Need help making an Aspie and Aspie relationship work!

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Hi everyone,

I haven't posted here in probably over two or three years, but I've been lurking again recently due to the resurfacing of some old issues.

On the bright side, me and my boyfriend are ecstatically happy with each other. We are madly in love and have both never connected to anyone as well as we connect to each other (despite the fact that we have both dated a fair amount). We are each other's best friends and just "get" each other. Also, to those who are interested, we met online via facebook, he messaged me, we met one on one and were basically dating the same day. Neither of us knew the other had aspergers, my boyfriend has only really found out about a month ago, although I suspected it the day I met him.

We have been together for a year and a half and have lived together for about nine months. We were forced to live together because I was kicked out of my house by my mother (who had a thyroid problem that made her very irritable and who was very unsympathetic about my aspie issues). It has been really challenging, but at this point neither of us can imagine living apart. I asked him if he wanted me to leave and we could go back to dating and he broke down in tears and begged me to stay with him.

Anyway...we have several sources of conflict that are not huge and are not relationship threatening, but the meltdowns (on his part) and shutdowns (on my part) blow these problems way out of proportion.

One of our main sources of conflict is entertainment. His obsession is old Doctor Who (cataloguing things, collecting things, watching the shows, reading the books, etc, etc). I like the new stuff but only slightly enjoy the old stuff.

If it were up to him all we ever do would be watch Doctor Who, but I have little to no interest in watching it. I always say we can watch it if he wants to, but that I am not interested. Usually we end up not watching it, but he will end up bringing it up at some point nearly every week saying he never "gets to" watch it.

We tried setting days to watch it, but most of his days he would give to me saying he knew I wasn't interested so I could pick. I would say it was okay, but he would always say, no just watch what you want.

He won't watch it alone. He is gone a LOT of the time and so doesn't really have time to watch it with friends, but he also doesn't have any friends except for a couple of girls who just want to have sex with him (he is a very niave aspie) and I am not comfortable with him hanging out with them and he doesn't really care about them at all.

Any thoughts on how to handle this situation? I know it sounds stupid, but it's something that bothers him on a daily basis because he is so obsessed with Doctor Who.

Another issue we have is that he takes EVERYTHING seriously. I don't know if this is an aspie male trait or just who he is, but he takes every little thing soooo seriously.

For example, if I say or do something that he doesn't like or doesn't understand, he melts down almost every time. The severity ranges, but it is always hugely disproportionate to the situation. I try to help him and ask him what he wants, but he can almost never answer or he asks for something that I already gave him. Basically, I don't think he knows why he's melting down or what he's looking for.

Usually he says I don't understand, but I do. Before, after, and during I understand what he's saying and where he's coming from and tell him repeatedly.

I don't know how to avoid these meltdowns. He cries when I ask him to stop or tell him that he's scaring me because he feels so guilty. He says he is trying as hard as he can. We went to couple's therapy for a bit and it helped tremendously, but it has only made it happen less, not reduce the severity of the meltdowns. The therapist told us to make another apointment after he had another meltdown, which was 3 weeks later and then my bf didn't think that was bad enough to go back.

Now it's happening about once every 1-2 weeks. Is this something that is a part of who he is? Can it be changed? Can I help in any way? My brother who is an aspie did the same thing for years and then one day just stopped and never did it again. Can it be waited out?

Also, by meltdown I mean: saying things he doesn't mean, screaming, punching the wall, punching himself, pulling at his hair, breaking things, storming out of the room.

I should also probably add that he is 22 and was raised by very authoritarian parents who never let him do anything and never let him express emotions.

I am also not saying i don't cause or make it worse, but I don't know and he doesn't know what it is that is making him upset. He just says I frustrate him.

Any thoughts?

This is why I will only date people with the same interests.

I tend to take a lot of things seriously, and I think it's an AS trait.

Here are some new, recently published books that should help you...

"Getting To Grips With Asperger's Syndrome" by Carol Hagland. It is a practical, problem solving guide for individuals caring for
and supporting an adult with AS. This book will help you to understand conditions/difficulties that AS may cause for your boyfriend and how you can be supportive in the most beneficial way.

"22 Things A Woman Must Know"...If She Loves A Man With Asperger's Syndrome by Rudy Simone

"Alone Together...Making An Asperger Marriage Work" by Katrin Bentley and a forward by Dr. Tony Attwood

""Our Journey Through The High Functioning Autism And Asperger Syndrome" by Linda Andron and forwards by Dr. Tony Attwood, Ph.D and Liane Holliday Willey

Best of luck to you!

Nope.



Yup.



Nope.



Nope, because time isn't the issue.

He will stop when he decides to stop. If he decides that this sort of behavior is simply not allowed, he will make sure he doesn't do it anymore. It's really that simple. Until he decides that, he'll keep doing it.



Yes. This is not someone you should be with. You should never, ever be with someone who breaks things and punches walls.

Thanks for the suggestions!

I will definitely check those books out!

I know it is not desirable to be with someone who breaks things or punches walls, but we both have our issues that we are overcoming together and I believe that supporting him through it is necessary and loving. We are perfect for each other and our therapist said that he genuinely believes we can work it out.

Also, how many aspies have had meltdowns with their parents, but still want a romantic relationship? I think he deserves love as long as he is trying his best, which I know he is.

I'm really looking for advice for both of us. He has not found any techniques that work for him, but our therapist is also not trained or knowledgeable about aspergers, so perhaps just doesn't have the expertise to help him cool down? The NT techniques don't make him feel better for a long long time, possibly because they are not attacking the right source???

I think it's increasing in frequency because he's getting away with it. You say his parents were very authoritarian and didn't let him express emotions, so perhaps he never had to learn how to control them himself.

With regards to Dr Who, I think you've been accomodating enough. It sounds like he won't be happy until you suddenly morph into a huge fan. Maybe explain to him that you won't ever like it on the same level and he'll just have to accept that. The giving you the remote and then complaining about it later is just passive-aggression, and there's no need for you to change what you like just to humour him.

You need to be very clear with him that punching walls and generally acting like a five-year old is not the sort of behaviour you expect in an adult relationship and that you won't tolerate it anymore.

If you can, patch things up with your mum so you have somewhere to go when things get rough; a period of being on his own might make him wake up a bit.

He doesn't need help cooling down. His angry outbursts have nothing to do with that.

The only thing that can cause angry outbursts is for someone to decide they're an acceptable thing to do.

If and only if he decides they're not acceptable, then he will stop.