Girlfriend's Disappearing Act

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I got a really unusual situation (then again, maybe not so unusual). I've been with my girlfriend (let's call her N) since early January this year. We got along great, went places, and had good times together. So I asked her to celebrate Valentine's Day with me. The weekend after Valentine's Day, me and her went out to dinner at a nice restaurant, then went back to her place, and well... did the after-dinner activities . Now it doesn't get interesting until after that.

Next day, I try to call N and tell her I had a good time. Dialed the number, got her voicemail. I left a message, but she didn't call me back. I tried calling two days later, same thing. I waited another week, then sent her an e-mail; she didn't write back. Sent another e-mail a week later, still didn't get a response. At that point, I assumed that was N's way of breaking up with me, so I thought: "oh well, if she's gone, she's gone". Obviously, I was a little upset, but you can't change the way someone feels about you.

Now fast-forward to yesterday, and guess what I find in my inbox? A e-mail from N! It said that she lost my number while moving to another apartment, and that she was in the hospital for a day. The tone of writing was quite matter-of-fact and unapologetic, acting like nothing is wrong. This raises a question. How is it possible to lose someone's number and internet access? Even if she didn't have a computer at home, she could have used one at her work or the library. Relationships are about reliability and disappearing without notice is simply wrong. Now I'm considering breaking up with N, and she's already an ex-girlfriend as far as my feelings are concerned.

What do you guys think I should do about this? N is/was my first real girlfriend, and I liked spending time with her, but what she did is just wrong! Any advice/input will help.

TALK to her... sit her down and share your feeling about it all... i take it she knows you are Aspie, so she should know you find understanding people difficult...

if she seems disinterested then you will know what its all about


Love is risk

Drop her immediately and don't look back. Either you did something that upset her and she dropped you rather than talk about it, in which case she's so silly she thinks it won't happen again if she comes back (recipe for disaster) or she was with someone else during that time. Either way, this is bad sign and you need to drop her.

i had something like this done to me , put up with it and got back together eventually and then later she did the same thing again just dissapearing , not answering calls or emails.

from my experience then If it happend to me again I would dump the offending party like a shot.

Whatever you do put your own sanity and peace of mind first. If all she has to offer is lame excuses as to why she couldnt get in touch your probably better off out of there anyway.

I totally agree with this... I instantly thought, nope, let her go, I am thinking she lied about losing your email addy etc...maybe went with someone else, found it didn't work out and wants to crawl back to you.

Thanks, everyone. I was thinking the same thing, although I did have a bit of a dilemma over this. One of my friends went as far as saying that N (the girl) was using me, since I was paying for everything on dates. I don't know if she was using me outright, since used to drive or take the train for an hour just to come see me. But when she disappeared like that, it really made me question her integrity. But if anyone has more comments or opinions about this, by all means post them. I'm really stuck, and any advice will help.

AS is not in the equation here; I never mentioned it to her, and she doesn't seem like an aspie either. I am planning to sit her down and tell her how I feel about the disappearing act. However, I'll probably end up breaking up with her or telling her I just want to be friends. (She was fun to spend time with, and since I won't be paying for her anymore, I can truly test her integrity.)

Well, maybe you should at least explain to her that other people don't always make sense to you. Frankly, I don't think that I could drop anyone, but if you're going to make that decision, make damned sure that you know all the facts first.

Here's the deal. How many guys, NT or Aspie, do you know who know women? All of my women friends and aquaintances are NT with the exception of one. Based on that and their incessant NT gossip, I am telling you straight out that she was either greatly offended by something you did or she had someone else who left so she's back to you because for girls it is better than being alone. If you offended her and she walked off like that, it will happen again. Girls, especially NT girls, assume you should know which no guy ever does, NT or Aspie. (I would know having five brothers. Men do not get it.) So, she's going to test you, you are going to fail again and she'll be even more angry this time and dump you again.

I see it every day of the week with women. If you take her back, you are going to get hurt worse the next time. Even if you talk to her, women never believe what men tell them and always think they know "what you really mean."

