Struggling to talk to wife

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So... I got married, happily, back on Sept. 12th of this year, which is as soon as now, a few months after the fact, feels like a lifetime ago.

But I've been struggling to make the marriage work. I don't know how to talk to my wife, don't know how to approach her to cheer her up when she's sad, calm her down when she's upset, make her laugh or feel happy most of the time... occasionally, I manage to come through and say something or do something that makes her smile. But so much of our relationship is an open silence, and I don't know what to say.

I often forget things I need to do, or don't hear things that she says. She tells me to do things, or to remember things, and it's as though she never said it at all-- I don't even remember the words coming out of her mouth, much less what she said!

I essentially live in absolute fear of what to do or what to say, and only make her uncomfortable and lonely because of it.

For those of you who are in committed relationships of your own, of any kind, how do you make it work? How do you come up with things out of nowhere to say? I don't travel anywhere, spend most of my time looking after our apartment, and only really go out to go grocery shopping, to pick up any other odds or ends needs we might need, or attend classes or services at the mosque downtown. I don't have many friends, aside from a few that we've both stayed in contact with over the years that we still hang out with. So I don't really have any experiences to share outside of things we do together.

Couples' counseling.

Some people fill the silence with their own imagination.
I call it "hallucinating."
Certain people in my life have imagined whole conversations with just eye-contact.
Themes spanning years -- that I knew nothing about.
Never would have guessed in a million years.
When I finally do figure it out, or someone puts it into words, it's enough to curl your hair.
The issues build and build, one on top of another, until there's nothing you can do but walk away.

Absolutely agree with Tahitiii on the couples counseling - with an emphasis on improving communication between you two. I'm wondering if you've asked your wife what she needs? Seriously, if I were your wife and I read the post you just wrote, I'd probably fall in love with you all over again (then we'd sit down and talk). Maybe you should start with printing your post and giving it to her?

As far as forgetting things, since you know that's a problem, why don't you two come up with a process to handle it? How about putting a little white board in your kitchen? Anything that has to be done, remembered, picked up, etc., can be written on the white board. If yo work the problem, e.g., deal with you memory issue, then the symptoms, e.g., feeling inadequate or lousy because you forget things, will go away.

You need to talk about your fears with your wife, and remember that it's probably the silence between you two that is really the source of the trouble. I'm sure that she wants to know what's in your heart, as opposed to hearing you express it "correctly" or "perfectly." Just remember that she loves you - you should honor the choice she made to marry you by trusting her enough to be vulnerable with her - to be yourself with her, okay?

My anniversary is September 12th. Good day!

I have the same issues with my husband. We have whole conversations that he doesn't remember, and I remember EVERYTHING. We even make joint decisions, and a day later he is asking me why I am doing that. He is hard of hearing so he hears half of what I say, he has auditory processing problems so he hears half of that, and he remembers half of what he can process.

When we were first married (12 years ago) we had exactly the same issues. Nothing in common, all he talked about was bikes and jeeps, we couldn't discuss anything because he would always get defensive so we couldn't solve anything. It was hard. We went to couples counceling to specifically talk about communication. I learned a lot about him, and he learned a lot about me. Together we worked through problems with this. I had ways of talking that he couldn't deal with because he felt that I was always drilling him, I had to get more simple and literal, he had to learn to ask when he doesn't understand without feeling stupid, and I had to learn to control my frustration with having to repeat things all the time, and deal with the fact that his memory isn't nearly as good as mine. He had to learn to understand that my frustration is more of not being able to find the words that he can relate to, and it's not him I am frustrated with. All of these things (and more) came out in counceling. At that time he was afraid to talk to me and I was lonely and felt that he didn't really care.

Reading this website, albiet 10 years later, also has helped me tremendously because I know that he has valid difficulties and it isn't me. I don't take things personally, like I'm not important enough for him to remember things etc.. (He's a little AS)

A whiteboard is a good idea. Make sure though if you try that you actually USE it. (I have a similar thing but it always isn't used). My husband and I also have learned that talking on the phone is better than in person because we are focused on the conversation because the phone is in his ear, and not on the TV or whatever other distraction is in the room. I would write things down but he has trouble reading so I can't do that, so I have learned that I have to tell him things several times for him to remember, so I do that. Now we talk about everything. We also have a child with AS, and that helps us have something to talk about, work together with and it actually has brought us closer together, (however I wouldn't recommend having children until you get the communication down)

This is a very long process, but if you improve over time, and you can see that it will be very rewarding and bonding for both of you. It would help to find a similar interest...even a TV show that you can talk about. We have fun with American Idol for example, making our little wagers, talking about the people on there and seeing who will be kicked off next. Anything can be a common interest. That will help. Maybe you can explore that, make it a project together and enjoy the benefit when you discover things you never knew you would be interested in.

