Is it normal for people to be bias about their partners?

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My husband is really biased about me. He thinks I am the most beautiful woman in the world and thinks my body is perfect.
I have even tested him by pointing at girls who are thinner than me and say "I wish I was that thin" and he say "you are" or is it one of those rules where you have to tell the woman that?
He even says I'm skinny as a rail.
But I am not bias about him. He asked me if he is more handsome than Johnny Depp and I said no. He laughs. I don't even think he is the most handsome guy in the world or thin. I don't even think he is better than all the other men in the world. I don't think his body is perfect or that great.

So are people really bias about their partners like parents are with their kids?

I don't know.

I know that my partner is not the most attractive man in the world. Even when we first met he wasn't, "my type." I have never been unrealistic with him--I praise the characteristics in him that are praiseworthy (e.g. his generosity, his creativity) and I have learned to be gentle or silent about his faults.

It may be that NTs have a more innate sense of, "telling someone what that person wants to hear." But if I was on the receiving end, I would find myself somewhat frustrated by the inherent superficiality implied by that.

I think it's both.
People can look different depending on how you feel about them. If you associate them with good things, if you look at them and feel safe and comfortable and relaxed and happy, you're going to like the way they look, because you'll associated how they look with how you feel when you're around them. So looks aren't always looks, they're feelings too.

But also, it's definitely a rule that you're supposed to tell your partner that they're gorgeous and wonderful and all that stuff..

Yeah, we definitely do that - telling a person what (we believe) they want to hear. (Think of the million or so jokes you've heard about a woman asking her husband if she looks fat in something - any answer is fine, as long as it's not "yes!").

But there's a bit more to it. When you're talking about your partner (particularly a spouse, because you've made a life-long commitment to them), ideally you've made a decision to accept them - flaws and all. I think that particularly applies to physical appearance...as an NT, when I love someone, I love the whole package. To me, that means I don't really care if a guy's not a ripped, @ss-kicking alpha male with a washboard stomach and a full head of hair. If he's a bit doughy, if he's balding, if he doesn't care about hitting the gym so he can be massive, if he'd rather reason with someone than physically intimidate them - I don't care, because his little balding head is part of him; his little paunchy tummy is his tummy....everything physical about him just serves as window dressing for his beautiful little soul and kind heart and decent character - and that makes it all good to me.

I think that's why, as a woman, I've fallen for guys who are not my "type" - when I get to know and love a man's character, his body just becomes attractive to me.

So your husband could be just telling you what he thinks you want to hear, but he's probably also communicating that he doesn't find any of those women you point out to be as attractive to him as you are. True, they might be thinner, or built better or whatever - but they're not (and never will be) you. He chose you, and I think he wants you to know that he'd choose you over any woman you point out to him. It may be kind of a round about way of doing it, but I think that's his intent.

I am kind of wondering why you point out other women to compare yourself to, though. I don't get the feeling it's about insecurity....maybe more of an objective test of some sort? There's always going to be a disconnect there, however, because love is anything but objective. Is it possible for you to accept - again, based on a very subjective opinion - that you are the most beautiful woman in the world to your husband? Cause I think that's how he feels, and I think you're one lucky gal.

Last edited by HopeGrows on 27 Nov 2009, 3:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.

When we love someone and we're close to them, of course we see things in them, and about them, that others don't necessarily. I don't think it's so much bias as it is knowing more about them. There's also of course the affection factor.

Neither my husband nor I look nearly as good as we did when we met. We're both pretty realistic about that. But when you've been together a while and feel committed, and know all the beauty inside a person, and especially when you've been through some really hard times and know you can count on that person, all that superficial stuff doesn't matter.

Your body is perfect to 'him'--most beautiful to him, if he cares about you more than anyone bias in that case isn't completely wrong. But its still in a sense double talk. I don't think there's anything wrong with being biased or being non biased, if it works in a relationship, its acceptable.

I mean thats just my take, for all I know he does view you that way in an overall sense and i'd see it as just a compliment and as you being valued immensely by him.

what do you like about your husband Spokane girl?

