Where do standards factor in?

Post Reply New Topic

I left a string of relationships a few months ago, more than GLAD to be single again. Three girls in a row, all the wrong type for me. In a relationship I like to spend time doing "friend" stuff, but I feel like as soon as they got me into a relationship, they STOPPED trying to bond and basically only ever wanted to see me in bed.

I think the reason I ended up with these girls was that I was afraid I'd never find someone who lived up to my standards. Soon as someone came along meeting even a few criteria, I tried to snatch them up and ignore every flaw. Big mistake. In weeks I realized the relationship wasn't what I hoped it'd be, and I didn't know what to do about it.

Likely I'll consider myself available again soon, but when I do I'm worried about my chances meeting the right type of girl. My mind always tells me that a relationship should just be a friendship, just with some sort of physical contact (not necessarily sex). Thing is, in my experience, I see one girl, build her up in my head as everything I could want, and jump into a relationship immediately, only to end up unsure further down the road.

Who's had this happen, and what'd you do?

In my experience, that is a phase. How long it lasts depends on the personalities involved and what they want from the relationship.



I guess my question is, did you MAKE yourself ignore the flaws, or did it come naturally? Many of us in solid, permanent relationships will say that magically some things just stopped mattering to us, because everything else felt so right. I realize that having a high desire to make it "right" even when it isn't can cause one to mimic the process, but it still is different. If you are building women up in your head early on, that is a factor more of hope than reality. I think everyone has done it at some point, but once you decide you'd be OK on your own, ie if you never met anyone, the tendency drops.

Over time, standards change. You come to realize that some standards made it onto your list because you accurately recognized your own needs in a relationship, but that others made it just because, well, you thought you needed something that it turns out you really don't. My mom once wisely said that marriage is difficult enough, so minimizing the natural differences can make it easier. The thing is, which differences can become an issue really depend on one's own unique personality and perspective. So, does it matter how much income the person earns? Depends. And, btw, that can change on the flip of a coin. Same with looks. You've got to find something physically attractive about the person, but things change over time in that department, as well, so just how much weight are you going to put on it? For me, one that never really made it onto my list was sense of humor but, I've got to say, it would now, if something ever happened to my husband: his sense of humor has gotten us all through some tough times, and it seems so essential to our life as a family that I couldn't imagine being with someone who wasn't like that. But, then again, it took him a long time to share it with me - he's shy - so maybe it's good it was never on a "list."

Well, why don't you try dating the next young lady you meet for an extended period of time without sleeping with her? Since you've identified the same turning point in all of your past relationships (when the sex starts, the bonding stops), don't get sexual so quickly. That way, you'll have time to determine if there really is a bond before you get so emotionally involved.

Well, bonding happens in bed too - literally, chemically. The two are not mutually exclusive, the "friend" stuff and the sex. I'm not sure what you mean by "friend" stuff, but hopefully a dating relationship will include fun things that both partners enjoy in and out of bed. For me, the sexual part with my aspie guy in the beginning quickly took on a relatively strong importance because I felt easily connected with him that way. He is naturally quiet, reticent, and difficult to read (especially then, for me). With sex we spoke the same language without any insufferable communication to interpret. I loved that part, and I still do - sex is like a glue in your relationship that will hold you together when everything else is difficult.

I will say, my aspie husband has told me he was in ridiculously inappropriate relationships several times when younger because he thought "I better grab this one" when a woman was interested. I mean, some of them were laughably bad for him, and so ill matched. Part of bad relationship choices is just maturing, for everyone.

For my part, I wouldn't stay with a guy who wasn't sexual with me - period. It is a very poor match for me and since sex is a critical component to an intimate relationship, a person better sort that part out also.

Hmm....I've always found that friendship is the glue that holds a relationship together, as attraction ebbs and flows. When there's no friendship (honesty, trust, mutual respect, communication, etc.), I've always found the sex to be pretty lousy. Oh well, I guess it takes all kinds.....

Well, betsy said that's what worked for her. Personally, I can't even fathom the possibility of sex with someone that I'm not deeply in love with (and it takes me months to possibly years just to become attracted)...

In other words, to each his/her own...

I'm more like this, in that I'm a very sexual person. And it provides very nice advantages in the relationship even beyond the enjoyment of the act itself. However, that said, the things I remember the most about my short but sweet relationships haven't been the sex, it's been very intimate things that weren't the sex itself. Sex is very important to a relationship for me, while I'm still so hypersexual, there is no way I could last very long in a relationship without it, but it's still not the most important thing. Intimate loving moments are probably the most important thing, if I was to put a description to it. If I wanted a friend, then I would just have one, relationships have always meant a lot more than simple friendship to me. But as long as you are matched up well with your partner, that's all that matters. I'm cheering for any relationship that can be happy and last the test of time and circumstance, whatever your method for achieving it.

First it was natural, as time went on and I stopped being so sure, I thought I'd dug myself too far in to stop.



No, really, they started being always "too tired" to watch movies or go on walks, calling me to come see them and watch them doing crap like sorting their computer's music collection, not even looking up or talking to me. It's like how my brother will invite his girlfriend over and then play solo on XBox Live. And sex just plain isn't good enough to make me do it at least once a day.



That's how I find it. When it's part of a routine, what's the point? And I'd push harder to make them wait, but at some point I think the average girl will start to assume a guy's fruity if he doesn't keep pushing for sex.

You shouldn't try to 'bond' with women; just have sex with them and move on to the next one.

Bud, I HAVE two perfectly good hands!

I think the research on this piece shows: It's not the most important thing by anyone's account in a long term relationship - - until it isn't there. Then, it's the most important thing and it's a leading cause of divorce.

Well - - like I said, the two things are not mutually exclusive (the good friendship, and the good sex). You can have both and hopefully you will. Not everyone wants sex every day - that's OK. If you find the right person who is a good match for you, the two of you will find your rhythm. On the other piece - - I guess I'd say if sex "isn't plain good enough", I'd suggest making it better. But I think you have to find someone who holds your interest for that.

I think I might be hearing something else here that I've noticed with my guy. He likes to engage in things that are purposeful (setting aside sex, which he likes to engage in). When we were dating, I found just "hanging out" to be a foreign concept to him. The hanging out needs to have some efficiency in it. Whereas I was OK to just be there, with him, he likes activities that have a purpose. So, we found a balance with walks that have a plan (to look at open houses for fun, to go somewhere to eat, etc) or sometimes we would read the paper to each other, or a favorite book or story. These things were "together time" but also purposeful to some extent. I think sometimes for typical folk, just "hanging out" seems OK. For my aspie husband, that was like soul-death or something. He still has to be purposefully engaged in something most times.

Hey OP....here's my theory: there are basically two ends of a continuum when it comes to the way people approach sex: people who view sex as an "ice breaker" in a relationship (these folks have sex pretty early in a relationship); people who view sex as a "culmination" in a relationship (these folks want to establish emotional intimacy before becoming physically intimate). Any person can find him/herself in any place on the continuum (sometimes it might even depend on the situation and the amount of alcohol consumed).

I'd offer the same advice, whether you're a "culminator" or an "ice breaker": respect and protect yourself and your partner; there's no value judgment attached to either end of the continuum - the only thing that's problematic is behaving in a way that's not true to yourself. If you're a "culminator," don't behave like an "ice breaker." If you want emotional intimacy before you have physical intimacy, behave in a way that supports that goal - you'll eventually find a girl who's also a "culminator."

You're a young man - you're just discovering these concepts, and figuring out what works best for you (that's what you're supposed to be doing at this stage in your life). When you figure out what you really want, you have to decide if having what you want is worth the effort required to get it. That's where you're at now: is waiting for a girl who shares your intimacy goals worth passing up some girls who don't?