Opinions On Aspies Dating One Another

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Considering my limited dating history, well-detailed in another thread, I consider it unlikely I have ever dated an aspie female, especially if the 1 female to every 4 males ratio I've read is correct.

This being the case, I'm wondering if the general opinion, which I'll measure anecdotally by responses to this post, is that aspies will have more success if they date other aspies. Obviously, this is a generalization of a hypothesis and there will always be obvious exceptions with any generalizations. My brooding cynical nature, particularly when it comes to relationships, wonder if this is reason to hope for success. Whether it is an aspie thing or merely a Frank thing I do not know, but something in my nature refuses to let me have hope without evidential basis. I would quite literally rather be miserable because I had my facts straight than happy because I had my facts wrong. So if this is a viable concept and worth a try, though I've not the slightest idea how one might go about tracking down aspie females in any sort of reasonable fashion, then it has my full and undivided attention.

-Frank

I know that what works for one person may not work for another.

That said, I would like to state my experience.

My first girlfriend was an NT, and she cheated on me throughout our entire 2-year relationship.

My second girlfriend was an Aspie, and she didn't cheat on me. We connected, but she was a bit needy and overbearing (I don't think it was because of AS). That relationship lasted almost 4 years, despite it being long-distance (we lived 1,200 miles apart). Also she wanted to wait 5 years to move to where I am (at the time, my major was geology and all of the jobs were either in Texas or California--she lived in Minnesota and I live in Texas). One year I can understand, but 5 years, in my opinion, was a lengthy and totally arbitrary time period in that case.

An AS-AS relationship can be beneficial because the two would be able to understand each other. However, it could be difficult if one is more flexible than the other, or if one has managed to overcome their sensory issues and the other has them intensely, etc.

I still prefer AS-AS pairings, almost entirely because of what my first girlfriend did.

I think Tim said it well.

My NT ex and I were the very best of friends, though he never really understood my desire to avoid socializing or why a crowded mall at Christmas (which he loved) totally freaked me out. I did leave him after 5 years of marriage, mostly because I hadn't had a chance to figure things out and live my life yet. I married him when I was 17. I think if we'd met later, it would have been better.

My AS husband and I have our issues, but we also understand each other in a way most don't. I think he has far more sensory issues than I do and I often feel quite disconnected from him, even to the point of lonely.

I guess AS/NT doesn't matter, but who the person is instead.

I don't really have experience of either, but I'd imagine two Aspies would have an easier time understanding each other's thoughts and feelings than an Aspie and an NT would...

I'm would be all for it. In fact, I hope it happens to me someday. I would be very happy with an aspie female.

As I have said elsewhere, I have, ever since my engagement fell apart, known that I seek no quality in a woman more urgently than I seek rationality. Being reliably rational is something that popular opinion seems to think women incapable of. Hence my comments about relationships being undesirable because I cannot imagine anyone worth spending the rest of my life trying to figure out what it is I did. Virtually any disagreement can be resolved, even if that resolution results in the dissolution of the relationship itself, as long as everyone is willing to be consistent and logical. What concerns me is not that the next woman I date would break up with me, but that she wouldn't, and that she would further confuse things to where I was not sure whether or not I should either. Such smokescreen is the only reason the relationship in question proceeded to engagement. Had this woman been rational and straightforward I would have run screaming for the hills and so would she, as would would've both realized that we could only cause one another misery. An Aspie woman, based upon my incredibly new and limited understanding of aspies, seems more capable than your NT woman of being capable of being rational, logical, and straightforward when it comes to matters of the heart. Any woman capable of such things would be a woman I could get past a lot else with and even if I couldn't, that would be evident to both parties fairly rapidly.

-Frank

Agreed.

I've often wondered about the likelihood of success, in an Aspie to Aspie relationship. The few men that I've known or met, with AS, either irritated me or aroused my pity. I've yet to feel attracted. This is not to say it's impossible, just what I've experienced so far. I think I would require a mate to be more perceptive than I. I fancy that otherwise, there would be a multitude of opportunities to cause each other emotional pain.

considering that this is the only place I've ever even heard of one...

Of course, that depends upon what you mean by perceptive. When it comes to picking up on another person's emotions...what most people mean by perceptive in a romantic context...I was under the impression that AS individuals are somewhat distinguished from NTs due to their inability to do this.

-Frank

To me the most important thing in finding a relationship with a woman is that she understands me. Aspies have an ability to understand each other. It seems that women, however, have a different set of values of what they want in a partner. They highly value the man's ability to navigate the outside world and protect her from it when it gets harsh. That's why we would be seeing that aspie females aren't as interested in aspie males as we are them. I don't have relationship experience. I hope that what I find is that a normal woman would have as much capacity to understand me even if I can't see it right now.

Well, I tend to have emotional tank armor, so I'm fully prepared for the idea of being rejected by every aspie woman on the face of the Earth. In fact, that would be some of the easiest rejection ever. Clear and rationally explained. Something along the lines of, "You repulse me you balding fat man who still spends way too much time thinking of superheroes. I'm giving you five seconds to walk away before I melt your eyes straight out of your skull with my jumbo mace can here." Compared to some of the misdirection I've received throughout my life this is downright humane.

-Frank

Which is probably why I would fare better with an sensitive, caring NT.

Exactly. I didn't realize until you put it that way, that I must be perceiving the inability of most Aspie men to read a situation, as putting them and the female they are with, at risk for danger. I was once out with a group of acquaintances. which included one Aspie gentleman. A panhandler approached the group and started telling some poor luck story, designed to gain him money. My impulse was to tell him to get lost. The Aspie guy started explaining that he had Asperger's Syndrome, (which I am positive the beggar never heard of) and how it affects his ability to discern if people are telling the truth, or not. I was amazed.

Well that seems to bring up a pretty interesting point. Though AS individuals may not pick up so well on emotion, this does not make them or their emotional state unimportant to them. I'm pretty dispassionate myself and if I want other people to know my emotional state I directly and clearly tell them about it. Again, this may be more of a Frank thing than either a male or female thing or an AS or NT thing. From my experience though, being bad at picking up on emotions has caused me to have low expectations for anyone to be able to do the same for me. I know this because I tend to tell people too much information about my emotional state and they complain about it to me eventually. This is another thing NTs do that the AS in me can't stand. If a person is irritating them by something they are doing, their reaction is to not say anything and send invisible, to the AS anyway, signals that they should stop what they are doing. So eventually, rather than directly tell the AS individual to stop calmly, they either blow up at them or, if at work, complain about them to their superior. Is politeness really so important to NTs that they would rather get someone fired or yell at them than be direct and clear and risk impoliteness? Is politeness so important in a relationship that you will break up with a person before you will directly explain your emotional state to them? It seems strange to my mind that the entire social structure is built upon a barely noticeable and inaccurate system of nonverbal cues combined with intellectually and morally bankrupt notions of politeness.

As to the panhandler, my policy of not trusting most human beings would've covered that one.

-Frank

I do worry about the fact that I might would be overly affectionate but I think I can adjust if it is too much for any aspie woman I may be with. I'm not affectionate with anyone else and haven't had any practice with a woman in a relationship so it will be a learning experience for me. I have a lot of built up affection that I am waiting to pour onto a lucky aspie female.