My Mommies, Heart, Body & Mind Confuse Me!

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I know the title doesn't sound like it belongs in this forum so please move it if its totally irrelevant (no idea where this will fit). To sum it up, I am emotionally confused when it comes to determining what kind of relationship I want (I know longer gives a crap what my sexuality is... for now) b/c if I cannot clear this mess up, its irrelevant anyways. As of right now I feel not attracted to either gender's lower bodies (no desire for sex/genital contact & don't like any type of buttocks or legs) but have a preference for the male upper body & voice and female personality (so I like guys who act like girls ). I cannot reconcile what I feel with my body's reactions due to my sensory issues/nervousness which I am sure are symptoms of my autism and what I have been taught by my parents. I'm going to try to explain each chunk separately & combing it at the end. (1. Parents, 2. "Heart"/emotions, 3. Body's reactions, 4. Why my Mind feels like freakin' chocolate pudding thats gone bad (mentally fried))

1. My parents raised me with conflicting vlaues/ideas (I think ) a. I was told flat out that if I get married as a virgin and they find out they will kick my ass (literally)! This is b/c they both realized they were lesbians (for sure) after they got married to men... b. Based on the way they talk about men I get the feeling they're very sexist (anti-men). I cannot entirely blame them but I feel if I were with a guy (and even if I had no other issues) it would be an issue. I even suggested that my lack of interest in guys is b/c I'm a lesbian. Bio-mom shot that down. So what is approved as a possibility?
p.s. Bio-mom's idea of my life to do with the dangers/"sins" of life: drinking, driving, drugs & sex... she thinks I'll do none of the above except drink a lot b/c I'll be living in a tiny apartment alone once I have a job (w/o a pet even) forever... BORING.
2. Emotionally, I realize I do want at least a very platonically intimate relationship (skip the touching/sex please!). I cannot tell if what I want is just a very deep friendship w/ one other person whose equally devoted to me in the same way, or I just want a life partner w/o the sex? Wait, couldn't that be the same thing?
p.s. I do realize sex can be a way of expressing love... but if you read further you might get why I cannot believe that's what it would be in my case...
3. Short version is I cannot stand being touched & have to learn how to cope w/ it w/ each person in my life... (I WANNA SCREAM ) Bracing myself is taxing & my friends know somethings wrong b/c I get stiff, bolt away, etc. & warned them I had panic attacks where I was crying/rocking in a fetal position & lost the feeling in my arm & stuff b4 when people touched me & I wasn't expecting it. From what I can tell, some level of intimacy is not just desired but needed by NT's & many other aspies/auties, but as I see it, I've got these options: 1. Never let anyone in/prevent anything beyond friendship (what I'm doing now) 2. Risk telling a friend I've got these mixed up feelings & risk hurting someone either way: allow myself to risk contact beyond hugging, freak out & possibly traumatize a close friend OR refuse to budge further & build a wall to drive them all away... I'm not liking either option here!
4. So if you combine all this it comes down to it (DAMN, I NEVER thought I'd be saying this: ) I don't want to limit relationships (though I feel I have to ) to prevent hurting someone. But...I keep worrying that I may be hurting a friend (w/o knowing it of course) by setting my extreme limits?... This is why my brain feels like rotten chocolate pudding (used to feel & if it were really choc. pudding, "taste good" & is no longer fresh b/c I've used it up & left the crusty old edges in my head.

Until I am able to sort this out I do not feel it is right for me to even attempt to have close relationships with anyone, so I plan to continue to keep my friendships guarded and push the "I'm asexual" or "confused" until I do.

You have absolutely got to get out of that house.
If you can't support yourself and get your own apartment,
do you have grandparents or someone who could use a little help?
I can't imagine ever sorting it all out in that setting.

I know nothing about your own particular issues,
but the parents' issues alone should make you crazy.

If you are disabled, you should be transitioning anyway.

I'm living at college right now but I'm going home today for a month . I've been trying to avoid going home as much as possible but have no choice over the holidays. Grandparents & other relatives are WORSE (my bio-mom never pushes my buttons but stepmom is dependent on the time of the month & her work schedule (worse when she has more work b/c then I can't make ANY noise).

Anyone think if I told this to a counselor at school I'd give them brain damage? I suggested that this might hurt a counselor's brain (it seemed to traumatize my friends from what I can tell/even the very easy going psych major was awkward as heck...) to a friend & he busted up laughing ( ) .

Goal is to only go home when necessary (break during/between semesters & when really sick) .

Absolutely go to the counselor at school - they have the skills and the training to help you develop the coping skills required to deal with the craziness at home.

Honey, it's your life. Nobody can decide whether you're going to be a virgin when you get married, your sexual orientation, whether you'll drink, or what your life is going to be like. Everyone gets one chance to plan a life - their own. Don't worry about the crazy expectations of all these people.

Also, I think you should read Dan Savage's column - I think he's had some information on asexuality....at any rate, his column is kind of a clearinghouse all kinds of "alternative" ideas about sexuality:

http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Sava ... id=2983744

Good luck, honey.