She's deceitful and using you. Get rid of her.

i guess a woman like ZanneMarie probably knows better than me, i deffer to her better judgement

Catty. Look, maybe she has issues of her own. Maybe you did do something which pissed her off, and she's off sulking. Maybe that's no good for you. Fine. For me, I'd rather have all that stuff out in the open, and then make a decision. Maybe she cares a lot, and got badly hurt through something you just don't understand - maybe a talk about some of your difficulties could help. No one knows ALL women (or men) - each has to be treated individually, and since there is some connection there, I'd give it some chance. Then again, maybe girls fall at your feet, and you sweep them away regularly - then the advice Zanne gives is fine, I guess. I've never been in that position.

I have an update for you all. I broke up with her. I wanted to meet her in person to do the break-up, but I had to do it over the phone. It kind of rude, I know, but I'd rather do it quickly and painlessly for both parties involved, rather than drag it out and lead her on in the process. She's stuck at home for the next week or so, due to recovering from a broken bone (she told me). Anyway, it turns out she was telling me the truth, at least about losing her phone (with all the numbers) while moving, and about being in the hospital for a day. Although it explains her actions, it doesn't excuse them (analogous to AS and how we act in public). And I can't be in a relationship with someone who can't take a few minutes to tell me she's doing OK. I didn't even know if she was safe, let alone know if she still likes me, and her safety was far more important to me.

In my opinion, disappearing from someone's life without notice or explanation is wrong on so many levels. If she told me right away, I would have waited for her, helped her move, even bring her food while she's recovering. The important thing is for her to communicate what's going on in her life, so I can help her, as opposed to just sit around worrying why I can't get in touch with her. So I didn't break up with her for my own convenience. I cared about her a lot, and when she disappeared like that, it sent me a very bad message: that she doesn't care about me as much as I care(d) about her.

She sounded pretty upset when I broke the news to her, but I feel I did the right thing. If I took her back, the resentment over the disappearing act wouldn't go away. It would be buried in my subconscious, and find its way into arguments. Also, as some of you have pointed out, this could be a part of her personality, and she might not see anything wrong with it. In which case, it makes me and her incompatible outright.

You should have given her a second chance. If she did it again, then I could see your point. She broke a bone! (which one?) It might have been painful and difficult for her to go and use a computer. She was probably on medication and disoriented. After all, she can't even come down and see you, so it makes sense that she couldn't get to a computer.

Meh....anyway, its your life, so I can't say it was the wrong decision.

well there's no going back now.

It was a hairline fracture on the calf bone, so typing wouldn't be a problem in this case. Also, she didn't injure it until fairly recently, and the last time I saw her was on February 15th. So between then and the day she got injured, she had an opportunity to get in touch with me at least somehow. But for one reason or another, she didn't, and it really hurt me. I spent weeks wracking my brain about why she'd just stop talking to me, only to get an e-mail where she acted like nothing was wrong. I'm not saying she's a bad person; however, mine and her perceptions of a good relationship don't mesh. I believe in seeing the person regularly; she seems fine with seeing the person once a month.

If I were in her situation, I'd let my girlfriend know what's going on, if I won't be able to talk to her for a whole month; I'd even ask a friend to log into my account and send a message for me. Obviously, purely as a difference of opinion, she doesn't see it this way. And we all know what it's like to care more about someone else than they care about you. So it was better to break up now, before the relationship became serious. In the end, the post-breakup pain won't be as strong, and she can find the relationship that fits her perception better. As for me, I'm going to stay away from relationships, maybe even dating altogether, for at least another month.

Hey, you've got the IC as your avitar. You must be right. (unless someone comes along with the SLSF).

That's a very healthy attitude to take. I think you were right in expecting what you did from her. It wasn't a high expectation, it was a normal one.



I was thinking the same thing about why she didn't have a friend log in or have the phone company send a statement because the phone was lost. Your phone number would have been on it and she could have checked to make sure no one else was using it.

But, in the end you are taking the logical road. If you have problems at that basic level of communication it doesn't bode well.

If you find the right fit Aspie1, I would give it another try. Not all women are like her (even NT women). One good way to spot a careless person is to watch how they treat their friends. In her case, you would read about her interactions with friends. If you start to see careless, selfish actions with them, most likely you will see that in how she deals with you.