confused about internet friend.

Post Reply New Topic

Okay, this has been nagging at me, and I'm very unsure about it. The thought's pretty hard to formulate into words...Grr. I've been rephrasing this message over and over...

So If you have a friend who has AS, and they have lately been very obsessed with something, and spending less time talking to you...And you feel disheartened and stuff....

wors have lost their meanings right about now....

When attempting to keep a friendship with an aspie...if you have doubts about them, say, maybe they've gotten a new obsession and are spending less time talking to you...is it better to listen to the part of you that wants to hold back, because you aren't getting as much as you're giving...Even though this makes you feel bad? And attempting to make them "get the clue" by talking to them less? Or should you just keep persisting anyways....? I'm sad because my very close internet friend has recently gotten obsessed with something, and now he spends less time talkign to me, and more time on that forum.
Part of me wants to hold back...and stuff...stop talking to him as much...be "busy" more often...even though I know this might very well only harm our friendship. I've told him I'm sad he's spending more time on it and talking less...and all he said was sorry. I dunno what to do! Should I just wait it out? I mean, I AM just an internet friend...I dont know if it's my place to expect him to make sacrifices for me...or something. Gosh, I sound so silly. But I mean, I feel like I'm giving more to our friendship than i'm getting. and it quite frankly, sort of pisses me off. because why should i have to be obsessed with him, when he's not right back at me? or should i just go on selflessly loving, because that's sorta what love's about?
is it possible he still cares about me, and this is just a new interest? could he not be aware that it's making me this sad? i dont wat him to know how i really feel about him, because that might just scare him away..and i dotn want that. . i also feel stupid for liking an internet friend. i wouldnt if he liked me back...but i do right now.

I'd say this is a definite NO. Good luck with that, that clue will not be picked up for 1 million years is my guess.


When you say "persisting" does this mean you have attempted to contact him and he is not replying? I would not personalize that.



I think I would just communicate in simple, clear language. "I miss you. I feel sad we are not talking as much. It seems you are busy with X, do you think we could chat also again because I am lonely for you."

Also if you are romantically interested in this person (it sounds as if you are), you should tell him. Also again, in clear language and not "clue getting". Subtext is super useless here, be direct.

okey dokey....it's...hard to be direct. i hope you know what i mean. XD

well, we still chat on msn and stuff, but i'm doing most of the talking. he's off on his forum. and our communication got less like...close. no virtual hugs...no texts...... what do you mean, "not personalize it"?

i guess i should be direct. but like...okay....i would like to tell him....but there ARE issues. i mean, he is an internet friend. i'd at least like to meet him first, i think we will this summer....make sure we can establish a close real life friendship, too. he and i have both said to each other internet relationships are not a good idea. i just dont want to say anything too soon. does it make sense?

is there anything wrong with me taking most of the innitiative? i'm not tricking myself into an imbalanced sort of relationship, am i?

What good is a friend with AS if you can't be direct?

Last edited by FaithHopeCheese on 24 Dec 2009, 7:46 am, edited 1 time in total.

Compromise is a part of relationships but also close friendships up to a certain point. If you feel you're emotionally neglected, then address this to him and ask him whether he cares enough about your feelings to do something about it.

What I would suggest, is that you meet one another online at specific days of the week at specific times. Aspies need solid structures to escape from the chaos of their own disorganised minds and if you want him to focus more on you and less on his obsessions the best way to do that is to plan your time with him ahead so he knows when he's expected to be online and when he has the freedom to spend all his time on his obsession.

Love, selfless? Interesting.
I think love is not selfless, at all.

I have this "internet friend" if you can call it that. He can be EXTREMELY moody at times.
He has some AS traits - being quite self-centered and more - but not enough to really have AS.
Anyway, this means that, when he is tired or just in a bad mood, he treats me like s**t every now and then.
Sometimes he's very short and distant. At other times he's telling me how much he cares about me and how special I am.
This was highly frustrating to me for ages. But I know this guy for over two years now, and I'm getting used to it.

When he's in a bad mood, I try to give him his space. Sometimes he's in a bad mood for days. Then we barely speak.
At other times he's very cheery, and then we spend a lot of time on each other.

If I were you I would try to find a way to make you feel not so DEPENDENT on him.
If you have other "hobby's" to fill your time with, him being away or being short with you won't affect you that much.
You'll have other things to do anyway.

And you CANNOT always just give, give, give. If he's being an ass to you for a bad reason, just block him. Hail internet.
Kiss and make up later. Talk it over IF you feel the need to.

In the end it's about accepting each other as you both are but also trying to adapt to each other's needs.
Even if he's just an internet friend.

you dont think love is selfless? i dont mean selfish...
well, he's not being an ass. for all i know he may be holding back because he feels the same way as me...i really dont know unless i tell him i guess.
i dont want a friendship where i just back off and come back later...*sigh* i'm so messed up. what to i want from this poor guy exactly. im sure if i told him how i felt, he'd block me.

In that case, I suggest you just to tell him how you feel. If he does block you, you at least know he was not worth all that s**t you're go through now. If he doesn't, then maybe there's a possibility......

hmmm.....i am probably exagerating. i dont want to make our friendship awkward! should i tell his best friend whos also my internet friend first? see if he thinks it's worth it....guh. wouldnt it be better if we met in person first?

That's always an option if you think you can trust him.



I wouldn't meet until I was certain he had feelings for me. The chance of a succesful date is much greater then.

yeah, but i mean....the feelings havent been here forever. i had been simply his close internet friend for a long time...then started developing feelings....if i cant have him in a romantic way (how embarassing to admit!) i still want to be his friend! i dont just leave people like that....

hmm. i think i can trust his friend...we're pretty close too.

goodness. this is weird! i feel like a dork. . i hope he doesnt soemhow find this thread.

It wouldn't be healthy to have a crush on him for months without mentioning it just out of fear to lose his friendship. If he really is your friend, she wouldn't block you for expressing your friends. If he does block you for sharing your feelings, he simply isn't worth it.



Then talk with him, but do insist that he doesn't tell his friend about your conversation. It should keep you out of trouble, even if he decides to tell about it after all (since your insistence on keeping it silent will likely make him speak in your favor).



We all do every now and then. Being a dork is part of the Aspie experience....



Does he know you're active on this site? Does he know your avatar?

you're right. well, i talked ot him a bit, i didnt tell him thiugh. i think i was overexaggerating....he wouldnt block me if i told him. he might just be flattered and a bit awkward. i shant tell him though....not yet.

i told his friend!! !! !! ! wow. i actually did it. i started crying and hyperventilating and shaking, and my heartbeat got really fast, but i did it! do AS peeps react overly like that?

true. . tbh, i'm not even sure i'm an aspie. i suspect it though.

well, he knows what i look like, and he knows the word "spazzergasm" would be my doing. but he doesnt know i go on this site.

thanks for the help, guys! . i feel better i got it out.

Aspies have problems sensing other people's emotions. Our own emotions can be just as strong as anyone else's. When I am uncertain about someone else's love (like with my ex-girlfriend who may or may not come back to me) I can be just as nervous and just as frustrated.



Then don't be paranoid.

Send the friend a message, "Hey, how are you? We have not talked in a while. Feel free to get in touch with me if you are up for it! Thanks, Spazzergazm." That's is it. If the friend does not want to socialize, leave them be - they might change their mind later on, and there are many potential friends out there. You can't control your friend.

If he's not replying, then he doesn't wanna talk to you, especially if he has AS