I wonder if the intensity of feeling between you and your husband is not quite even?

Perhaps you are just more objective and less swayed by feelings?

Did you feel the same in other relationships?


I certainly think my boyfriend is much hotter than Johnny Depp, when I go about town with him, I pity all the poor other females who do not have someone as fantastic as him. I even often feel guilty that I should have someone so sexy and lovely.

He might not want to offend you.

cognitive dissonance - people don't want to think that they've married someone who's fat and ugly. that would make them feel uncomfortable with having made a wrong life choice. so even if their spouse happens to be fat and ugly, they convince themselves that either a) they are not; b) fat and ugly is what they dig;

I love how he accepts me and works around my problems. I love how he isn't needy and clingy. I love how he knows I do care and knows I show it by cleaning and taking him grocery shopping. I love how he knows I do have empathy, even if I don't show it well. I love how he sees everything positive about me. If you asked him what's it like being with an aspie, he wouldn't be able to answer because he doesn't know. It's like asking someone what's like being with their wife or husband. He just sees me as me, not the label. He doesn't lump my behavior into a condition. He rarely does. He sees me as Beth. He says I'm normal for being me. Even my first ex saw AS as a different way of thinking but never even bothered looking it up. His excuse was it wouldn't be about me. There is no book or page that talks about me. But my husband took the effort to read some about it. His friend showed him her report on autism she wrote and read Pretending to Be Normal. What's funny was, Beth also read that book in the movie Adam to understand the condition more.


I wasn't bias about my ex's either if that's what you meant by your last question. I didn't see them as hot or handsome. They were both fat. I never thought they were ugly. Ugly and unattractive are two different things. Not being handsome doesn't equal ugly. There are hardly ugly people in the world. There are just lot of average looking people. It took me a while to realize my husband is handsome. When I first met him, he was average looking but my parents thought he was handsome. But he isn't that hot. It's his personality I liked and him being understanding and accepting me.

It depends what they find attractive.

I know its possible I would love to find a man who I was his number 1.

All the men I have been with tend to find problems with me other women dont have.

Its sounds like you love him very much and hold him in high regard, I think the difference in his and your attitude to partner bias, probably just stems from different personalities. Some people are more romantic and flamboyant in how they feel things (more passionate) where as others are more pragmatic and practical and down to earth.

Do you lust after your husband? It could be that you love him but are not full of lust for him?

I think cognitive dissonance would only play a part if a person 'ended up' with someone and had not persued them.

When I first saw a photo of my boyfriend on a forum about a year before we started dating, I was blown away with how hot he was. I thought he was the most attractive man I had ever seen. I actively persued him and still cant believe that I could be lucky enough to have caught him. I do not think that I find him so attractive because of cognitive dissonance.

<edit>

here is a couple of videos of him Anna, you must admit he is hot

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oUVIzMEHnl8[/youtube]

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2q9cnkT8-z8[/youtube]

Last edited by lotusblossom on 28 Nov 2009, 5:31 am, edited 1 time in total.

kingtut3 and anna-banana have thoroughly unromantic explanations, but with me being typically unromantic I find them to be the most likely. I've known women to explain to me what their "type of guy" was and it tended to change with who their boyfriend was at the time.

Sometimes but not often. I only do it for the babies and to make him happy. He is fine with once a month. In fact I owe him it when my period ends but I'm always unmotivated to do it. I get so stuck in my routines and computer I don't want to stop. I am not that interested in sex and don't see it as something important in my life. But I heard lot of women have low sex drives and lot of them have it anyway to make their men happy. Men have higher sex drives because in mother nature, males mate with the female to make babies. It's wired in their brains and the female are supposed to get knocked up and let the men screw them. Now as humans, we make decisions about rather we want it or not but the sex drive is still there, the desire to have it.

I expect then that the difference is largely lust/sex drive. I think sex drive and lust is hormonal and not under are control. I have quite a high sex drive so it probably makes me lust after and fancy my boyfriend lots.

I found my sex drive went up when I was pregnant and it will be interesting for you to see how the changes in hormones effect your sex drive.