am I that big of a loser?

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My latest rejection. Got friend zoned again. And by a girl who had cancer, and still has tons of complications! How big of a [edited for content by sinsboldy] loser am I if even someone like her can reject me for another guy?

I'm beginning to see that some of us AREN'T meant to have anyone. Some of us ARE meant to be alone. And it makes me mad.

I don't know which I'm beginning to hate more: the women who constantly reject me, or the men who make my flaws all the more apparent.

At night, I say out loud that I would sell my soul for a companion, or to do something that will matter to somebody. To earn someone's love. It's clear I'm not worth a damn, and who can blame them. Jobless, moneyless, stuck at home. A f**king failure in everything.

God doesn't make junk? [inappropriate content edited by sinsboldly]

Theres your problem. "Even someone like her" implies you think she's "low quality" because of the cancer.

Yea.. Thinking of somebody as "even somebody like that" would be a really crappy basis for a relationship. Maybe she rejected you because she could tell you didn't actually like her that much.

Yes.

This goes back to theory of mind. You aren't in her head. You don't know why she rejected you. It might have had nothing to do with your aspieness.

I think I meant that she of all people would be someone who has learned to appreciate those who care for her. I feel like I was there for her to listen to her about her problems and fears, and then I find she's interested in someone else, and I'm just a f*****g friend.

I've got a lot to give someone. I just know it. But no one wants it. They all seem to discover, sooner or later, that they can do better than me. It's killing me. It's killing me because I cannot figure out what I'm doing wrong. Why they don't like me. Why they do not choose me for a lover. Am I ugly? Am I humorless? Am I boring? Am I not fun? I just don't [edited by sinsboldly] know.

I sometimes fantasize about being horribly scarred. Acid to the face, or burned, or something. Then I would at least have a reason for why women find me so undesirable...

You have to understand that who we like and who we're attracted to, guys and girls alike, are simply different things. Viewing friendship, attraction and romance as a linear, meritocratic system just won't work, because nobody, girls in particular, follow it. In other words, you don't garner enough points and eventually 'earn' someones love. You should, you really should, but you don't.

Looking for a girlfriend is like a monk seeking enlightment; the harder he tries, the further away it is from him, because the very nature of enlightment keeps those who seek it from finding it. So, the monk simply lives his life: picks rice, fishes, performs his prayers and exercies, and settles into the routine of life, content to live the rest of his days. Then he becomes enlightened.

She will come. She always comes. So quit looking down at your watch, wondering why she's late, and look up, and maybe you'll see her.

Yeah, it's all metaphor, but there's just no other way to say it.

I have two things to say to this:
1) I think you are reading more into this than is justified. It is a simple (though quite unfortunate) fact of life that people who have issues themselves are more likely to understand/be tolerant of others who have issues. The only others who are like this are either inhumanly selfless or live far enough up easy street that they are looking for challenges to solve--or some combination of these things. This has nothing necessarily to do with "quality". Whoever is oblivious to this has been spoon fed "you are special because you are (female, male, "multicultural", etc.)" for all of his or her life.
2) Women think the same way as Brianruns, often more so. I have read some women on here describe aspie guys as being unworthy of sex or a relationship because they are "too aspie". And the same women who regularly judge guys according to a standard of "quality" (whether admitting to it or not) turn around and expect to be put on a pedestal, whether or not they have their own issues, before they will agree to share their bodies with a guy in the most basic way.

Ya man, people can see you as a friend and not be romantically interested in you. And, you start off with the right idea, the "i've got a lot to give someone, i just know it" part. Then you proceed to beat yourself up. If you call yourself a loser enough times thats what you'll become. Not saying you are or that you are calling yourself one, but you get the idea, if you think something about yourself enough, you'll become it.

You should know that that also tends to work both ways, if you think you suck enough you'll suck, if you think you'll be a success enough, well, it will probably happen.


Did you tell this girl how you feel? Your post implies it, but I have a sneaking suspicion you never said anything, you slipped into the friend area, and over the course of a friendly conversation she told you about a guy she liked/wanted to date/is dating or something along those lines and it upset you.

This really comes back to the thing of how women seem so much less willing to settle than men do. While I don't think anyone likes to hear "I don't really like you that much", many guys are perfectly willing to be sexually involved with a girl they only somewhat like. To me at least, and I think to a lot of other guys, it just simply seems counterproductive to limit oneself only to the tip-top in terms of attractiveness. Even if we were so sexy we could get almost anyone in bed, some of us would still not limit ourselves to the sexiest women. In some cases a less desirable woman might even be a more enjoyable sexual or relationship partner because we wouldn't constantly be fighting to see who's "on top" desirability-wise, but for women this trade-off seems not to exist. Except when it comes to marriage, in which case it seems to be reversed.

She has cancer? Forgive me if this is blunt, but you're kind of taking the self-centered thing to an unnaturally high level.
Cancer, and other complications, could stop her from dating in general really. If you're possibly dying, that can be a reason to not want to get attached to anyone. They have whole movies on that topic.

And the friend zone thing...t'is the bane of us all. I know too well how that feels.
But then, it's surprising what can form inside a friendship sometimes. I found that I could find warmth and affection within a friendship with a girl. When I found that I could truly confide in her, that she really cared about me, that she understood me...
What's missing? Sex? Status? Those thing two things are nothing in the face of the other things.

...And yet...it just isn't that easy sometimes.

The world is a competitive place. People move on, get divorced or simply remain picky. You can remain alone (or settle for someone 'sub-par') and given time, 'upgrade'.



You're 25 You have PLENTY of time to make yourself better. Many people (here) do not enter their prime until their 30's. Don't be worried, just be comfortable it'll take you a bit more time to come into your own but with better results.



Well, at 25 you're not going to have much to offer. You may think you do, but what you have to offer isn't something that people are buying. Just think about how many geniuses languished in obscurity until after their deaths. Hopefully it won't take you that long BUT you do have to make yourself even more worthwhile/marketable.



Nothing. You're simply not the person women your age are looking for.

So what do you do? Make yourself better. Exercise, pick up some skills (playing a musical instrument), learn to be manly, accept you'll fail.

Most women don't see much point in a relationship that doesn't have any chance of being permanent anyway. When we get into such relationships, we end up hating ourselves for it.

Why???

OP, I gave you a few constructive actions you might consider taking to determine if there really is something wrong with the way you approach women and/or relationships. I realize you're frustrated, but you have a choice to make: either shake things up and take some action that might result in a different outcome, or keep banging your head against the wall.

Lots of people - NTs and Aspies alike - experience the same thing you're experiencing. There's no magic solution - it's hard work, just like anything in life that's worth having. The only thing you know for sure is what you've tried so far hasn't worked. So you can either put your energy into being bitter, or get to work putting a new game plan together. It's all up to you.

What about the warmth of affection? I mean, it would be really awkward for me to put an arm around a friend (that had already friendzoned me and had made it clear that she had no interest in me), and yet for me personally that kind of contact is important for me to keep going in life...

That's the perfect way to say it. In fact, back in the days when I was a sensitive heart-on-the-sleeve poet, my phrasing was:

Grab it, it burns you
Look for it, it runs


But the sentiment is the same...