Friends with everyone, but I just don't care enough..

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I'm in a jam. One day I'll wake up and want to hang out with a bunch of friends, or go on a date (I have no problem being with girls, I just never take any initiative) and the next day I'll just ignore all the calls because frankly, I just don't care. It's frustrating! I feel like the right girl is there somewhere, but until I somehow bump into her, I just get bored incredibly quickly and look like a flake. If my friends weren't so pushy for me to go out and about, I'd prolly just be a hermit lol. Anyone act similarly and figure something out? Or do I just need some patience? I can say right now I would burn out very quickly if I have to hang around someone I don't absolutely match up with. Thanks in advance, I'll be back after my 8 hours at the grind

At least you have friends that call you. Nobody calls me, I do all the calling. I'm similar in that I'm not a big fan of going out. One thing I have figured out is that being a hermit for too long can cause a problem. I've since learned that going out helps to keep my sanity. As for figuring it out, you will, you have to give it time. It doesn't happen overnight. I burn out quick if I hang around a moron as well. Most people I meet I don't like. Occasionally I'll meet someone that is worth my time.

Yes I am fortunate in that regard, but really, it's not all it's worked up to be- My family hardly believes that I have any sort of "abnormality" (as if my absurdedly spontaneous, intense obsessions aren't a dead-giveaway..), and while a few friends of mine know full-well I'm an Aspie, I often find myself very annoyed by them for no logical reason, which leads to guilt and polarity changes that reciprocate throughout the day everyday, and the simple act of talking to someone who wants to talk ALL DAY is incredibly, incredibly exhausting. I may have plenty friends, and I am absolutely thankful for them, but it definitely does have a price tag.

That's actually my problem- I have been good friends with attractive girls all my life, but when it comes to an actual relationship, I've never met anyone who ever took away that nagging feeling of being a charlatan.. It's very frustrating to have a perfectly willing girl waiting by the phone to no avail, with the only reason being that despite them being great people, they are far more work than I would ever care to put in. All my friends have girlfriends, some are getting married now, some are having kids, etc., and I just have to sit back and watch because my wishes for life aren't nearly as strong as my apprehension towards the long workload I would be picking up.

Hopefully that changes here! Hang in there breh, the trick to friends is to find the ones that do want to call you. That may sound over-simplified, but it's really just that simple. When I try to have a conversation, my mind goes blank, but when I begrudgingly respond to the various antics of someone talking to me, the fact that I don't care somehow makes it natural and relaxed enough to sound like I care more than anyone else in the room lol.. Such irony

hi Spuddy, I saw this post earlier and have been meaning to get back to it. I totally relate to what you're going through. That was me about 10-11 years ago! I was living in a share-house with really cool people, much social activity going on. I'd successfully managed a persona that somehow worked for me socially. I had a career that was just starting to look promising which was also very much dependent on my adopted persona. And then suddenly I totally lost the passion for it all and totally totally Burnt. Out. So then I moved out of that house, and quit the career instantly. People told me I'd be back (because I was good at my chosen career) but I still haven't gone back. My friends kept calling me for a while to go out with them - constantly hassling me, as was my old boss. I kept telling them 'no', and then eventually stopped answering the phone altogether. I've pretty much been a hermit ever since! lol And I don't mind it at all. In 10 years I've probably only picked up a telephone 10-20 times, if that even! Wouldn't even know how to operate a mobile telephone (thank goodness)!

Yes it was fun living that life and I met some people who I really wouldn't have minded spending a lot of time with - if it weren't for the fact that it was so unbelievably exhausting to sustain this type of connection with people. I'll love them forever, but I just had to leave them.

I have an aspie friend who initially seems as though he would be successful in relationships. Good career, good money, well presented, nice manners. Only real giveaway is the sometimes strange eye contact(or lack of) and total intensity given to any subject, even mundane stuff like "I'm thinking of getting some curtains...", only to be given an hour long lecture about them.

Anyhow, he has no difficulty picking up girls, and the relationships tend to start off well. I remember this particularly nice woman. Everything was right. He liked her, the sex was great, she thought he was wonderful.

Then he went off on jury duty for a fortnight. Next thing I know, jury duty's over, and he's dumped her. What went wrong? Well, apparently "She kept on calling him", during the jury duty fortnight. From her point of view, she was carrying on with the normal call volume.
From his point of view, he was doing something else, she didn't fit in with that new routine, so why wouldn't she just vanish until it was convenient again? Of course, he didn't actually tell her this, not that it would have gone down too well, I suspect.

SporadSpontan- Wow, abandoned everything just like that? Do you still hold a job? I don't know that I would want to become a total hermit, or if it's even possible with the amount of people I know, but I am happy for you that you are enjoying the way your life has gone

SilentScream- lololol I am pretty much exactly like your friend as you described him, minus the whole dating scene thing which again, I find more work than necessary in my (albeit limited) experience. Makes me feel like such a dick sometimes I love my friends unconditionally, but if I don't have like a 1+ day notice via text message (only answer phone calls if I'm in the mood), you can pretty much count on me using my exceptionally well-practiced BS skills (my BS'ing ability comes from the fact that my entire social life is fake.. The price I must pay in order to be friends with NT's) to smooth over whatever storyline I come up with in explaining how busy I am

hey Spuddy - yeah, it was just like that but I didn't really have a choice at the time. I don't know if this is physiologically possible but it was like I had totally totally burnt up all my stores of adrenalin and just fell flat. It was very severe. I don't have a job these days because my level of functioning doesn't allow for it. Mostly I'm lucky to just do the things necessary for survival. And because of the scene I was in I knew a lot of people as well - so there were a lot of people to abandon. But I'm pretty much an expert at 'burning bridges' lol!

Over the years I've had brief episodes of higher functioning where I've attempted to work and interact with people again. But it's never lasted more than 3-6 weeks before the meltdowns took over again.

As for dating (seeing as this is the forum for it lol!) it's not like I haven't been tempted. In my more functioning moments when I've been back out in the world there's been guys that have tried hitting on me (I'm female by the way) but I just let my head rule and think about the effort required with that sort of thing. It's been very effective for keeping me free thus far!

I was only ever in one long-term relationship (because I always got bored very quickly!) and I lived with the guy for almost a year. And it was hell. He was so clingy and suffocating and I found his extroversion and lower intelligence incredibly frustrating. I tried breaking up numerous times but I was pretty messed-up and unfortunately didn't have the strength to follow through with it.

Obviously I eventually got out of it - but I reckon that even if the person had have been more 'suitable' I think the elements of the relationship still would have been unbearable for me. The partner may vary but relationship rules don't vary that much. So I think once you've been in one relationship you've been in them all. So I won't go back.

As for the hermit lifestyle - I have my thoughts and beliefs to keep me company. And I'm never ever lonely! I still appreciate interaction with others - but only on my own terms. Once about a year ago this guy asked to sit down and chat with me on a park bench somewhere. I told him that was okay but that I would tell him when it was time to go. And I did. So interactions like that work for me. It's too bad if they don't work for the other person though! lol

I wish you the best of luck with this Spuddy and hope you don't burn out like I did. I've sometimes been disapproving of 'social skills training' that seems to be pushed onto aspies these days because of my experiences of trying too hard in this department. It's probably stuffed me for life! Although I do have some happy memories as well I guess.

(Sorry for the excessive information here by the way..... I don't get out much! lol)