life support

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...my relationship is on it.

my gf keeps talking about how she's not feeling it anymore... I really want this to work and I've been working my hardest to see it work... and yet I feel like my hardest isn't good enough... I love her with all my heart and for a while there she was returning the sentiment, but not so much anymore...

For now, we're still in this, so it's not completely over, but I get the idea that the writing is on the wall now.

I feel like such a failure...

Oh no, not feeling it anymore?

Are you two communicating with eachother, I know that for me aspergers made it tough for me to stay in a relationship b/c I had trouble communicating and reciprocating my feelings with my ex.

How long have you two been together?

I think we've been communicating well... it's just that she's had a pretty much complete change of heart...

we've been together for a few weeks, nothing of any particular length...

Oh crap.

Sorry to hear that Toad..

I hope this doesn't keep you from getting out there in the game though. I've always been taught that rejection is part of dating. I know for me I take rejection too personally so I'd be hypocrite if I said move on but I've known many people who seem to do just that until they find someone whom they feel compatible with.

I really hope you find someone, you seem to come across as a good person. The only thing that does concern me is you seem to be hard on yourself and that isn't always healthy. Not that I'm saying this had anything to do with it but maybe if you gave yourself some credit and stopped thinking so negatively yourself. It seems to and this is just my own observation that people who like themselves a lot are more apt in attracting people.

However as I said before I know at least for me it's very hard to like yourself especially if you struggle in some areas people take for granted such as social skills.

I really hope this doesn't affect you regardless of what happens. You seem like an intellegent guy who know what he wants.

Kiddo, it's only been a few weeks. You may be very infatuated with this girl, but you don't love her with all your heart. (And I know in that crazy rush of a new relationship it can so easily feel like overwhelming love....but it's just a crush.) Real love takes a while to grow, and it has to be mutual...the only feelings that can flourish in the absence of mutual affection are based on fantasy - your idea of what the other person is, and/or what she means to you.

By the same token - how could this possibly be your failure? Relationships don't work for all kinds of reasons. Please don't internalize this, hon, or you'll give this disappointment so much more meaning than it deserves (and I know you're disappointed). Please try and remember that every relationship you have will fail - until you find the one that doesn't. You seem like a nice guy - you just have to keep taking chances on love...the right girl is out there.

I think you misunderstand, we've been good friends for over three years before we decided to start a relationship. I wouldn't have it any other way; the love and dedication that I feel for those that I would call friends is an important foundation for developing romantic attraction. Hell, I can't even feel attracted to strangers at all, no matter how hard I try... I guess what my point is is that this wasn't a decision made lightly, by either of us.


Except that this was my last chance... my church only has two major demographic groups: married couples with children, and the children thereof (up through high school). The extenuating circumstances here (specifically that I'm dating someone 4 years younger than me) is not something that I could repeat with an even wider age gap. Considering that almost all of my social contact in the real world is somehow involved with said church, unless the church experiences a very rapid regrowth of late 20s/early 30s people, I won't be able to make any friends in my age group. And, as I said, I need to be friends first before any romantic attraction can develop, so that chain of events pretty much bars me from ever finding love again...

it's normal that couples feel fed up with each other from time to time. maybe it will pass. fingers crossed!

I'm sorry....I only went with the info in the post, so I didn't know you had been friends with this young lady for three years.

Now I'm going to argue with you, so get ready. I'm having a hard time believing you both took this decision very seriously if she's willing to throw in the towel after two weeks. However, given the fact that she's 17 years old, she actually may have been taking it as seriously as a 17 year old girl can (which means she wasn't taking it seriously at all, cause she's a kid).

Second, she is only your last chance at love if you let her be. It's your decision to limit yourself to dating only the people in your church. There are lots of solutions to that problem: ask people within your church to introduce you to nice people who may not be in your church right now; find another congregation; join organizations related to your other interest(s) and meet people that way; open yourself up to meeting people through school or work. You need to understand that the only thing that's barring you from ever finding love again is your choice to look no further than your church for potential mates. However, if you decide that you want another chance at love (and marriage, and children, etc.), all you need to do is change your paradigm. Think about it.

