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BraveMurderDay
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20 Feb 2006, 3:17 am

Let us suppose you are of the heterosexual male persuasion and happen to have been acquainted with an older woman for a little while now. From almost the first moment you observed her, you have been hooked. This is no ordinary crush (which would be pointless anyhow as you soon found out she's happily married) but more of a full blown obsession. You are fixated on her appearance and every move she does make, while trying to lay low as you go on with your everyday business. Until she one day happens to greet you, snapping you out of your distant far-fetched musings. The next day as well she greets you and in the coming weeks a few short relatively useless fragments of conversation are had between you two, the feeling quite intimidating and surreal as you dive into her mystique. Your confidence around her increases after you pick up a few notions on her which make you feel as if you have a strong edge on her in certain intellectual areas which help rationalize away your discomfort that she is a social butterfly and you are hopelessly inept. Out of nowhere one day, she curses at you in front of one of her associates which is a devastating blow to your psyche; if there had been a knife at your disposal at that time and place you would have ran to a corner and slashed your arm. Never before had you felt that emotionally ruined and over a few words, no less. It was clear she was in your head like no one had ever been before. But you responded with amazing courage and less than an hour later managed to find her alone and engage her in your longest conversation lasting over ten minutes. You began to garner some of her personal details and share some of your own, being frank except for lying about having a girl of your own. You shower her with a gift here and there without overdoing it and declare your love for her in a way that makes her giggle at your apparent jesting. With some clumsiness here and there, you continue building a positive rapport with her over time. Unfortunately, she seems to be in your thoughts non-stop during your waking hours. A two sentence verbal exchange with her can be something you obsess over off and on for the remaining hours of the day. Now: let us suppose that she is so engaged with so many interpersonal interactions with other friends and associates that perhaps there is only so much time she has for you, and perhaps as it would appear, you end up having to tell her details of yourself three or four times because she doesn't remember unless you are persistent - you just aren't that high of a priority for her - and yet everything she ever told you of herself you seemingly instantly committed to your long-term memory. You didn't even bother to write those details down because you feel so emotionally drawn to her you probably wouldn't forget if you tried. You love kidding with her and any time you attempt to make her laugh and fail, you bear the shame of failure on your shoulders. So many masks and facades you put on to hide your true feelings that the truth would not be believable to her unless you performed a dastardly deed. It is perhaps not a romantic relationship you truly desire with her, although you might not mind if you could have such a thing. You want to control her feelings toward you. You want her to be in perpetual awe of the brave, capable, humorous, reliable, caring, thoughtful, upright man you are. Anything detracting from that goal is worthy of disdain. Yet reality reveals what is really the case: you are but one of what easily must be over a hundred humans with whom she interacts with on a weekly basis. You are considerably younger, meeker in social status, and with your personal shortcomings besides the social ineptitude. In reality you are unwittingly controlled by her, obsessing on and on with every new interaction with her something instantly swallowed by your memory bank for you to masochistically play repeatedly in your brain. If you cease interaction with her, you know you will still think of her affectionately but at least there will be hope you may regain more control of your thoughts. She tends to approach you from time to time to say hi and occasionally initiate small talk. The question before you all is how to end this. If you tell the truth, she will no doubt think you are toying with her as you so often do so this is out of the question. What might be something you could say or do to her in order to get her to stop speaking to you once and for all, preferably doing this in an amicable sort of way since you really are a class act nice guy?



hale_bopp
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20 Feb 2006, 6:38 am

BraveMurderDay wrote:
Let us suppose you are of the heterosexual male persuasion and happen to have been acquainted with an older woman for a little while now. From almost the first moment you observed her, you have been hooked. This is no ordinary crush (which would be pointless anyhow as you soon found out she's happily married) but more of a full blown obsession.

You are fixated on her appearance and every move she does make, while trying to lay low as you go on with your everyday business. Until she one day happens to greet you, snapping you out of your distant far-fetched musings. The next day as well she greets you and in the coming weeks a few short relatively useless fragments of conversation are had between you two, the feeling quite intimidating and surreal as you dive into her mystique.

Your confidence around her increases after you pick up a few notions on her which make you feel as if you have a strong edge on her in certain intellectual areas which help rationalize away your discomfort that she is a social butterfly and you are hopelessly inept. Out of nowhere one day, she curses at you in front of one of her associates which is a devastating blow to your psyche; if there had been a knife at your disposal at that time and place you would have ran to a corner and slashed your arm. Never before had you felt that emotionally ruined and over a few words, no less.

