work out.

For all his faults, he was the first person I'd known in a very long time that really got me. Being an Aspie himself, it was easier for me to relate to him and to share common interests, thoughts and feelings.
We shared the same tastes in everything from tv shows and books to video games and philosophies on life.

Although my heart feels like it's slowly being squeezed by a vice, I would rather have him in my life as a friend than not at all. The only thing is-if we didn't work out as lovers, how is it going to be if we decide to see each other on a platonic basis?

I know it's going to difficult, for me in particular as although he's decided to the contuary, I still hold out hope that one day, when things are different and we both get our lives in order that we'll eventually get back together-however long it takes.
Yet I can't enter into this friendship with him if I know that it's going to be nothing more than a friendship.

I really don't know anymore.

It's been two days since we decided to split and I'm still raw.

I spent most of today getting my DVD collection back from his house and he seemed to be coping well enough. Maygbe it's because I put so much effort into the relationship that it hurts more for me.

Whatever the reason, I still want to make a go of things.

Taking away the drink problems, he's my best friend-a rarity in my life. I miss him deeply but if this is only going to end in heartbreak, would it be best to cut him off completely?

It is absolutely possible and acceptable to be friends with an ex.

I broke up with my last girlfriend 3 years ago, and she and I are still on excellent terms.

The main stigma to that may be jealousy if you were to get a new partner.

How did you make that transition, though?
Surely some part of you still pines for her?

I am friends with two former girlfriends. My handful of romantic relationships fell apart quickly, but fortunately I gained two friends, which in my view is a much better outcome. I don't pine for either of them (one is married, and I'm friendly with her husband, who has AS traits).

I have no idea about the transition. These women are NTs, and I let NTs handle these matters, since I'm completely clueless. I hope someone else can clarify that point.

It can go either way. I'm still friends with my HS GF, but I dread having to work with my last gf. (we're on the same disaster response team) I think part of it is how the breakup went. My HS GF and I just kinda drifted apart, and we realized that it wasn't working out as a relationship, so we ended it. My last GF, well, look back in the threads here, and you can see..

I'm concerned with this:

I know it's going to difficult, for me in particular as although he's decided to the contuary, I still hold out hope that one day, when things are different and we both get our lives in order that we'll eventually get back together-however long it takes.
Yet I can't enter into this friendship with him if I know that it's going to be nothing more than a friendship.

And this:

Whatever the reason, I still want to make a go of things.


If you are waiting around for him to be a real partner to you, and he's thinking of you as just a friend, you're opening yourself up to a world of hurt. I mean, if he got another girlfirend, it would really hurt you because you would be waiting for him and he wouldn't be waiting for you (because of the just a friend thing).

If you want to do the friend thing, it's a good idea to not think about you and him getting back together. If you're conflicted, give yourself some space and time to think about what's best for you.

I hope I have not been too blunt here, I do understand that you are in pain here. I hope things get better for you.

I can definitely work, but there will be a matter of adjustment...I have remained freinds...sometimes really good friends...with most of my exes.

My ex-bf is my best friend on this planet. We care deeply about and respect one another, and get along better now, I think, than we did when we were "involved."

That is pretty much the same scenario with my last girlfriend.

Don't feel bad if you find in the end you don't want to stay friends; it's your decision, even if he'd prefer otherwise.

I've only had one ex, and our relationship, whilst not alchoholic, was emotionally draining and I also felt at the end that I was more upset than he was because I'd put more effort into it.

We tried to remain friends; I thought it was the 'adult' thing to do and that I wasn't one of those bitter exes you read about all the time, but things did go belly up when I met my next boyfriend; the ex started laying on the guilt trips really heavily and constantly looking for sympathy from me, whilst making obscene comments about me behind my back... I decided anough was enough.

I think the initial 'friendship' helped soften the blow, but I no longer want to keep in contact with him and don't feel bad at all about it.

Whatever you do, don't hope that he's going to change and ask for you back; he didn't change one iota the first time, and just decided it would be easier to break up, so the second time would be the same. For your own sanity, I would recommend gradually cooling off the friendship as much as possible to protect yourself and watch out that you don't end up looking after him (e.g. filling out forms) or otherwise being used.

Unless you want to cause problems in any future relationship you might have, it's not really a good idea to remain friends with an ex. Most people don't want to be in a relationship with someone who's ex-lovers are still part of their life. The only exception would be if you had a kid together and had to be in contact because of the kid.

You will probably feel emotional pain every time you see him and are reminded of the break up, and the events leading up to the break up. If he starts dating someone else, it will also hurt you much more to see him with his new girl all the time than it would if you simply heard that he was dating someone knew from mutual friends.