Whoa, you're 21 and she's 17? Let it go. That's skating on the thin edge of ethics.

Don't worry about it... it's not like I was being clear on the matter...

Well, she hasn't resolved to throw in the towel entirely, but she has pulled back a lot recently, which to me is a sign that perhaps she does want this to end. Yes, she did say outright that she wants this to continue, but I'm not sure as to whether that's what she wants in her heart, and of course it would be unethical for me to keep her in a relationship that she didn't really want to be in...


If there were more than 24 hours in a day, perhaps. Between my church and my college however, pretty much all of the free time that I can give is taken up... so the only time I have to socialize is when I'm "on the job", as it were, doing things at the church. Perhaps in the future I could have some general social opportunities while literally on the job at a real job, but since most employers have fraternization and harassment policies, it's not like a relationship could happen from there...

And it's not like I can go to a bar or club or have someone introduce me to some random woman that I've never met before... that's not how attraction works with me. As I've said earlier in this thread, I don't feel any attraction at all towards strangers, it's only when we've been friends for some time that attraction would even begin to develop...

It's not like there's anyone my age lining up. It's not like there's even anyone my age around anymore... I feel as though I am the sole representative of my own generation now...

Wait, what? Your response to your situation being ethically questionable is, "but I want to"?

You are spending all your free time with this church group? Maybe that's the problem right there. Maybe it's time to expand your horizons some. There are only 24 hours in a day, yes, but if you spend them all either at school or in this church group...you're spending too much time in this church group.

And also, yes, lots of employers frown on interoffice romance (and with good reason) but that doesn't mean that your job is devoid of relationship opportunities. It means that you need to socialize with your co-workers outside of work so that you meet their friends (friends who are not also co-workers). I was introduced to my husband by a co-worker.

I didn't realize this girl was so young. The age difference means less and less the older you get, but she isn't even an adult yet so she really isn't old enough to be a man's everything- especially a man who is 21 and that she has known since she was 14. She may have realized she isn't ready for anything so serious. Maybe step it back a notch and don't try to impress on her that she is your everything. Because she really shouldn't be. If you can step it back a notch, she may stick around long enough to become an adult (hopefully she's closer to her 18th birthday than her 17th) and figure out what she wants. I had a highschool boyfriend at that age but he was 17 also. The fact that you are 21 is probably both thrilling to her (because she is excited about the prospect of becoming an adult, which you represent) and scary. You have known her since she was 14 so that makes you far safer than a 21 year old she just met, but even so, i has to be intimidating on several levels even if I am sure you are trying your utmost not to be intimidating. But the mere fact of that age gap has got to be messing with her head.

And go where? My church is the only place I've ever seen in real life that not just accepts aspies for who they are, but also provides a comfortable place that allows said aspies to be themselves without fear of ostracism... putting me in a different church or social group is just as good as putting me out on the street: I won't know anybody around me, and I'll just get incredibly defensive and refuse to take part in anything anymore...


Except, as I've said before, I need to be around someone for a long period of time before I become attracted... I'm not going to be attracted to a coworker's friend that I just met, no matter how attractive she might actually be...

Toad, I'm really sorry to hear things are on the rocks.

I think if your girlfriend is not 'feeling it' anymore, then you need to ask her is it salvagable (e.g. if you worked at some aspect, would it get better) or not. Let her be honest; the worst thing you could possibly do is put any kind of pressure on her at this time to stay with you.

It's early days in your romantic relationship and hopefully not too late to reverse it completely should she decide to end things. It would be a shame to lose a friend of 3 years because of a brief relationship; I hope things can go back to normal for both of you.

I know you'll feel heartbroken and rejected, even if it was only brief, but I honestly don't think you could pssibly be soley to blame; as HopeGrows pointed out, she's only 17 and nobody knows what they want at that age, and even if they do, it changes as people get older. Rest assured, she will feel sad if it ends too, even if it was her decision.

Try to hang in there. Hopefully things will look up for you.

I'm not quite sure how, age of consent is 16 in New Jersey.