Need Help....Pretty Please?
Okay. Here goes...I've had this guy attracted to me since January of last year in another state. I was doing the second half of my senior year in a community college to get credit towards my diploma and also to get ahead in college. I was 18, and he had to be about 20-ish. We met in a public communications course, and I had given some very in-depth speeches on several subjects, most notably on Nutrition.
When he first came up to me, it was with questions on the subject. His father was not in very good health. I gave him advice; then he smiled and left. Then we got more in-depth into other subjects each time we met, which was every other day.
At first, I thought nothing of it...I thought that he came to me simply for answers to questions--math, philosophy, science, art, politics, etc. As the weeks passed, I saw that he was becoming more involved with me, like he was attracted to me. I prayed to God that it was just my sick imagination...that my mind was just going wild from stress of my academic load.
Well, it was for real...damn it. He confessed that he had a crush on me since our first class. I tried to seem like a total, insufferable nerd so that he would be repulsed and move on to another girl, who had been having her eye on him during that time. That tactic failed...It used to work so well, too.
Winter blosomed into spring, spring brightened into a blazing summer, and the summer withered away along with the leaves upon the trees. Soon, because of my education plan and family affairs, I moved to Arizona, approximately 300+ miles away.
He kept calling me every single night, and e-mailing me every other day, and catching me on Facebook every chance he had. I had hoped that once I had moved, he would lose interest in me, just like most of my friends had; apparently not.
What scared me the most was that he wanted to take a week, and spend some of it with his buddies and most of it with me.
I tried for the last time to convince him that I was not worth his attention. I even sunk so low as to hide behind the dreadful stereotype of Aspies not being able to love (the said stereotype is false, for those of you who are new; I read studies on such events.)
Now, I'm all out of ammo. I need help. I would love to be friends with him, but I don't want him to be into me. Just because I'm different from most girls my age in many aspects (one of the reasons why he says he's attracted to me, by the by) and I'm the first girls he's fallen for does NOT mean that I'm the end-all, be-all.
I want to convince him that there are more women out there...but I don't know how anymore.
I mean, the only guys I've ever been friends with were either gay, family, rough, have treated me like one of their own, or manga/anime-obsessed cosplayers. I never had to go through this crap with them.
This seems like a cliche from the thousands of chick flicks ever made.
It's drama I don't need or want.
Please...I need help.
TheMinnesotaIceman
Toucan
Joined: 1 Dec 2009
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 262
Location: Twin Cities, Minnesota
*sigh* Hoo-boy, that's a tough one. I've never experienced anything of this sort. The best thing you can do is politely, but firmly, continue to tell him, in no uncertain terms, that you have no attraction to him whatsoever, and that the furthest you are willing to go is being friends. Admittedly, this does sound a bit disturbing. I know some guys can feel head-over-heels over a girl, but this dude is going a bit overboard. It sounds like he might have (and I mean no offense) OCD. Is he obsessive over other things, as well?
There isn't any mention of direct rejection in your post. Have you told him very firmly something along the lines of, "I'm not interested in you, and I'm not going to be. This isn't your fault, so don't take it hard, I'm just focusing on my school, my life, and have no interest in pursuing anything with you now or in the future. I value our friendship and I think I've illustrated that over the many months we've known each other. Please slow down your communication with me, I don't want to have to cut it off completely."
I've basically recited the above to guys before with good results. It keeps it honest, clean, and to the point. Basically, I highly recommend being direct and firm with him about what you want.
Oh, Minnesotan Ice Man replied before I could and it looks like he agrees with my approach.
Hmmm, idk.
Am sorta curious though, why so against it ?
Don't think you're good enough for anyone?
Don't like him personally?
Or possibly you're just one of the type of aspies who avoids relationships like the plague?
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I want to say it sounds like you've got potential stalker material. But, you say you're the first girl he's fallen for? If that's the case (and i'm a little hesitant to believe that someone who is 20ish years old hasnt been smitten over someone before) I can see him just not knowing what to do with his feelings and over-reacting on them, not exactly stalking you. If you lived close though I bet he would be stopping by on a much too regular basis and making it even worse.
Like minnesota said, you just have to be firm. You'd like to be friends with him, but if that's just not one of the options he's looking for then it just might not be an option for you either. It seems like it makes you feel real uncomfortable so communicate that to him, let him know the friendship as it stands is very uncomfortable for you being that you are aware of his feelings for you and they are not shared and you just dont want to communicate with him. Seems harsh, but it's a life lesson people need to learn, just cause you love someone doesnt mean they have to love you back, sorry that you're the one he'll have to learn it on.
It's temporary though, he'll hopefully get over you and move on and hopefully you'll be able to spark up the friendship again.
_________________
?It's a sad thing not to have friends, but it is even sadder not to have enemies.? - El Che
I agree with Orbyss; say it to him straight out that you don't want him coming round and that you aren't romantically attracted to him. Preferably over the phone or in a public area (in case he flips).
Avoid him afterwards, at least until he cools down, and if he keeps harassing you, tell the cops.
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