The number one problem with dating (Aspies and NTs)

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The number one problem is self-inflicted...detachment from reality. Women complain that there are no good guys out there, but what they really mean is "There aren't any good guys that have the physical appearance that I like." Same thing with guys. Guys complain that there are no decent girls out there and that women are mean to them, but what they really mean is "The really hot, popular girls that all the guys want don't like me." Most people's problem, in other words, is that the type of person they're dating or want to date isn't right for them, or they want what they can't have.

There's a particular poster on here who always complains about how unlovable he is. What makes him think a woman would want him? While I wish depression on no one since I know firsthand what it is like, people don't want to be around downers, even a downer that looks like a model. Sure, the depressed model might get some attention from a woman, but she would leave him when she realized he wasn't in a good mood.

I think people would be happier if they faced reality and said "This is who I am, and this is the type of person I can get" and more importantly "This is the type of person I'd get along with."

If a woman wants a good guy and is serious about it, stop dating the jerks that beat you and cheat on you and treat you like crap and go for that guy that might not be as sexy but will treat you right. If guys want a date, stop fantasizing about that blonde with the big breasts that laughs at you everytime she sees you and go for that quiet girl at the bookstore.

If most people of the opposite sex find you physically unattractive, find someone of the opposite sex who knows what it's like and you two can have whining parties together.

I think people are their own worst enemies.

Lot of women are shallw, they go for rich guys, jerks, and good looking men. They won't go for a guy who will treat them right and accept them. In fact they will turn down an innocent man who has low income and will accept anyone for who they are and treats everyone right. My husband was lucky to find me. I've always wanted a guy who be different than other people because I figured he'd treat me right and accept me. But then I decided to not limit myself and who cares if the man be normal or not, just as long as he is the right guy for me. My hubby doesn't have AS but he has traits and can relate to the condition and to me.
We're both anti social and not a people person. We don't have any friends. He isn't the best looking man on earth but he is the best man I ever found.

Men are the same way. That's my point. Both sides suck. When I was younger, I was depressed like some of the guys on here that the "really hot, popular girl" didn't want me or thought I was a loser. It's a lot better dating a cute, regular girl that actually lets you be yourself and likes you for yourself.

My point is that a lot of people want what isn't right for them.

First of all, if you're going to use an example of me, just mention my name... I'm used to that kind of treatment anyway...

Second, you seem to think that "hot girls" are the only thing I go for. Most of what other people find hot, I generally find annoying (although that isn't always the case, but generally it fits). My ex, for example, wasn't the best looking woman ever (she had a bit of weight on her as well; although not as fat as me, she wasn't a rail either...) And she had a bit of a depression problem herself. To be honest, i found that a little attractive (especially since she was willing to give me a chance), and that attraction instantly boosted how she looked to me (if I become attracted to any woman, regardless of how she looks in comparison to other women, she becomes the most beautiful lady i have ever seen)...

Yes, Toad I was referring to you, but I'm talking about people in general, Aspies on this site and NTs. And I think you could easily get a girlfriend similar to yourself if you put your mind to it.

I have limits as well like a lot of people. Every "really hot" girl I've ever went for, online especially, has thought I was some sort of loser or weirdo, not because of the Aspergers, but because I'm not a typical guy and will talk about whatever I feel like talking about. Add in the fact that I'm not a "really hot" guy, just a decent looking guy and not the partying type on top of it, and I have no business (and wouldn't get along anyway) with that type of woman.

This post wasn't made as an attack on you, Toad, it was meant for other people, men and women, on this forum as well. While there's nothing wrong with being picky and not taking anyone that looks in your direction, there are people on here, a few guys in particular (not you, Toad) that have very high, unrealistic standards and don't have anything to back it up.

Hello everyone, I just found these forums while randomly browsing, and am a new member, this is my first post, I agree with the first poster, in that going for whats 'hot' on its own will very rarely find you a meaningful relationship, and certainly up until you leave high school, it will be rare to find someone willing to understand who you are, I know I didnt have my first proper relationship up until my first year of university, though that one didnt end well.. but 3 years later, and I have been in my second relationship for a year now, and its going much better, I met someone at one of the societies I am part of, and our common interests is what makes us get along so well, I am always open about my AS with the people who I meet, and she takes extra steps to try to understand me, shes even reading books and things, I am very happy, I also agree with Toad, in that once I become attracted to someone, they become more beatiful than anything else, I also look past small things, if they have a few spots, or have acne, or anything like that, overlook it, such things are passing, and will go away, what matters is the unchanging things, I mean, shape of face, nose, cheekbones, height (ignore weight, that changes too), as long as those things appeal to you, the rest doesnt matter, just get to know them first, make sure they are willing to accept your Autism or AS right from the word go (even if its as a friend at first). Its what I do, and sure, I get a lot of girls who then dont want to get any closer than friends (or try to keep their distance) but this just helps sort the bad from the good. Try and find common ground, similar interests are the foundation of me and my girlfriends relationship, dont try to rush them, always make sure to move at their pace, let them decide what they want to do, but tell them if you dont want to do something, that way, you wont go too far with things, and they will appreciate you for it.

I have found a lot of women go for 'hot guys' who are often mean to them and only want to use them to feed their ego, I try to talk them out of it, but they dont listen, but the same is true for guys going for b*****s, trust me, ive fallen into that trap once before.

And as I said, I cannot stress enough, if you dont have a common interest, or an interest that they havent tried, but want to, its not likely to work, for me at least I have a lot of focus on my interests, and have a great deal of trouble doing much outside them, take this into account.

Phew, that was a long rant, but its something I have had experience with, and I hope my input comes in useful

I agree in that the well adjusted are the truly beautiful and that should be the first matter of course. Finding someone you can be attracted to is part of sealing the deal of course for making sure you have the motivation and desire to be there, but for everyone above board for you - personality and compatability need to be the crux of things.

this argument is very true but some women are just very shallow and it really frustrates me.....

I don't know about the rest of you guys, but the most obvious problem for me has always been that there haven't been enough women. Supposedly half of all people are female, but in my school and college environments they've always been in the minority and I can guarantee any women I look at (which is about half of the women that are there) is also looked at by several of the other single men in my classes at one time. I could still have tried to make more opportunities for myself by branching out socially, which is not usually something I am anxious to do, but at the moment this is not possible due to the workload and being in a country where I don't speak the language.

If your social circles are largely male and your work environment or college classes are male-dominated, this may go some way to explain why you're still single.

If the girls are shallow then dress nice (you might need professional help, or your mom/sister to help you dress), work out, practice telling a story or two to your friends and perfect that story, and try to present yourself more attractive and respectable.

I do agree with the OP. There is another poster, Aspie1 maybe???, who embraced this point of view wholeheartedly and turned his fortunes around with it. Perhaps he'll read this and weigh in with an "it worked for me" post as he sometimes does.

I think this is a problem with our society as a whole - dating as we know it is only a 100 years old or so. relationships happened for very different reasons for many 100's of years prior to that. they were more like a partnership in life - a business deal that grew to love a real founded help each other in life love.

Hollywood has sold us a bill of good and the average person has bought into it. just as they buy into the latest car, the biggest house, the newest and coolest gadget,

None of those things give a person value - Integrity, honor, respect, compassion those traits are barely understood by the young people today let alone valued as worthy of waiting for

this is the instant gratification world now - If you dont make me Happy in 1 year I am on to the next ... or one week - or they just want to have fun now, No real concerns about the longevity of the relationship.

how many movies do we see that they are in bed and in love in the first week - Does that really work not for most of us.

we all have our own issues whether they are neuro - or emotional due to being mis treated .

the questions then are can you live with the persons issues and quirks? and can they live with yours?

The issue of unrealistic expectations may the the main reason any neurotypical men have problems finding a suitable date, but in case of Aspies I'd say the gap in communication styles between male Aspies and female NTs is just too great to be succesfully crossed in most cases.

Hanging around in mostly male social circles and feelings of insecurity are probably the second main reasons.