As far as cheering her up...the biggest mistake my husband makes is trying to "fix" what is wrong, and I hate that. Just validate, say you understand and support any decision she makes to help herself. You can't fix anything...just listen. If she needs to vent and yell to get something off of her chest, just listen and don't get angry. She will thank you for that. She is the only one who can make her sadness go away, your job is just to be there, say you understand and you love her and you are there, and let her come to you.


You can do this, don't give up. If you introduce her to WP, that certainly will give you a lot to talk about. There are great people on here!

If you find talking hard, you could write what you're feeling as a letter. I'm no good at talking, but I can write pretty good. I can really hit the point of what I want to say in a way that would be impossible if I had to speak it out loud.

Does your wife know about your AS? If not it might be better for both of you if she did.

Couples counselling might be great, but try and make sure the counsellor that you see knows about AS, otherwise it might not be as effective.

But definitely take action, and don't just hope things will change... you might have a pleasant surprise if you try to work through it.

Married at 24? Whew, this is going to be tough and likely end in a break up. You will need to seek help from family/friends who are more experienced to get first hand knowledge. Couples counseling is a step - but it is not a panacea.

First, you two are young in life. This is no longer the yester-year of our parents or parents parents, but is a time and age where people up and into their 30's are moving back home. Learning to take your licks w/o support and coming back for seconds is forgotten.

Second, if you're in it - make it clear that you're in it for life. Let her know that no matter what happens, you're sticking through everything (reaffirm the comittment) thick and thin.

Third, find an outlet. Staying home and tending to an apartment does not work. Generally not for singles and mostly not for couples. You are going to go crazy and probably winding up picking fights over non-issues. Find something where you can be you and get out to be yourself. Jogging, painting, something which is just "you" time.

Fourth, find complimentary activities. One of the hardest things between couples is to maintain common interests. Its always easier to strike up a conversation (or to come back to a prior comittment after a fight) if there is something you two do together and have friends who do the same thing.

Fifth, friends. Particularly her friends. They care a lot about her so use it. If you're running into problems, seek their aid (e.g. "Hey, I'm having a hard time, could I talk to you for a minute?") knowing that whatever you ask/say/do will get back to her. Use it to your advantage.

My marriage is quite good. I don't know how to come up with random stuff to say, though. Mostly I'm forgiven from having to do it.

http://asdrelationships.freeforums.org/ -- it's a relationship forum for aspies and NT-partners-of-aspies. Many of the NT wives who frequent it are pretty good at giving advice about how to make an NT happy. They're nice.

Your husband seems like a very lucky man. I wish one of my exes would have been willing to do all this.....[/quote]

Thank You! I am actually the lucky one. My husband has his difficulties and he can drive me CRAZY, but he loves me more than anything, he ALWAYS has my back, even when he doesn't agree, he is the most loyal person I know and would never do anything to knowingly hurt me and he tries really hard to make this marriage work. I can't say that about most people. I am his third wife, so he's gone through a lot too. It's just too bad that the others couldn't see what was really going on, but then again if they did, he wouldn't be here with me.

she needs to know your struggles. show her this post. write them down. you need to make her aware of them. tell her you dont know how to comfort her...maybe even ask her to write out an instruction manual about herself...i dont know. . but she needs to know how you are feeling.
it's great you care this much to make her happy. she would be very touched by that.

To me, the most important thing is that you WANT it to work. She might be reading your silence as regretting the marriage, which wont help your communication.

Tell her you want to make it work but you need some help.

Some of the problems you mentioned could have easy solutions. Have her write important tasks for you down in the same place every morning. Like a grocery list on the fridge for example. You could keep it in your pocket and check it during the day.

You will get tired of the marriage soon if you are in constant fear so you will have to find a way to ease your fears about communication. Have a conversation where you explain about your difficulty knowing what she needs. Does she understand AS? There is strong evidence that when the NT and/or AS partner doesn't understand AS the marriage is less likely to succeed. She will have to get comfortable with silence sometimes and learn to ask for exactly what she needs. After reading here and going through my own experiences, it seems that what most people (NT's and AS) really want is reassurances. Reassure her that you want to do the right thing. And ask her to reassure you that she doesn't need you to entertain her all the time or always say the perfect thing. No one always says the perfect thing and if they did I would be suspicious. The most important thing is that you are both trying.

You could also get outside help with a therapist who understands AS. This doesn't mean you have failed, it means that you care about the marriage enough do everything possible to make it work.

She married you so there must be a desire on her part to be with you for a long time if not forever. Maybe you could ask her to tell you why she married you and focus on expanding those qualities. If you both want it to work then it's just a matter of tricking yourselves into good communication.