The only reasons people want to still be friends when they break up are because they are hoping to get back together eventually, or because they don't want to seem like the "bad guy" in the relationship by being the one to completely cut all contact. You even said it yourself, you are hoping that you can get back together someday. It never works out with people break up and get back together, and you will only be setting yourself up to be hurt again. I know several people who keep going back to their exes over and over, and it always ends the same.

LOL! I love the blanket generalizations based on...what exactly? My ex-bf and I have no plans to get back together, and never did. We're intellectual equals who respect each other and value each others' opinions. We're extremely compatible, and have an absolutely wonderful - platonic! - time when we're in one another's company (which is, sadly, very rare these days, as he's in Chicago and I'm stuck here in the mind-numbing boredom of CT). Neither one of us has any reason to cut contact with the other; if we did, our lives would be far poorer for it. Each of us is the other's only "real" friend; our social deficits (I suspect that he's also on the spectrum) have crippled us throughout our lives. We support each other's efforts to grow as human beings, as well. Perhaps we're simply more evolved than most people...

I know that it hurts now, but believe me, it could work out that you can still be friends.

At one point I had to hide money in the hem of the curtain, because my son's father would have spent it all if he'd known I'd had a penny to buy food with. I had to shoplift tampons on a few occasions, he simply spent every penny we had. He wasn't an alchoholic, he was addicted to his sci fi, and spent every penny we had on comics, videos (in those days) novelisations. He refused to look for a job.

Guess what?

He got his act together.

Although we're divorced, he's a responsible, and loving parent to his son, he has a job, he's remarried, he's happy, he's not needy, or clingy, or prone to phoning me up at three in the morning...

He's fine, and he's one of my best friends.

My advice is this.

Allow yourself to grieve. The situation as it is really truly is unbearable. You are right to walk away. I won't go into the ultimate reasons I walked away, not on a public thread, but you have my sympathy. Honestly, the pain and frustration I felt was so bad that on occasion I thought my heart would stop. I kept having panic attacks thinking, "is it going to hurt this bad forever?"

It doesn't.

He also had panic attacks, thinking, "is this going to hurt forever..."

It didn't.

We both moved on.

Now, ten years later, he's one of my best friends, I even love his wife (no, not in that way, to any dirty lurkers) and I speak to him a few times a week on the phone. Part of this is because I did once love him, and my son is so like him. Knowing that I'm aspie, and he's aspie explains many of the problems we had. If we'd known it at the time we might never have split, but then I'd never have met my second husband.

The point is, life can be difficult. At the time it seems like the horror will never end... but you know what? It will. I nearly typed, "pray for him", but I'm going to say it anyway.

Pray for him, or whatever else you need to do to forgive him, and let the weight slip from your shoulders. He'll either pull himself together, as my ex did, or he'll not. Just accept, you loved him, you'll always love him in a way... that's a good thing.

And protect yourself, love yourself, and don't let yourself be hurt.

I could give you far more info via pm, if you're interested, but just to let you know, there is hope.

But if you are such a good match, why did you break up, and why don't you consider getting back together?

That's off topic. The original poster had a question about her relationship, with her Aspie boyfriend, who is dealing with his issues by alchoholism. Could we stick to addressing the concerns of the OP please? You can ask this question either in another thread, or via pm, surely? The OP needs help, whereas Rainbird is obviously not in any imminent need of help?

(Forgive me if I'm wrong Rainbird, but I think I'm right in saying the above?)

So... could folks focus on Shastania? Rainbird was trying to offer her comfort, hence her sharing personal information. Shastania is the one who is in immediate need of input and help, and that's why Rainbird posted, not to get sidetracked into talking about herself.

So basically, instead of moving on to form healthy relationships or friendships with people, you are holding on to the last remaining shreds of a failed relationship for no reason other than the fact that neither of you has any other friend. Sorry if I was being blunt, but based on observations of people I know, I didn't say anything that wasn't true.

Ex or not, it's not good to rely solely on one person who's your friend only because they too are socially inept. Been there, done that (wasn't ever in a relationship with this guy, but might as well have been), and it just keeps both people involved from moving on in their lives and forming actual meaningful relationships. (Back to the OP) Like your ex, this guy was the first person who really "got" me, but it just ended in us each enabling the other's unwillingness to actually socialize and grow as human beings. Common interests like TV shows, books, and video games aren't really enough, and those kinds of things can blind you into thinking someone who is all wrong for you is your perfect match.

From what the OP said, I was just trying to give the best advice I could. It sounded like the best thing would be to cut ties with the ex. It will probably take time to get over him, but it will be a lot easier if you don't have to see him on a regular basis. Try to go out and meet new people to forget about him. Eventually you'll make new friends who actually care about you, and when you're ready, you will meet someone better than your ex to start a relationship with. Just don't get sucked in to the trap of dating someone who is exactly like him. You said that he is exactly like your father. Try to identify the things about him that remind him of your father and stay away from guys like that.