How are you supposed to behave on dates?

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Okay, anyone who's been here for more than a week has probably seen the arguments I've had with a few people around here about what does or does not constitute a date. For recap, I've generally stated that a date is when two people who are already in a relationship do something together, while apparently the NT consensus is that dating is what two people who don't even know each other do to decide whether they are compatible or not.

Assuming for the sake of argument that I were to follow the general public's definition for a minute here, how exactly are you supposed to behave on a date? Is it just like going out with a friend, or is there something else involved?

I just be myself. I have never gone out on a real date.

Well, since it is the evaluation process taken by many to determine if someone is (immediately) datable, it is exploration of interests and conversation. That's the part that was difficult for me, as I stumble in unrehearsed verbal conversation and my interests aren't exactly date material. But I learned to ask questions, to repeat back what was said in a different way, and found ways to express things I had experienced or learned without losing myself in the monologue. It can be a chance for each person to pick something they like to do, each for half the evening - that achieved some peculiar results. It's like making a friend, with a purpose? Exploratory, with a focus, perhaps? Harder to articulate than I had expected. Will try again later.


M.

Mr. Rath and I had this on our first date. We still joke about the Great Date Semantics Debacle. I summoned the courage to write him, after he fixed my computer. I told him I thought he was cute and funny, and would he like to have a coffee date. He said "I am flattered. I would like to spend time with you doing something more social than fixing a computer. I thought I sensed something. It is good to know my instincts are fully operational."

OK.

So then nothing for 2 or 3 days. I finally summoned the courage to email again and say "Since we agreed upon a date, maybe we could go to ..." and I suggested some historical society lectures (we both love architecture) or coffee or something.

He wrote back something about this isn't a date. This is two friends. I said I have enough friends, I'm interested in a date. He basically backed way off and said he needs to take time with it. Long and short, he did write a couple weeks later (I was so sad in between but I didn't contact him again). And I think what he had in mind WAS a date (a walk, coffee, some hand holding) but he would not call it that and the naming was important to him. We're MARRIED and I still don't get it, but it was a big deal for him.

I think you act intrested in the person, polite, and (this may be the hard part if you are aspie,I'm not sure) you gauge the right time for some physical contact. The difference in "two friends hanging out" and what people here may consider a date is: On a "date" you may hold hands, kiss, or have some physical affection that indicates possibility of a next step,next time. My 2c.

I personally use the NT definition. A date is often the prelude to a relationship but it is not part of the relationship itself.



I just behave as if I was hanging around with a friend, however when I'm attracted to the other person I complement this behavior by seeking physical contact. If we're sitting in the same chair, I try to sit closer and closer to her until I touch the side of her body with hips and shoulders (or until she shows signs of being uncomfortable about it). Or when I'm in the cinema, I start playing with her hands, then her arm, then her upper body and then whatever part of her body she allows me to touch until she shows signs of being uncomfortable.

If I follow that latter approach and it works, I usually end up in a relationship with a sexual part to it in less than a week. It really depends from individual to individual, however, and you really have to make sure every step of the process whether she's still comfortable. You don't want her to see you as a sexual predator after all and if you're touchy at a first date that's always a risk you're taking.

Both approaches (sitting next to her and fondling a bit in the cinema) allow you to figure out how comfortable she really is around you and depending on your conclusions you can make a safe guestimate on whether or not you should kiss here by the end of your date. If you decide to kiss her and your kiss is reciprocated, you pretty much got yourself a girlfriend. Otherwise, better luck next time.

Do note that many girls will not go on a date with you if they don't already like you. It may seem a big risk to experiment with how close you can get physically, but if they actually really like you they will in fact expect you to make a first move. For someone who's limited in his social skills, the touch experimentw I described are good alternatives if you don't want to risk saying something stupid since it doesn't require any words from your side.