Finding a boyfriend and other stuff...

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Ok, This is a wee bit embarrassing, but here goes...
*covers face*
I've been thinking about this a lot lately, perhaps because I'm 23 or because my sissy got married last year and has an 11 month old son, but here goes some things that make me aprehensive about dating based on the total of two boyfirends I've had...
A. I have trouble telling someone how I feel
B. it makes me nervous to talk to guys in person
C. I have a touching thing and am afraid of anger A LOT so if someone's making me uncomfortable I am afraid to tell them.
D. I chatter about Gaelic and Gaelic Music/scottish and Irish music A LOT and computers too
E. I don't can't read the other person so if they don't tell me what they feel or whatever it gets things into trouble...
F. Sex would be something I'd only do with someone who i REAAAALLLLLLLYYYYY trusted because of past stuff.
G. I don't always know when I'm "stimming"
H. The normal Aspie issues...
I. They would have to be VERY specific in instructions
J. I'm visually impaired.
K. they would have to be willing to tell me instead of expecting me to just "know" things like if they're annoyed or angery...

and that's about it... it's a lot, but I just was wondering if anyone had any advice?

Hugs,
Eilidh
***Said Aily!

Any seisuns (sessions) in your area? That music scene seems to be pretty tolerant of quiet hanging out or participation without much talking until you feel more comfortable.

Also, if you can find any dance classes in Scottish or Irish trad, it can give you a really structured way to interact with people who also love the music, and practice getting out of your shell a hair. The nerves really do get better with practice.

Oh, and most of the trad musicians I've seen stim like all get out, so you'd fit right in. ^_^

The only girlfriends I have ever had successful relationships with are Orientals or those who I suspect are on the spectrum. Any time I have dated an American NT, it never worked out.

All the things you mentioned about being straightforward, as opposed to expecting us to read hints, are the reasons I prefer AS-AS relationships.

In fact, I have dated a woman with AS, it lasted 3 years, but her being uncomfortable with affection/intimacy/touch pretty much doomed the relationship, even more than the fact that she lived 1,200 miles away (I'm in Texas, she was in Minnesota).

look for guys you would not want to date and try to become friends with them. find some male friends and practice saying "no" to things you don't want. aspies tend to rush things, so take things very slow even as long as a year or two before you start dating someone. friends first, dating later.

I WISH I could find a girl like this! Also, the only long-term, successful relationship that I have had was with someone whom I strongly suspect was a mild Aspie.

As far as dating an aspy, I wouldn't be against it. But I suspect it wouldn't be easy.

I think the biggest determing factor in this, whether I'd steer you specifically toward aspie guys or not, is point E, I think at that rate you'd definitely want to find a guy who's good-hearted but has very similar issues in that regard. Also I think your taste in music is a plus, partly because I think most guys have added respect for a woman who isn't a strict pop/country thinker, also as mentioned I think the social crowd for those genres whether it be traditional Celtic, Scottish, heck, even a Flogging Molly concert.

It's funny you should say that, because I think I've had a similar experience.

Prior to getting married, I was in a 2 year relationship with a woman who may have been mildly ASD:

1. Everything she did was consistent and ritualized, she did the same things, the same way, at the same time every day - didn't think much of it at the time.

2. She had few friends, and was unusually close to her parents for someone her age.

3. In order to sleep, the room had to be as sound/lightproof as possible. She actually brought stuff to accomplish this end when we were travelling and staying in hotels.

She didn't freak out over breaks in routine, but she certainly was an extreme creature of habit most of the time.

Unfortunately, we weren't really "in love" with each other but other than that it was great - sort of an extended "friendship with benefits" arrangement.

Anyway, good luck with your search!

Eilidh,

I kind of feel like I hijacked the thread so I wanted to try to make it up to you

I have a couple of thoughts based on my own experience as a fellow Aspie:

You are definitely in the right place, almost everything you talked about applies to me as well.

Regarding your social anxiety, I really started to make progress with this when I stopped trying to suppress/avoid it and decided to "own" it instead:

In the context of a person you are attracted to, the anxiety you feel is a physiological reaction to the person's attractiveness. Try to have a sense of humor about it! Now when it happens to me I think (a) it's really cool to be talking to someone who does this to me and (b) the fact that this is happening is actually quite funny. The end result for me is that the anxiety is transmuted to a sort of cheerful giddiness which transmits a good vibe to the other person. This actually happened to me last week.

Regarding your inability to pick up on visual cues, I'm still kind of baffled by this one. They either have to be pretty overt (like someone picking lint off your shirt, maintaining casual physical contact for a bit longer than usual, etc) or I miss them completely. If the cue has anything to do with the eyes or facial expression, forget it, I'm completely oblivious. My best experience has been to actually initiate "flirting" in a way that I can understand and try to figure out the situation based on their reaction. This can be done verbally as well, I once had success asking a girl for the first digit of her phone number.

I hope this helps in some way, it may be completely useless but these are the things that have actually worked from me over the years.

Good luck!

That said, you still need to be mindful when going into a relationship even if you've been friends for a while. I was friends with my girlfriend for three years before I started dating, and yet I still rushed out the gate way too quickly...

You think NTs have it easy? Watching my parents is like watching a ballad of eternal opposites: He's science, she's art; he's logical (or likes to think he is), she's emotional . . . but, theyve been together for 31 years now, and have had their fair share of arguments and flubs. Nothing in the world is easy, and if it is, there is likely some VERY high cost attached. Personally, i say dont go looking, and what you NEED may find you; course, given that ive only tried to get into a relationship 4 times without success probably means im not the best source of information . Personally, i wouldnt mind an Aspie woman who is opposite enough to me that it would work, but at the same time, i wouldnt know what to do or what to expect from it.

Wow, it's like reading about me, except my main special interests are monkeys and cows, and instead of being visually impaired I'm pretty much physically impaired.

I've only been in one relationship, still currently in it, and every issue you wrote I am having difficulty with. The only advice I've been able to find out myself is to really figure out your breaking points or lines. I don't know any other way to word it, that's what I call them. I only have a few so far. My main one is related to my physical problems because that is a concrete thing for me. I know I have it. I understand it fully. So for me, my line is if my boyfriend ever doubts me really being sick, my treatments, or my physical symptoms I'm done with the relationship. So far he's skirted that issue but because it was so clear to me I was able to defend myself right away and clearly explain to him what will happen if he does it again. It still hurts but it is so much easier when I can use my brain to figure out what to do instead my feelings.

My main problem is figuring out where I stand in regards to my Aspergers symptoms and issues, but because I don't have an official diagnosis I don't feel confident enough to fight harder to defend myself on those. So I let him kinda walk all over me, when if I had the diagnosis I probably would have already broken up by now. So many of the problems I am having are Aspergers related but I don't know what to do. sigh

Anyway, sorry for rambling, hope any of it can help you.