What drives you to pursue love?

Post Reply New Topic

I know this is a very basic question, but I wanted to know the reasons why my fellow aspie brethren search for love, often amid rejection, disappointment, and resentment. I know there must be many reasons why, but I'm interested in hearing what you have to say. I believe that loneliness stems from a lack of priorities in life, which I will explain later on.

As for myself, I've had a whole change of heart concerning this whole "searching for love" ordeal. I was greatly influenced by a post that a member put on here, entitled "Is love worth the trouble?". I believe the member's screen name was dddhhg, or something like that. He basically asked why we pursue love so much when we can use the same energy that we spend looking for love for other pursuits: hobbies/interests, careers, learning, etc. He made an excellent point.

I've done a lot of stuff to ease my loneliness. I started off online dating in high school, because none of the girls I was attracted liked me back. I asked out a bunch of girls back in middle school and high school and was rejected every single time. In college, I went to both free and pay online dating services, looking to meet a girl. I was ignored there as well, which was a waste of about $110 total. Recently, in desperation, I was reading books like the "Mystery Method" and other pick up artist books. I realize all these efforts were exercises in futility.

I understand now that searching for love IS NOT the solution to loneliness. In fact, in life's priorities, it is the LAST thing that you need to do (this being my opinion). The most important goals in life are in this order (like I said, in my opinion): Get an education in a field that is marketable, find a job in that field and earn enough money to live on your own successfully, build friendships with co-workers and friends (after you have a career in a field), invest time and energy into personal hobbies/interests and FIND people who share the same interests and SOCIALIZE with them. I'm sure if you find people who share the same interests/hobbies as you do, you'll more than likely meet a member of the opposite sex with whom you are compatible with. If you guys do well as friends, you might go on to the next level, who knows?

I know the problem I had was that I was so focused on trying to find love, that it became the dominant goal and domineering pursue in my life, instead of establishing a base to work off of. That base is to be financially secure and let everything else follow. Is it not true that women like confident guys, who have goals and plans in life, and are stable, both financially and mentally? And by establishing a base financially, and after establishing that base, then pursuing friendships and relationships, you have a system that works. I know the part about creating and maintaining friendships with co-workers and friends might be difficult to do for a lot of aspies, but with work it can be done. After all, I'm autistic, and once I get to know people, I shed my introverted skin and become an extroverted clown.

I can't help but to think that the problem is that people who are lonely pursue love without establishing a secure base from which to work off of. It is like they think that by taking care of their loneliness, all their other problems will be taken care of. I won't deny that feeling loneliness is a physical and psychological thing, however I think if you start with the right base and build up, you can't go wrong.

I'm the member that you're referring to, and I find it amazing how much our experiences parallel each other. The thing is, though, that most NTs seem very adept at doing both things simultaneously: building a love life and a career. Why do Aspies seem to fail at this more often? And I'm not at all sure that Aspies will be more attractive to women (NT women at any rate) if they are 100K+ earning PhDs. Anecdotal evidence seems to suggest the opposite. In the end, women don't seem to want merely rich men or learned men, but men that have the social skills to please and at the same time intrigue them. Incidentally, those are the same social skills that are helpful in establishing a career and a position for oneself in society. That's why I'm arguing that, for some of the more seriously socially impaired men at least, love may not be worth the effort at all, not even after building a successful career. The latter would then have to be established not through social "virtuosity" but through skills that are more inherent to the job one does. I believe many of the more socially affected Aspies can and do excel in jobs that require little social interaction yet call for deep knowledge and consummate talent in a particular field. But only a minority will ever excel in the game called Love. Most will just attain a "passing grade", if any.

Last edited by dddhgg on 03 Jan 2010, 6:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I'm not looking at all, I just want to experience it one day though to see what it's like.

idiocy

Optimism

I avoid it now, but it used to define my existence, the pursuit of love. I suppose I could say that it still does in that avoiding it alters my life so much, I'll have to think about that one. But there are several factors to why it has been so important to me. Nothing in this world, and especially not things like career or money, has come even close to mattering to me as much as romantic love.

Going back to the development phase that likely had a lot to do with later life behavior, I would say the parental abandonment issues, especially with father, contributed to a general lack of any filial emotions for me. I just don't really care about my blood relatives, and the abuse afterwards was only icing on that particular cake.

I never went through that typical boy phase of not liking girls. I was always falling for the girls at a very young age, I could never really help it. One girl would just always alter my landscape. I could not avoid her gravity. I had to learn over time to pick a little better and try to learn more control, because sometimes that led to inappropriate or scandalous attractions.

In reading I was always fascinated and enriched by romantic love. And so I gravitated towards that type of literature, and in so doing, nurtured that side of my feelings even more. I even went through several phases during my life of learning how to be more of a viable "Prince" for someone. Teaching myself various ways to spoil a princess, basically.

There are sexual reasons as well, because that is a wonderful experience. And I should list it here for accuracy and honesty, since for me, I cannot help but fall for a woman that I have that type of a relationship with. I don't think anyone is wrong for not equating the two, but for me they go hand in hand.

I think the major reason is this though. I want someone who actually knows who I am completely, to love me for who I am. I've never had that, and at this point I don't think I ever will. So those are the most concise way for me to describe my feelings about it, and the reason for stopping and avoiding is that I kept on getting shattered.

Very interesting analysis. However, I would argue that women, especially when women get older, are looking for guys with financial stability to settle down with. I would reason that girls around our age (20-28 or so), are not technically ready to settle down and start a family yet. They are probably interested in just having fun and learning from their relationships. That is what I've heard a lot from other members on this site as well.

Now as for successful aspies who do very well financially, I would agree that NT women won't find them particularly attractive. However, I would argue that the reason why they might not find aspie guys attractive is NOT because of their education and flourishing careers. I think it has to do strictly with their lack of social skills, which might make them come across as reclusive, arrogant, and unsure of themselves. I think wealth/financial security, and independence comes across as attractive to women, especially older women who are looking to settle down, but I think women also want social skills in guys too. But as you said, these skills can be learned via pursuing a career and establishing connections socially.

As for this: "That's why I'm arguing that, for some of the more seriously socially impaired men at least, love may not be worth the effort at all, not even after building a successful career. The latter would then have to be established not through social "virtuosity" but through skills that are more inherent to the job one does". I would argue that even seriously socially impaired aspie guys CAN learn, no matter how difficult it may come. After all Autism is a neurological disorder that impairs one's success at social interactions, it is not mental retardation, in which the individual has a very low I.Q. and has less success at learning. Therefore, these social skills can be learned, because aspies have great capabilities when it comes to learning and obsessing over certain things/skills.

I believe that even if you have done well financially (by well, I mean surviving comfortable, not being rich, although being rich is a possibility), that there are certain needs that have to be meet in some form or another, and the need for love and affection is one of those. NT's and some more social inclined aspies, as I believe, have a safety net. When they don't meet that special someone and are having trouble dating, they have their friends and family to fill their love and belonging needs, more importantly with their friends, who are their social peers and whom they can relate to. However, some aspies, whom are not socially inclined and are more reclusive, don't have or utilize their safety net.

Aspies like these, even with financial stability, have to, in some form or another, satisfy their need for love and affection. If they can't get their needs meet in conventional ways, like hanging out with friends, dating, spending a lot of time with family, they will find alternative ways to cope. They might cope by wallowing in self pity because they are depressed, indulging in sexual addictions (like soliciting prostitutes, looking at porn, excessive masturbation, etc), or trying to get dates and coming off as needy and desperate. As nice as it would be to merely ignore and forget your physical attraction to the opposite sex, I think unless God helps you to be celibate, you just can't do it on your own. So love is a need that needs to be satisfied, in one form or another, however I think to get to that point, you have to build yourself up financially so that you will have money, social connections, and time to commit to these things.

How about just the basic human feeling of being close to someone that you can share your life with?
That warmth of the soul and spirit that only a significant other can bring. That feeling of not being alone in a strange world.

insanity, I think.

I don't know, I think I have had my 'great love', years ago. I don't know if it will happen again for me.

I feel similar to Descartes in many ways, especially the above. I'm an NT woman and I'm sure there are other women out there who feel the same - Wanting someone to know you warts and all and not run away.

I suppose you have to let them see your warts for this to happen. And you also need to reciprocate, right? Are you able to stay in love with someone who is not perfect and makes mistakes? That's the hard part.

The sad part is that many people basically want the same thing but we all have the wrong glasses on and we can't see each other.

How to correct the vision.....?

Stupid, stupid hope.

I think human beings can only truly be happy if they lose hope completely.

too true
easier to lose hope then tango with the weirdness that is love
though there is an allure to it
not exactly sure what it is
when I was a teenager it was purely sexual

^ This

Or they realize they can only maintain hope if they make a conscious effort to constantly strive for it. I think pretty much everyone knows it's rough out there. You can either fight it, or you can fail.

The idea of pure human life stability is so ridiculous to me. The world is a f**ked up place with guiding biological principles far removed from assuring that every living being has a smooth, gratifying life. Nothing human beings could ever conceive of will change that.

These two things

Good point. Although it still doesn't answer my basic questions about your analysis. Why do most young NT adults seem perfectly capable of handling both a career and a beginning love life at the same time? And what makes you believe that Aspies might succeed in love after establishing their careers if they haven't had any relationships to learn from to begin with?



You seem to have missed my point here. I didn't say that NT women don't find successful Aspies unattractive because of their education and flourishing careers. That would indeed be utter nonsense. I said the same as you, namely that successful Aspies often are unattractive because of their lack of social skills. I am skeptical, however, as to whether these can be learned through establishing a career. I merely think that NT men have some set of social skills which we don't have that helps them both in their careers and in their love lives. If an Aspie wants a successful career, he'd better bypass the social "mindgames" entirely and achieve glory through some other means (like being really good at something). I think for example that some financially minded Aspies might be great private investors or "market makers", as it basically just involves sitting behind a computer screen all day and selling and buying securities at the right moments. There are some notoriously reclusive investors (don't know if some of them have AS though) who made big money by just playing the bond future market like kids in a candy store.



I think this has ultimately to do with giving a sense of purpose and meaning to one's life. Everyone has to deal with this differently, so you're probably right as regards your own needs. This is what I think though: if someone can really transcend himself or herself in art, science, or even bond future trading, or building towers with coffee spoons, then love may very well ultimately be revealed to be not very important. I for one would happily give up any prospects of marital bliss (which often turns out to be hell anyway!) for the possibility of becoming a great mathematician or a famous composer. I'd even settle for being a good second-rate mathematician or composer, which is more realistic given my talents. Such decisions, however, are not ours to make, probably for the best. But I still maintain that love isn't really necessary in order to achieve happiness, and even less to achieve greatness. The roll call of famous lifelong bachelors reads like a list of the architects of civilization. It's been given elsewhere on this forum, or can be found easily on the internet, so I won't repeat it here. And besides, I do not doubt that there are many lifelong bachelors who achieved something of lasting value who are not so well known.

Last edited by dddhgg on 04 Jan 2010, 9:45 am, edited 1 time in total.