It was clear she was in your head like no one had ever been before. But you responded with amazing courage and less than an hour later managed to find her alone and engage her in your longest conversation lasting over ten minutes. You began to garner some of her personal details and share some of your own, being frank except for lying about having a girl of your own.

You shower her with a gift here and there without overdoing it and declare your love for her in a way that makes her giggle at your apparent jesting. With some clumsiness here and there, you continue building a positive rapport with her over time. Unfortunately, she seems to be in your thoughts non-stop during your waking hours.

A two sentence verbal exchange with her can be something you obsess over off and on for the remaining hours of the day. Now: let us suppose that she is so engaged with so many interpersonal interactions with other friends and associates that perhaps there is only so much time she has for you, and perhaps as it would appear, you end up having to tell her details of yourself three or four times because she doesn't remember unless you are persistent - you just aren't that high of a priority for her - and yet everything she ever told you of herself you seemingly instantly committed to your long-term memory. You didn't even bother to write those details down because you feel so emotionally drawn to her you probably wouldn't forget if you tried.

You love kidding with her and any time you attempt to make her laugh and fail, you bear the shame of failure on your shoulders. So many masks and facades you put on to hide your true feelings that the truth would not be believable to her unless you performed a dastardly deed. It is perhaps not a romantic relationship you truly desire with her, although you might not mind if you could have such a thing.

You want to control her feelings toward you. You want her to be in perpetual awe of the brave, capable, humorous, reliable, caring, thoughtful, upright man you are. Anything detracting from that goal is worthy of disdain. Yet reality reveals what is really the case: you are but one of what easily must be over a hundred humans with whom she interacts with on a weekly basis. You are considerably younger, meeker in social status, and with your personal shortcomings besides the social ineptitude.

In reality you are unwittingly controlled by her, obsessing on and on with every new interaction with her something instantly swallowed by your memory bank for you to masochistically play repeatedly in your brain. If you cease interaction with her, you know you will still think of her affectionately but at least there will be hope you may regain more control of your thoughts. She tends to approach you from time to time to say hi and occasionally initiate small talk. The question before you all is how to end this. If you tell the truth, she will no doubt think you are toying with her as you so often do so this is out of the question. What might be something you could say or do to her in order to get her to stop speaking to you once and for all, preferably doing this in an amicable sort of way since you really are a class act nice guy?


hmm.. does it have to be a hetrosexual male? What you said perfectly explains the situation i'm in at the moment.. so close it's rather scary.

I know exactly how you feel, exactly. You discribed what is in my heart right now.

(ps: paragraphs make it easier to read)



neptunevsmars
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20 Feb 2006, 9:22 am

BraveMurderDay wrote:
Now: let us suppose that she is so engaged with so many interpersonal interactions with other friends and associates that perhaps there is only so much time she has for you, and perhaps as it would appear, you end up having to tell her details of yourself three or four times because she doesn't remember unless you are persistent - you just aren't that high of a priority for her...

What might be something you could say or do to her in order to get her to stop speaking to you once and for all, preferably doing this in an amicable sort of way since you really are a class act nice guy?


If I sound a little harsh and/or presumptuous here it's because you have so uncannily described the situation that I was in 3-4 years ago. 8O

Having read and re-read your post I find nothing in how you describe this woman to suggest that there is any deliberate effort on her part to encourage or manipulate your feelings, ie. she is not flirting with you. If anything, being an older and highly confident person she's probably picked up on your awkwardness and initiated contact with you to bring you out of your shell - finding out in the process that you're a really nice guy.

What I don't think you realize is that, from how you describe your behaviour towards her, she almost certainly already knows how you feel. What's more she probably feels quite flattered by it - but she is in the difficult situation of maintaining a friendship with someone whom she respects without unnecessarily playing with your feelings. Therefore it's most likely not a question of how high a priority you are for her, but of keeping you at arm's length for your own good.

Now are you ready for the harsh bit?

You can't expect her to take any more responsibility than that for your feelings. Making her stop talking to you would just be embarrassing for a "social butterfly" as she will fear appearing rude to you in front of her friends. What if she is asked why she doesn't talk to you anymore? It will just draw more attention to your stituation and cast you in a bad light. :oops:

Yes I know what you're going through, yes I know you can't control it as long as you see her - so to the best of your ability, take yourself out of contact with her. You didn't stipulate how you come to know her - I guess if she's a workmate you might find changing jobs a drastic move - but you stated that you know it will benefit you not to be around her so you may have no choice but to do it. Did I do this? No. I let things get to a point where my work suffered and after two written warnings I resigned before I got fired. Make no mistake obsession screws with your head. And it still keeps
happening to me!!

Whatever you decide I hope all works out well for you

Best wishes :wink: