Approaching a girl who doesn't know a thing about you

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I was sort of torn between which medium to ask this in (especially given the ubiquity of such questions), but I felt this was the best place to go. Probably since anywhere else I would be met by trollish replies and Savage-types who think that a sufficient amount of effort on my part can "cure" myself and I'd be NT. But, people here are uniquely aware of my condition. Additionally I know there are NT girls who hang out here because they have aspies in their family.

Firstly, my parents think I have AS. I went to a psychologist who said I probably have Pervasive Developmental Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. Apparently, my symptoms aren't severe enough to be AS. But, he was a young Veteran's Affairs psychologist, so he had little experience in fields outside of PTSD. This was about 2 months ago, quite a thing to find out at 23.

Anyways, yesterday (Dec 23) I went to buy a new watchband at Wal-Mart while I was doing some christmas shopping (gift cards all-around, take that NTs). The girl in the jewelry department actually offered to install the thing for me. I have bought watchbands before, so I was surprised by her offer because I was expecting to take an hour of my own time installing it, or taking it to a jewelers. Despite the fact that they were incredibly busy she took the 5 minutes to install it. During the exchange I was very calm and collected, she probably had no idea I had the hots for her (outside of regular guy sexual urges). When I checked-out for the gift cards at the main checkout lines I asked the cashier if there was some card I could fill out to compliment a fellow worker. She said I should probably just speak to the manager, because it sends a stronger message, which I did. She undoubtably will hear about the compliment she got from "the guy she installed the watchband for". The cashier then immediately became incredibly polite and stated she knew the girl and she was "really nice".

The thing is I don't know where to go from here. She works in the jewelry department, usually the place you go to get stuff if you have a girl, and I don't want her to think I want something on the side. But, they do stock men's watches that I can't afford. The only thing I think I can do to show I'm interested is to show up to the jewelry department where she is cashiering with a bottle of flavored water or something. That would send the message "I want you as my cashier". Obviously, I can only get away with this 2 or 3 times without becoming a creep. She may not even recognize me, they were busy.

Also, I have scored many first-dates. As a matter-of-fact my AIM buddy list is filled with them. Basically they find out on the first date I'm pretty bizarre (or boring and "overly logical") and end it there. But, I am amicable enough to "just be friends". I am 24 and scored my first relationship when I was 23, and it ended months later when we moved in and she discovered I liked autonomy more than intimacy, and she is also on my AIM buddy-list. It was not until months later that I discovered I was part of the autism spectrum and have since learned I need to work on my communication and social skills more. But, not to brag, I am quite good-looking, when girls talk about how all the good-looking guys are gay or "have no personality" I consider myself part of the latter complaint. I have a tendency to derail conversations. For example, if a girl were to talk about cooking with nutmeg, I'll interject "Did you know you can get high off of nutmeg?". Yes, I have both intejected that and gotten high off of nutmeg (not at the same time).

I normally don't do this (meaning inquiring about cashiers) for hot girls at checkout lines. My tattoo artist remarked that even though she spent 18 hours collectively on work on my left arm I never hit on her once, apparently it's quite common for guys to do that. What struck me was she (the cashier) was so nice, and that her niceness didn't seem forced.

I also feel weird about approaching girls that I don't know for a fact are single. Additionally I am 24 y/o male and she looked about 20 or 21, but she could possibly be lesbian or jail-bait. I have inquired with some of my friends and no-one works there and who could confirm anything for me.

*EDIT Yes, I have read datesage's advice thread, but I can't differentiate being the "Alpha Male" to being an "@ss". I'm not quite sure which move is too bold or too subtle.

I dunno what to say other than quite a few of us aspies have problems talking, hell I know a few NT friends of mine that are the same way.

Okay, every watch band I've purchased has been installed by the seller - just so you know, that's expected. It doesn't mean that this girl wasn't a very nice girl - but you should consider that she would have installed the watch band for any customer - it really is her job.

That said, who's to say she wouldn't be interested in you? I absolutely wouldn't advise showing up with gifts (like bottled water)....if she were your sister, would you want her accepting beverages from men she didn't know? Probably not. I suggest being more direct: after the holidays (when she's won't be busy working), why not stop by, tell her that she really made in impression on you (taking the time to install your watch band), and ask her if she'd like to join you for a cup of coffee at Starbucks? She'll understand that you'd like to get to know her better, a cup of coffee in a public place is a very non-threatening situation....if she accepts, don't talk about things that can get you high, okay? Good luck.

I know how you feel. I was in a relationship for about a year, and he was slightly bothered and saddened by the fact that I didn't make eye contact or wasn't very good at saying "I love you". like you said with AIM, we were always just better off as friends.

I can understand the whole "unrequited" crush situation too.

Asperger's is very hard to detect among adults by NT psychologists because most of them have only a limited understanding of what Asperger's really is. I was only diagnosed as "gifted" because i had fairly decent understanding of social interaction, because I had a well-paid job, a girlfriend and several friends and the psychologist in question deemed that impossible for someone with AS. She couldnt give any other reasons not to diagnose me with Asperger's, even though I have all the symptoms.

The problem is that high IQ (my IQ is 135) allows one to bypass Aspie limitations by means of abstract logic. The older you get, the better you get at it. Thus, the older you get the more Neurotypical you seem to neurotypical people unless they're really close to you (you will never be ale to his your symptoms for your best friends and lover).



Maybe you could go casually to the store when it's quiet, you go up to her, you tell her you appreciated her effort helping you, that she made quite an impression and that you wonder if she might want to go out with you. It's pretty direct, but I wouldn't know what else to do in that situation. You'll immediately know if she's interested, though, plus you'll make a good impression if you can manage to pull off appearing self-confident. Women look for self-confident men.



How did you meet those girls? I met many interesting girls/women online but I only met them in real life when I had talked enough with them online for them to develop feelings. That makes it a lot easier to make a good impression when you see each other in real life as it is much easier to make a good first impression when she already is attracted to your online personality. Most of my exes I met this way.



That's a common Aspie trait. I do the same, although I've learned to do it less than I used to.



You probably see your tattoo artist as someone you have a mere professional relationship with and feel no interest in flirting with her because of that. Although this is a very individual thing, it does seem Aspie-related.



Another Aspie trait. Aspies have no empathy or intuition, so we have to deduct pretty much everything logically. The more information you have, the more reliable your assessment of any social situation will be and thus the more confident you are.



It seems the trick is to be self-confident without being arrogant or blunt. It's a very thin line at times, but I guess we can eventually get there if only we practice enough......

Not to cast another shadow on this, but cashiers (and basically anybody who works in retail or sales) are paid to be nice. That brings customers back in to the store. Cashier girls are some of the only girls on the planet that are nice to me from the start, because of that being in the job description...

Damn, you've got issues.

When I was in high school I was the only guy in a class full of girls and pretty much all of them hated me, so don't think I don't understand your sentiment. I just grew out of it, once I learnt how to socially interact with women. You should too.

@ Hopegrows

I was just shocked she offered because she was the only one working the station and she had a line of impatient customers, it was the holiday rush. That and I never had someone ask that when I buy bands before when they aren't busy. Oh, and I wasn't offering her water, I was just saying I would get cashed out by her for the water, when normally people go to the main checkout for items like that. Regardless, you're right and I need to be more direct and not simply drop hints.

@Salonfilosoof

Thanks for the analyzation, I don't know these things unless people point them out to me. And yes, I met many girls online, what bothers me is the Wal-Mart clerk didn't have a profile telling me anything about her or anything about me.
^Another aspie trait

@Everyone

Thanks for your time, attention and sympathy

Don't worry. As Aspies, we're used to that.



Sometimes you just have to improvise, I guess.....

Anyway.... If you meet a girl online, IM wih her for several hours about a week to a month on a daily basis before you meet each other and if your conservations are really personal you're likely to have already gained her interest before you ever see her irl. It's how I met most of my ex-girlfriends.

Don't go talk to this girl, forget it. Nowadays when I talk to girls I have a reason. It's either in a classroom or somewhere that I have or wanna be and I just talk to them like I talk to guys. Many of them ask me what they should do about guys they don't like who text them all the time, and I say "Tell them u don't wanna talk to them"...well my main topic when i talk to anyone is people not replying.

Just forget about talking to her unless u have a reason, or unless you're in some type of group, because all ur gonna do is make urself frustrated when...i repeat WHEN she's not interested in u. Because the fact that you are thinking about approaching her is gonna make u nervous. And she knows that you're approaching her for that reason and she probably get guys doing it all the time, and then here's another guy who she is just ready to turn down.

Not because u have asperger's, or because of ur social skills but because ur just another guy outta the bunch. She doesn't know that you have asperger's, therefore she is less sensitive to the fact. Even if ur social skills are/were good...idk I never met u, u'd still have the same problem.

Loosen up and enjoy life, and like they always say there's more to life than women/men....and it's not just a saying, it's true. Just enjoy your time here and forget about approaching the girl.

@MJackson

While I find your post dis-heartening, I also think you're very accurate. I can actually be quite bold, I've approached schoolmates before and eventually asked for dates but have been turned down in favor of "just friends" and some of them are actually very good friends. I do share your belief that she, as a very attractive girl, gets a lot of attention as a cashier and gets advances, I also think she is worth a shot. I probably am like any other guy, she may not even remember me, it was a busy day.

I do share your belief that there is life beyond relationships. Sometimes I even wonder that if I really care about the girl, if I should stay out of her life so I don't submit her to my obsessions and ignoral. But, I am conflicted and that conflict between autonomy and intimacy pulls me back.

I do appreciate the fact you are looking into my best interest, I thank you for that.

Well you seem very charming and funny to me.

I'd have to say - - what about a type of interaction that enables you to communicate via email? My husband is an aspie and literally we STILL communicate email a lot. We emailed for 12 years in forum prior to our first date. (No. Really.) In fact, I will get these witty, funny, sexy emails and think "Wow who is THIS guy!?" Oh, yes! This guy! I remember! He's MY guy. He is also sarcastic and funny and very clever in person, but he has a delay to process and submit it. Also, sometimes in person it goes terribly wrong and he hurts someone's feelings and stands there like "wha?" The delay over email I don't feel (or the weirdness of "I know an interesting thing about nutmeg....") because it's email. Depends on the girl too - quirkiness is hot to me, and I would love the nutmeg-high story. I'm just like that. Wouldn't bother me a bit, so it's just a crap shoot.

Is there a possibility you could give her a small, cleverly worded card, with your name and email and a quick paragraph - she helped you with a watch, you have thought about her since and find her kind and attractive, would she like to meet for coffee? (I agree very much the "meet for coffee at a crowded Starbucks" is a good plan for a stranger date).

Hey I'm just pointing out a pattern I've experienced in life... cashiers are the ones that will be nice to you no matter what, because getting your business is what matters to their employer...

If, on the other hand, you saw this girl as she was getting off of work and leaving the store (not saying sit outside the store and wait for her, that would be creepy), and she acted just as nice to you then as she did while she was on the clock, as it were, then it's more liekly to be genuine...

Red, I think MJ is right. If you aren't sensitive and take rejection well, go for it, but when it gets back to her that she was complimented on her service, and you come back in and ask her out, it will creep her out. And like MJ said, it isn't because you have Aspergers, or don't have social skills and you probably aren't bad looking like you say. If anything, she'll go home to her boyfriend or her friends and say "Some weird customer asked me out at work today." If you don't mind being "that guy" all the more power to you.

I guess I should try putting more humor in my mails. My last ex-girlfriend and I also communicated a lot both via email and Live Messenger. In fact, for five months I only talked to her on the phone about twice and practically daily via MSN or Live Messenger (except during weekends, when I was with her).



He does sound like your typical high-functioning Aspie, alright! Especially when I'm in a spontaneous mood people seem to like my humor (when I try to be funny, it often appears forced), however the downside of being spontaneous is that as an Aspie you easily miss out on social cues you would pick up if you avoided spontaneity. Since narcotic substances like alcohol and marihuana tend to stimulate spontaneous behavior, this is an extra reason to watch out with them (besides the greater threat for addiction among Aspies)



All women should be like you



I never noticed cashiers being nicer than other women I met. In fact, when I was in Poland I was shocked by the unfriendliness of some of the cashiers I encountered. Maybe it's a cultural thing.

I agree!